Last night some of us cooked and fed homeless teens. We do this four or five times a year. Kellie, with great generosity, brought the most beautiful king salmon pieces I think I've ever seen. Worth so much. And she marinated and cooked it. The kids ate three or four servings. As one boy left, he said, "That's the best fish I've  ever tasted!!"

I gave deep thanks for the salmon. Good protein and fish oils for those children who went out into 20 degree weather.

We also made veggie fritatta which they loved. And  mashed potatoes with mushroom gravy.

I love this team so much. Tina and Chris come every time. Then there's the wandering band who  volunteer, changes  with the season.

Tiger Mountain today. And yes, there is a tent city at the end of this road.

Dear hearts-

The year is wrapping up with a bang. I attended another  birth last night. We're eight for eight since last Thursday. The momma last night (and this morning) has a rough time but she did it. At one point she was hollering  at the top of her lungs with each contraction. But she brought out her wee boy who had a slow start but was hale and hearty when they left the birth center.

Got home at 5AM and fell into bed with my clothes on. It's harder as a grandma to recover from all nighters. But I manage.

 

A friend recently admonished me when I said, "but anyone could have been at the birth and helped the mother" (because I want people to own their experience) that I did indeed help them. I got up in the middle of the night and went out on the highway in the dark and cold to where some woman was in labor (in travail as they used to say). I hung out with the family until the baby made her appearance and I kept them safe and took the long watch because it was my job and my calling. And the blessings from this long life of service have been countless. Countless.

The spiritual practice I study encourages us to celebrate our own goodness, to see that we can have  a positive effect on our world. However small our acts of kindness are.

As I sit here in my quiet house with tea and not quite enough sleep, I reflect on all the kindnesses that go unnoticed. In service to others, because our hearts are calling us to love who and what we love. Because there is goodness in us.

Dogs understand 200 words. Or should I say, SOME dogs understand 200 words. Felix understands but chooses to ignore me.

While I was on a Zoom call today,  Felix started barking and then the smoke detector went off. No, I didn't burn down the house. I did burn tea on the stove. Who does that?

Then there was, er, the bathroom cabinet which Daniel built. Um, it didn't quite fit so he took off the window sill and the heater cover. Still not quite. So Monday he returns to take off the baseboard and see if that will do it.

Tonight Holly and I are going to see Pilobolus:

Attended a climate justice workshop this morning where we were encouraged to grieve the loss of so many things. Mine were the polar bears...wept through the morning with a bunch of strangers. A lot of parents fearful for their children. Felt so tired now so watching these young women in Nepal was enough to bring some comfort in. We do what we can...

Truly dark by 5 PM now. 

Well, waiting for the chimney sweep. My living room still smells like smoke after my one fire in the fireplace this fall. And they give me a 'range' when the person will show up. **sigh**

Maya and I are beginning to plan for my 70th birthday. How? Did? I? Get? Here? Time passes and one day you're getting your hair cut and noticing the jowls exactly like your mother you have hanging off your face.

We are looking at the Oregon coast so most can drive here. After the (never ending) fires in California, I am wanting most guests to be able to drive. My sister lives to hell and gone on the East Coast and Katrina lives in upstate NY so there's no hope for it but they both want to come. We're looking at way big houses near/on the beach with a hot tub and a game room for the teenagers and enough beds for most everyone. All my co-dependent tendencies are coming out with worrying about who will have to stay nearby and who can bunk together and on and on. And trusting that my brother won't say anything awkward to my trans friend. And who is vegan or vegetarian or paleo or wheat/gluten/nut etc sensitive.

My sister and Katrina will fly into Seattle and we'll drive down in my very small car...I'm getting ahead of myself.

My dear daughter is SO levelheaded. And diplomatic. Where the hell does she get it? Certainly not from me. I just can't seem to handle these family sort of things. I worry about everything. But lordy, these are people who want to celebrate with me and they are all wonderful even if they don't know each other.

I am hoping we can do a 'bad poetry' night. I'll encourage everyone to bring bad poetry-either Rod McKuen or Jewel or their own high school or college attempts. Self consciousness is an important ingredient, of course. I have a few books called Bad Poetry or Very Bad Poetry and one poem is called "The Queen of Cheese". It's,  um, very special.

Ok, so now i can officially call the chimney sweep place to find out if they're even coming.

