Wednesday, December 23, 2015

"We are all broken by something. We have all hurt someone and have been hurt. We all share the condition of brokenness even if our brokenness is not  equivalent. I desperately wanted mercy for Jimmy Dill and would have done anything to create justice for him, but I couldn't pretend that his struggle was disconnected from my own. The ways in which I have been hurt-and have hurt others-are different from the ways Jimmy Dill suffered and caused suffering. But our shared brokenness connected us."

                                  Bryan Stevenson,  Just Mercy

If you want a thoughtful, heartbreaking and beautiful book, try this one.

In the Bay with my children and grandchild. Gratitude for sweet family and many comforts. Good food, jigsaw puzzles, blessed rain.

May justice and mercy prevail on Earth.

Friday, December 18, 2015

Waiting in the airport to go to California. Meeting Eden in San Fran where we'll pick up a car. Whenever I get together with my children, I relax. They plan, they drive, they cook. I act like a proper grandma and do whatever I want.

I've learned the trick of checking my bag at the gate. No cost and I don't have to lift the damn thing over my head into the bin.

I'm really hungry. Too bad. Airport food is, as we know, way expensive and not very good. When we landed in Lucca, Italy, the airport had an expresso bar and wee pastries. Diane declared that was the best coffee she'd ever had. Of course this was after an eleven hour flight but still. No Starbucks or Quizno anywhere.

I'd love to go back to Europe. Don't know if I'll be able to afford it again.  Eastern Europe with Eden. In the meantime, there's snow in the mountains and for Christmas, I want Houston to go skiing with me. Maybe Mt Rainier, a most exquisite place. Winter NW foxes. Shaggy peaks. Quiet.

Tuesday, December 08, 2015

The sump pump is going on and off as the rain rains on all around. Grey and cold. Still in bed at 10:30. So far I've ordered The Big Book of AA from Amazon, looked at the Social Security page to see how to apply for benefits next year (do I want to apply for benefits next year???), researched degenerative disc disease for my daughter (ug) and thought about, in a very circular way, how to finish the remodel on my damn house. It is very livable now but the basement is not rentable at all.

Retirement. Oy, when to retire? I got a call from the answering service a bit ago and someone is in early labor. Not looking forward to losing a night's sleep. Don't want to be on call anymore. As much as I love my work life, call is so...wearing. I've declared that age 70 is my limit. One of my partners is an ND and she's needing to have a clinic day to see patients which, selfishly, I'll be impacted by. I've been encouraging her to begin to see clients as a doctor and she's finally doing it. But.

The Dalai Lama is saying maybe he's the last of his line. The NYT had an interesting article about him at 80. The Chinese has effectively invaded and destroyed Tibet and scattered the Tibetans. As we all know, this leads to cultural destruction, a time honored tradition of all conquerers. We are all wanderers and immigrants, layer upon layer of civilizations in the substrata. Our layer will be full of Barbie dolls, cars and disposable diapers.

Yesterday I learned that a former client is very sick with cancer. She has a young child. My dear Jude continues to improve after treatment. She's even starting to eat again and she can walk around the block. Big improvement.

It's time to take myself to my cushion and offer it all up. Today the word is equanimity. Upekka in the Pali language. It is what it is, with wisdom and kindness.

Friday, December 04, 2015

Been a while since I've been here. Moved a lot of art from the basement to the actual house. Now putting it up here and there. How I've missed the photos and landscapes and abstracts and so on. Some of it mine, some my daughter's, some from friends. I won't have enough wall space to hang everything so I'll have to rotate.

The plumber came over today to give advice and an estimate for the basement. Ug. She said to keep the bathroom, just give it a spruce up. I think it needs dynamite but ok, I'll go with it-new drywall, new fixtures in the shower, a sliding door instead of a hinged one. Ok, that works. As for the kitchen, I'm to look for a counter top with sink already installed. We have recycled building warehouses in our town so I'll be haunting the aisles looking for something that will fit. And she said, build out the MIL kitchen first so I have a kitchen while the upstairs kitchen is being torn down and rebuilt. Good idea!

Dealing with anxiety, situational anxiety. I hate it. I want it to go away and never come back. I think there are tigers who will eat me and I will DIE. Metaphorically speaking, of course. Can't say more than that right now.

Made it through Thanksgiving. Hardly thought about Geoffrey. While sorting through basement detritus, I found a few pictures of him, and other dead folks too. At one point I made a shrine to all who have gone on but there are too many now, doesn't stop, the parade of the dead. My dear Jude is getting better but boy howdy, cancer treatment sucks.

Kindness begins with me. Right here. To myself and to all beings, I send loving kindness. So much suffering in the world. May it all be touched with kindness. May we all be free from suffering. Everywhere.