Tuesday, June 28, 2011

It's a crappy, bad, terrible day. I have a headache and bad memories and I want to drink and smoke and lie on the ground and yell. Or cry. Or yell and cry. Sometimes it just sucks. And I can't be more specific either. I can't. I won't.

Being triggered (I think that's what they call it in therapy) is no fun. NO. FUN. Your life flows backwards to the time, the day, the bunch of days when you were scared and depressed and barely functional. Barely. And it went on for TWO YEARS. Like a sentence in hell. Never ending hell. And nothing worked to make it go away. No drugs or behaviors or other people. You're stuck with your shitty self, waking up with a pounding heart and no appetite and other lives swirling around you, oblivious to your pain. As if you're the center of the universe anyway. And you still have to go to work and take care of your kids and you pretend you're alright when other people ask. But you know you're not alright and who knows if you'll ever be alright again.

My honey is so nice to me. Even if I don't feel like I deserve it.


Ms. Moon said...

Just keep remembering- THIS will not last two years. You lived through that. You will live through this.
I am so glad your honey is nice to you. And I'm sure you deserve it.

beth coyote said...

Thank you Ms Moon for checking in on me. It's like you leave the night light on so I won't get too scared to fall asleep.

X Beth

Radish King said...

It seems to be traveling through everyone. But that photo of the baby with the umm art face just made my day.

Laura Gamache said...

Keep breathing, keep going, keep writing and I ABSOLUTELY HEAR the part about not wanting to delve. F#@($* delving etc. Also the picture is fab. xoxo

beth coyote said...

Laura darling-thanks and love to you, honey.


Jaye Ramsey Sutter said...

I am sorry to learn of this. Indeed it is going around this week. Ms. Moon is usually right.