The apocalypse

Maya in San Rafael texted that they're in the dark. She's got cat carriers, water, flashlights, extra clothes, food and a  small generator in her car. School is closed. She can't go to work because the doors are opened by a combination lock. They can light their stove but all the gas pumps are dark.

Eden in LA is ok. Haven't heard from my brother.

And here in the NW it looks like this:

Got nothing to say about  current events. Oil has contributed to global warming which causes the droughts and crazy weather patterns and hence fires and destruction. 

https://www.realclearpolitics.com/video/2019/09/23/greta_thunberg_to_un_climate_summit_you_have_stolen_my_dreams_and_my_childhood_with_your_empty_words_how_dare_you.html

This child spoke truth to power.

My friend Micha figured out how much fossil fuel it took to fly her to Greece and back. She was appalled. She wants to make art that doesn't include electronics because of components made with harmful chemicals and minerals. I suggested rocks and fallen trees and leaves. Stonehenge has lasted for a while and doesn't pollute, as far as I know. 

California is burning and al Baghdadi is dead

My daughter empties her fridge

no power in San Rafael

no school tomorrow

no work because the door combination is hard wired

gas pumps are dark

she has a plan

two cat carriers

a generator

water

a flashlight

the freeway is nearby

a man I know

taught to track and kill a deer

by his uncle on the rez

took his first when he was 14

still a boy

when he got back to the house

he danced and laughed

proud of himself

his uncle slapped him

hard

never rejoice when you take a life

the deer offered herself to you

so you might have food for the winter

today while men in a room watched

hundreds of miles from the tunnel filled with

dogs and soldiers

a man took his life and the lives of three children

our president described in great detail

'crying, screaming, cowardly'

'body parts identified by DNA'

'great' 'very bad' ' hatred'

where is uncle to slap him

teach him to take life, any life

is not honorable

no matter how necessary it may seem

we are all capable of murder

in our hearts

this will not stop ill will

this will not stop the illness of greed

my daughter lights candles

in her living room

her son is a few blocks away with his girlfriend

if they need to leave

they are ready

as she texted me-

“We're here in the dark,

waiting for the apocalypse.”

Felix has been groomed within an inch of his life. He has the pouffy tail and ears of a 'real' poodle. He doesn't seem to mind however. Dogs are very unselfconscious.

I hung a very large painting I did on the wall of the living room. I sincerely hope it doesn't fall down and scare the bejeezus out of me and the animals.

It's dark and rainy and cold here. The leaves are glorious.

I wonder how much more life I have. Rep Elijah Cummings was only 68, why a young man! And such a splendid man he was. I/we will miss him so much.

I tried to eliminate some ground wasps that are swarming by my front door. I felt so guilty. But they're still there. ***sigh***.

Craig is a man in my tai chi group. His form is beautiful, as is he. I told him I admired his form (meanwhile I stumble through the moves) and now he is (I think) flirting with me. Oh dear. I haven't had to tell a man I don't roll that way for years. He made one kinda homophobic comment and I didn't correct him... Anyway, I have no skills anymore. Not for flirting or deflecting flirting. It's a nice thing about being, er, older. He IS attractive. I did say I admired his form (and his hands and long legs). Oh dear. This shall amount to nothing, children.

I find it a bit annoying when friends lament my singledom. It's really ok, honest. Sure, I talk to myself. I can be a bit dotty. But I'm fine. I consult myself when I want to do things. And usually I am quite reasonable.

I love this season of cold and dark. Always have.

May all beings be warm and safe.

Trader Joe's is fecking evil. There is chocolate and sweet stuff ALL OVER THE STORE, not in just one area. It's everywhere, lurking when you least expect it.

Ok, I have poor impulse control. And I bought some peanut butter cups. And they are delicious.

At least my women were here tonight to meditate so I gave them some. But I ate way too many. Way, Too. Many.

Felix got a bath yesterday because they groomer was sick. I trapped him in the bathroom, got a  stool to put in the shower, took the shower head off the hook and washed the sad dog. He sat in the dining room, shivering. It wasn't THAT cold.  Anyway, as soon as I said the magic word (walk/hike/outside), he leapt into the air, all troubles forgotten.

Haircut next week.

The momma I was waiting on had a c/section. Unfortunately. I go see her tomorrow. Her kiddo is lovely. Too many surgeries to have babies. Not right. But in her case, necessary.

***sigh***

Good night, darlings

PS. Renee Zellweger is pretty darn good in "Judy". Just be ready for a tragic story. 

