Saturday, September 03, 2011

Sometimes, the only thing for it is to go on a bike ride forever and get all sweaty and grimy with only a banana and water for sustenance. Then when you finally decide to turn around to come home, you realize the wind was at your back which is why you thought you were such a damn jock, riding so fast and so far. So you struggle home in a pathetic gear, whining and whimpering all the way because the wind is pushing you backwards. However, you can have a reward like a whole bar of chocolate.

I, uh, washed my glasses in the washing machine and they did not do well with this treatment. They are mighty scratched and one of the side pieces snapped off. So I'm getting some new spiffy ones that will make me look like Penelope Cruz. Even her bust line. Which reminds me.

I took a test online to determine my bra size. Please understand. I was a flat chested teen and a flat chested adult until, o, about 45 when menopause began to wreak havoc. And I got breasts. I wanted breasts when I was 15, not at 45 when I could give a shit. But no, breasts I got and breasts that needed support. So I tried many things: underwires (yech), sports bras (uni-breast look), and flimsy cotton-y 'bras' that couldn't hold up cotton balls, let alone my substantial girls. So I guess I'm a 36 C, good gawd. And I haven't yet found a satisfactory bra. Bras suck, actually.

On my way back from my glorious bike ride, a young man crossed against the light in front of me in my hood. His pants were completely underneath his ass (with underwear on) and his shirt was half on and half off his upper body, sorta like he leapt up because there was a fire and ran out of the house while dressing and hadn't had time to adjust his clothes. (??????) I know I'm and old square, but WTF? Anyone?


Ms. Moon said...

I do not understand the pants thing. No. I do not. I thought the whole fashion would fade quickly- I mean, it's so impractical. But no, it continues to thrive, and we see the skinny shanks of boys in undershorts as they struggle down the street, holding their pants up like southern belles used to have to hold up their skirts.
Okay. On to bras. They are evil. I hate them.
Breasts are nice. Why must we tether them so?
(Is there a parallel here? Maybe.)

Radish King said...

I agree with Mary Moon. The pants thing makes me laugh because I remember when the early feminists told us that tight skirts and eleven inch heels made us vulnerable on the streets and then I see these boys (almost always boys the men seem either to have figured it out or have grown enough to want to keep their stuff warm and protected) trying to cross Aurora using not only one hand but sometimes one hand and an entire arm to hold up there drawers so they can walk. Seriously. If they want to go shoot someone they should use both hands on the gun and if they do that their pants will surely escape their skinny asses and who looks cool shooting someone with their pants pooling around their giant balloon-like sneakers and their stuff dangling in the end.

Bras are evil. If I'm skinny I have not tits to speak of. If I'm not skinny my tits are still fairly perky. I do not know how I got lucky in this disregard. I don't wear them unless I have to and if I do they usually have a lot of lace and crap on them in case my blouse and/or dress accidentally flies open.
Rebecca Neighborhood Slut Even At 58

beth coyote said...

Pants and bras...well, maybe there is a parallel, Ms Moon. Although there is the question of choice. My breasts wobble so without some discipline (and the side-long glances of the guys, at my age, really!!) but the boys can just buy pants that fit.


And you go, RK-lace it is. I'm in the mood for new bras and I'm leaning toward lacy and black with leetle bows.

Wendy Birdseye Pavlus said...

Hey, Beth, so agree here. I would have killed(well close) at 16 for the breasts I have now! I was 5'8" and 107 lbs. at 20, with 32A's. Now? Same deal as you 36C, yuck....I remember my mom who was a tiny woman with fairly large breasts with permanent ridges in her shoulders from her bras. Not me! I still go braless whenever I can and love to wear strapless stuff (I'm just a summer kind of girl...) I did find a bra that I love when I have to wear one and I will share it with you. I pass this around to anyone I can (middle age and beyond of course, I probably would not have worn it when I was young and sexy...:)but I love it . It hold me up enough although I wouldn't run in it and no hooks to it is soooo comfortable. Take a look:

Boys with pant problems? Wow, we could all go on about that one!!

Mel said...

Holy shit. This post cracked me up.
I've been there on that bike ride, on top of the world on the way out, fearful for a coronary on the way back. I too had no boobs until menopause, and I too could give a shit. They are a pain and a bother and there is not a bra that works or fits right. And my husband is enamored with them and I'm likely to slap him on any given day if he tries to touch them.
And the pants thing? I want to slap them too. I don't need to see the underwear of a fashion impaired moron. The belt loops beneath the butt cheeks, I don't know how they stay on. I figure the point is to piss off rational older people.
Well I just found your blog from Ms. Moon's and I'll be back.
Nice to meet you.

Jaye Ramsey Sutter said...

Bras are my friends. I love them. I used to fit women into them when I worked in a department store. I enjoyed helping women get the proper bra because so many women wore the wrong one and looked bad in their clothes.

A good department store can help. They have women in the lingerie department that have literally been trained to fit women. Also there is no need to use underwires if you feel uncomfortable because there are so many good designs now that women are manufacturing and designing bras. Good luck. I certainly respect your frustration.

The boys with their silly pants? They are on their own. So silly.

beth coyote said...

Welcome Mel, please come again.

And JRS-my daughter told me this very thing. She said she was 'humbled' by the dept store bra fitter lady. Gawd-humiliation in my future-I don't wanna look at my body in the mirror tryptic thang please no.