Waiting on a momma who called with ruptured membranes this morning. Waiting for the window cleaner person to arrive. What to do with the dog? Don't have an answer for that one right now. Felix is a shaggy, dirty mess and he has a date with the groomer tomorrow. Thank the lawd.

Amy is the name of the window person. She has been here once before and I will do better this time. She ( I think she prefers the pronoun she) arrived in a house dress (is that even a thing anymore?), a scarf on her head and a deep voice. Uh, I was not skillful, called her 'sir' a few times. Nope, don't think she is a sir but maybe she/he is a cross dresser and not trans but how to ask????

My friend Micha would just encourage me to ask her. Micha is a trans woman, or as she says, 'I'm just a WOMAN.' She is now happily in a lesbian relationship with someone who matches her in wisdom, smarts and wonderfulness. Did I say she's a professor at UCSC with a double PhD in gaming, virtual reality and computer programming? And she's an artist with an international following. She's wicked smart. And I love her. She has introduced me as her mother, so there's that. I'm so proud.

In spite of the hatred we don't have to sink down.

I am enjoying the impeachment brouhaha much more than is seemly. Arrests! Nonsensical pronouncements from the VP! Giuliani! etc.

The cold has arrived. And I have solar panels which will provide free heat, yay!!! Maybe this winter I won't be huddled up in a blanket in front of the fireplace with the cat around my neck.

Happy to be going to a birth. Haven't been to a birth for many months... It's like riding a bike. You never forget how. And this momma was at her friend's birth a few years ago. I was the midwife so she remembered me  and came into care with us. May the circle be unbroken..

Hear me out. Last Sunday I attended a Christian church service. They are graciously hosting my Buddhist sit and a Buddhist recovery meeting, all without cost (or very little cost). The church is beautiful, large windows, raised beds of flowers and veggies outside, a new mom pastor who led the service with a baby on her hip.

It's a small congregation, mostly older folks, a few younger people. They are politically active and their message is love your neighbor. I went because they were cleaning up the grounds around the church and on the street, including the parking circle. All were looking rather neglected. And I wanted to help out, to give back.

So I went to the service. I had a visceral reaction sitting there among the God talk and the Bible verses and the singing. It wasn't aversion exactly. It was more like a feeling of wrongness, like I shouldn't be there as an unbeliever. I definitely didn't take communion.

What's so different about my Buddhist practice from theirs. They have formed a family of sorts as I have with my Buddhist friends. They have stories that they read which are fantastical, I know they are metaphors but some folks believe them, especially kids. And there are Buddhist stories that are just as unrealistic.

So it comes down to the idea that we're sinners and we call on something outside ourselves to be cleansed which I just can't buy. Our original self is the world, we just have forgotten that we're part of everything and everyone. And we ARE that already. We don't need an intermediary to fix us or remove our sins or whatever.

I mean. They're good Christians. They pray for one another. They try to do good works in the world. They're not filled with hate. They're accepting of difference. They're the faith of my ancestors.

Cultural appropriation? Am I guilty of this? I don't know.   

Rachel and I drove from Denver to Seattle in three days. Wyoming and Montana are gorgeous. And the speed limit is 80, people. However, at a gas station stop in Wyoming, the sign on the door read, "Welcome to Wyoming. We all carry guns here".  Gulp.

We saw buffalo, antelope and a (dead) mountain lion in the road. We stayed in Spokane on our last night and the city has built the prettiest sculpture park around the river that runs through the center of town. We read to each other, played music, ate junk food and went to bed after sitting in the hotel  hot tub. Plus, I met her mother and her brothers. Somehow, when you meet the family, it rounds  out what you know about someone. While we were driving, my brother called so I put him on speaker phone and she got to 'meet' him too.

We were driving a newish car that she has inherited from her grandma who died recently. And this grandma was a hoarder, oh dear. I even got a handmade quilt that came from a stack in the basement.

My daughter recently sent me a few quilts  I made years ago. They are not exactly tattered, just well worn. I don't think they're worth fixing. She also sent me the christening gown my mother put each of us in when we were baptized.

The lace is  handmade and soooo tiny. Nope, beyond me. 

Fall is here, the days are shorter and darker. Rain has arrived. Births and deaths, all in the great cycle of life, as Maude from Harold and Maude would say. 

Dears-I'm back. I drove straight through, a 12 hour drive. I had thought I'd stop somewhere overnight, take a SHOWER and collapse into bed but I thought about MY bed and hot tub and pushed on.

It was amazing. It was hotter than hell. It was dusty as hell, with the wind whipping the dust into white-outs. The art was spectacular. The nakedness was, well, naked. I saw more dicks than I cared to see. Well, I do like the ladies better anyway. And I saw a lot of naked ladies too. Oh and public sex, or so I'm told.

I saw steam punk, hippy, random clothing. I rode a very heavy bicycle covered with fairy lights. Traveling around at night was magical-music, art cars, neon lights on the art, fire dancers, acrobats, etc etc. Too much to explain. Really. I didn't take many pictures but here's a sample:

That last photo is made entirely of cans, lids and plastic bottles. It clanked when the wind blew. Awesome.

I left before the man burned. I was done. I was filthy and sweaty and cranky. There was an ocean of alcohol and drugs which I did not partake of. I thought about it for a hot minute bu decided to eat well and go to bed at 10. Which I did every night. I got up early, made tea and went to the dance tent and danced my ass off. I drank lots of water.

Already I'm planning for next year (why, you ask). Because I learned many things about being comfortable. My kid had a magnificent set-up, tent with 'rooms', a real bed, a wooden floor, a dresser!!, multiple baskets for stuff, a real kitchen, a chaise lounge with a big sheepskin... I could go on and on. And shade. Big shade. We hung out. We made friends with our neighbors. I gave away blackberry jam. Some folks are minimalists. But I need some comforts. Even a bucket bath would have been heaven.

And by the way. Can we talk hair? When you don't wash your hair for 5 days, it turns into a type of helmet glued together with playa dust and sweat and occasional food. I couldn't get my fingers through it. It was special. I now understand why folks get their hair braided and they just leave it.

So I'm back and missing burning man. I don't even know why. It's so extreme and weird and wonderful.

I'll post more pictures when my kid gets home and send me some.

BTW. I went to the car wash today with my filthy dust and dead bug covered car and when I drove in, the guy said, 'what the fuck!' then he said he'd get their specialist. I laughed so hard I cried.

Here's the dash. It's usually black...

Today I  leave for Burning Man. I have an alarming amount of stuff piled up in my living room and it's all supposed to fit into my wee car plus a passenger with her meager (she tells me) belongings. Plus tying the bike to the new bike rack. Plus a 13+ hour drive to the effing desert where it will be a) very hot b) dry and dusty and c) inhospitable to most all life. Plus Felix decided to get diarrhea yesterday twice, poor guy, so I made him a giant container of rice and ground chicken which he LOVES, to take to Randy's house.

My animals know when I'm going on a trip. Felix gets morose and wants to be near me. Lola disappears. They always get good care while I'm away. Otherwise I couldn't feel released.

The garden is watered. The house swept and dusted, a thankless task. My Burning Man hat is complete with twinkly lights.

Anxiety is better. I asked a friend why I've been feeling so anxious about this trip-I prevaricated about everything; the long drive, my stranger passenger, the heat, food, stuff to bring, finding my daughter among 70,000 dusty participants, getting there after dark, etc, etc. He said, "Cuz you're old."

Oh. 

He said we get more anxious as we age. Is that true? I certainly don't trust my knees like I used to. I worry about money (well, that's not new). 

I'm leaving my computer at home. My phone will probably die while I'm there because there is no way to recharge it. Besides signals are spotty on the playa. I hope to get some photos. I will be able to charge it up on the ride home. 

For now, I'm gonna meditate, have some breakfast and continue to contemplate the tight packing situation. Then off I go to Portland to pick up Lisa, my passenger, who will help with gas and driving. And we're stopping about half-way there to spend the night at the Shady Inn Motel-no not the Bates Motel!, a cheap-o place just off I-5. Then on until morning....

Burning Man, here we come.

I just sat down. I danced this morning :-), walked the dog and picked up windfall apples in the park, a bunch of them. I also picked 6 cups of blackberries.

Then-more blackberry jam, apple sauce and a blackberry apple pie.

And there are more apples in the fridge, for another day, lordy.

I intend to take a shower today as I sweated mightily at dance but why?

The kitchen counter is stacked with jars of jam and sauce. The dish washer is running.

My body is so sore, my bones are sore. I could lie down and not get up until tomorrow but there will be women here in a bit to meditate together.

I listened to a TED talk about joy and play. I dance and I just started a tai chi class (!). Three days a week, two of those days outside in the beautiful Kubota gardens

http://www.kubotagarden.org/about-us/history/

The gardener was interned during WWII but returned to the garden and continued his work.

The other students are mostly older folks. The teacher calls out the moves, " white crane spreads its wings' and 'parts the horse's manes" while I do my best to follow along. The classes are free or $2, so sweet.

Today is  Eid al-Adha and down the street from my house, the park and the streets were overflowing with Muslims, the men and women in long flowing robes, little children running around. I worried, to see them all together but there were no incidents. Thursday a young woman confronted the landlord for the building where ICE is located in Seattle.

I'm making a pie and jam. I give jam away to my neighbors. I worry about my non English speaking neighbors. Their son assures me they are safe and citizens. They are old and grandparents.

Edward Espe Brown is my new hero. And he will be here in September. You bet I'll go see him.

https://www.audiodharma.org/teacher/27/

Go ahead, give him a listen. He laughs all through his talk. That's where I want to go, laughing at myself in the most loving way.

The pie smells done. I better go check.

https://www.nytimes.com/2019/08/09/opinion/roxane-gay-toni-morrison.html?te=1&nl=in-her-words&emc=edit_gn_20190809?campaign_id=10&instance_id=11521&segment_id=16024&user_id=0bae082ea3ab776db3e2aa62524e6279&regi_id=8582783420190809

I'm going to Burning Man. Spoke to a gal in Portland who needs a ride and has a vehicle pass so I'm set. Now it's about collecting gear and wondering if I really am crazy. Supposed to be dusty, very dusty this year. Have ordered goggles and a face mask. Need a bike rack.

But really, have no sparkly clothes. I might just wind myself with fairy lights and call it good.

I just saw a post on their facebook page for smuggling in drugs. Glass butt plugs. Ah, no. Even if I were bringing drugs, which I'm definitely not, putting a glass plug in my butt sounds like a recipe for disaster.

Oh these kids today.

No drugs and no alcohol either. No way. I just hope it isn't a dust storm for 4 days...

In the meantime, I just put up 30 jars of blackberry jam. Blackberries are free everywhere in Seattle.
Free is a great thing.

I don't know why I'm going to Burning Man. It's been the most stressful experience ever. I now have a ticket but no ticket to park my car....I think I registered for the sale for parking tickets but I'm not sure and my computer is no help. Anyway, my last experience with purchasing a ticket was entirely awful after sitting there for 2 hours watching the little wheel go round and round and then the site crashed.

Sheesh. And now I've spent real money on a ticket and a bike to ride around on. I won't believe I'm actually attending until I'm actually there. And my car needs struts, whatever that is, and I should probably get them fixed before I go.

Whine, whine, whine.

However, I made granola today and I'm waiting for bread to come out of the oven. I'm having bread and fake butter for dinner. I promised Felix we would go swim/walk and it might be dark before we get there but, lordy, I need to go de-stress.

There are two rough looking guys down the street who are cleaning out a house so the owner can sell it. They are missing teeth and they have ropey arms, the kind of guys who have worked hard, been homeless a bit, spent a lot of time outside using their bodies. I've hired them to mow down the effing blackberries, nettles, horse tail, etc behind my house. It's a massive steep hill but they're willing to give it a go. They're even willing to cut down the laurel which will spring up in no time. They're very sweet. They witnessed the pit bull attack yesterday and one of them even hugged me.

I could be where they are, except for some luck.

Bless them.

Felix and I narrowly missed a pit bull attack this morning. He ran out at Felix with fierce barking and many teeth. I screamed and the neighbors came running. The guy who was the owner showed up with a big stick, yelling at the dog and got him away from Felix. Felix was completely unperturbed and uninjured. Sheesh. My heart was pounding.

Recently bought a book by Edward Espe Brown called 'Most Important Point'. He's the Tassahara Bread Book guy. I've used that book since the 70's and I still do.

Here's one of my 'babies' Hazel making her first loaf of bread. XXXX She asked if I'd show her and so I did.

Anyway, the book is beautiful and I've downloaded a few of his dharma talks. He laughs all through them because he finds himself so funny and human and humble and full of faults and mistakes. He's not the slightest bit spiritual or 'Buddhist' or anything. Even if he is a Zen priest. He's just a real person.

Well, time to sit with my friends.

Some of my favorite people about to engage in a snowball fight at Mt Lassen in California. The teenage boys did a lot of shrieking and belching. Because they are kinda gross. Ah, hormones.