Milo left this morning :-( and the daughters will be leaving  tomorrow :-( :-(. They did rearrange my entire living room and Milo insists that I purchase a bigger flat screen. Sheesh.  He's the loveliest 20 yo boy and so tall and sweet. 

Yesterday was so fun. It was my birthday and we/I had a house full of people, the ones I love that live here and of course the fam. We ate and talked and laughed and played charades. I think the best was a word I had -'baby shower' and my team came up with 'baby rain'  'baby snow' 'baby ice' 'baby icicle' before Traci landed on 'baby shower' Today I'm feeling the let down of a mostly empty house. Ah well, it's all impermanent.  

We've had snow and rain and more snow that looks pretty and then melts. 

I might be quitting midwifery sooner than I thought. I think I'll be ok. Maybe I'll get a part-time job. Did I ever say I have money anxiety? Like forever. I'll talk to my financial guy next week and ask for his guidance. As my income continues to do a nose dive. 

My bra is tight. In the last week I have been hanging out with foodies and we're not done eating our way through the farmer's markets and bakeries and such. Eden knows a chef here in Seattle so we have to go to his restaurant for lunch. Then I will not eat for a week, k? 

I'm ready for some sunshine and a bit of warmth. Any time would be splendid. 

Love you  all.

Welp, my coccyx is broken. No wonder it hurts. Now I have drugs so life is better. And yes, takes forever to heal. :-( 

The adventure continues. While in Holden Village where there was a mountain of snow, I fell on my tailbone while skiing THREE TIMES. Ouch. So now I'm hobbling around and whining. My chiro said I didn't break anything but I am using a CBD ointment which maybe helps. But no swimming (sob) and walking, driving, sitting up is uncomfortable as heck. 

The workshops went well, I think. They ask for evals and they will send me those pertaining to my workshops and they strongly hinted that if I wan to return, I would be welcome. 

I interviewed an elder who is my taichi teacher and this is her gorgeous dance blanket. She is Chinese and Tlingit and she has been learning Tlingit so sometimes she will conduct our class in Tlingit! Not such an easy language.

 

Diane is here and it's so wonderful to cook for her and have her bring me tea in bed. Maya has just put in an offer on a townhome in Santa Rosa. Fingers crossed. I hope it goes through. The house she has rented for the last 15 years is  going to go on the market so she needs another place to live, hopefully something she owns.

I'm gonna lie down now with a very spiritual murder mystery (not) and let my poor sacrum/coccyx heal. I will ski again, by the way. 

Love you all.

Amazing, just amazing

 

Dear friends-

In a few days I'll be teaching at a women's retreat in Holden Village where I did trail work last summer. One workshop is called 'Grief and the End of Grief". Ha! As if there is an end to grief. I have gathered notes from everywhere; poets, philosophers, Dharma teachers, elders, you name it. I think it will be ok except that I have only an hour and a half, hardly time to go deep. Maybe we'll just meditate. Then a few days later I'll be leading a 'forest bathing' walk in the snow. That should be interesting. And Diane is coming with me. I just pulled the snowshoes and skis out of the garage, poles and boots and that. I have to unearth my ski clothes and long johns. My dearest Clark is coming to housesit and hang with the Felix. 

Well, while about to offer a homeless guy a dollar from my car, I rear ended someone. Sheesh. The guy I hit has been so polite and kind and nice. WTF. He even thanked me for being gracious. I think it might be a lesson in choosing how to respond. I've gotten upset and scared when I've been hit so maybe I didn't behave so well. But this guy, Joe, has apologized to ME. Wow. 

Anyway, I have been talking to my car and saying sorry. She's ok to drive east of the mountains but she'll be in the shop for a week after I get back.  Possessions are such an irritant, aren't they?

Jason and I walked through my garden and he gave me pointers. I have to prune. It's a thing, apparently. In my small space, everything has become rather large so the little pathway is impassible. I even pruned the apple trees. 

Felix sits on my meditation cushion and barks at random things. It's his version of mindfulness. 

Tomorrow night Clark and I go see some taiko drumming. Should be loud and exciting. I do love the big city because there is dance and music and poetry and art. Before I get too decrepit, I want to take it all in. 

May we all enjoy the springtime as if it were our last. 

Much love. 

Well dears, a rat died in my vent system. I know, yuck. And the smell is very special.  Owning a house is, frankly, a pain in the ass. My tenant's BF is moving in and he has a solution to the smell, dead body, whatever. He seems like a great guy and he has PET RATS. Gawd. I'm just happy to have another person in my house. And he seems very capable and kind. 

Diane arrives on the 2nd and we go immediately to Wenatchee to catch a ferry to Holden Village where I did trail work last summer. This time I'll be teaching forest bathing/meditation/trauma relief or some such. I really need to do a bit of prep before we leave. And joy of joys, my kids and grandson are all gonna be here for my birthday at the end of the month! Eden might even be here for 10 days. And Diane will be here too. I can't wait. I love all those people so much. 

Well. Time to swim and go get my new glasses. I have a drawerful of glasses from yesteryear. 

Chaplaincy starts up again in early March. I wrote a 'spiritual formation' paper and sent it in yesterday. It was supposedly a recap of last year. Ha! I think what I wrote was almost incoherent. Really. 

 

 The sky this morning is streaked with wispy clouds. We've had rain forever but not the awful kind like California. I've been calling my friends and family there daily to be sure they are ok. As my friend Misha said, "Climate change is well and truly here". It's so disorienting to be here in my snug house on an ordinary Seattle day while other parts of the globe are getting hammered. I guess we always live in the delusion that as long as we're not actively experiencing a weather event (or a war or a pandemic) we aren't affected. But we are. We are all interconnected and we do feel the suffering. I once had a teacher who told me he read the paper every day so he knew what to pray for. We could say that prayer is ineffective. After the latest school shooting or racist attack, there is the trope of 'offering thoughts and prayers'. But if it inspires us to demonstrate kindness in our lives and compels us to act in our communities to alleviate suffering, however that shows up, thee we are leading with our hearts. For the suffering in the world is ever with us. And we are always being called to respond to it. 

This year of chaplaincy is the year we write our thesis. I've decided to study and write about elders; elder trees and elder women. I have two interviews already scheduled and I've asked that each woman find a favorite tree to stand beside so I can take a photo of them together. I'm still working on the details but I want to study the way trees communicate with one another and are 'mother trees'. How are the elder women 'mother trees' too? In a culture that wants eternal youth, I want to celebrate the old wise ones that we ignore to our peril. 

We'll see how it goes. I will be recording conversations which means that I will be transcribing those talks, not my favorite thing to do. Takes forever. 

Well, time to take the pup out. May we all find joy as we are. 

 Dear friends-

It's a new year and the sun is out after a few weeks of rain and snow and ice. Time to walk Felix for a while. I've spent a lot of time by myself these past few weeks, no longer checking anxiously my rapid covid tests. I'm symptom-free and wearing a mask whenever I'm with others in an enclosed space. On New year's eve, I hosted an intention setting meditation for my community and it went well. Folks came who I didn't know and that was fun. We shared our intentions (not resolutions!) to be kinder and more compassionate. Lovely. I asked that I be of service and at 3 AM on New Year's day, the phone rang for me to attend a birth. So there you go, being of service. Later that day a bunch of us went to a Chinese restaurant for dim sum. Boy, was it crowded. The whole parking lot was full. One couple brought their 4 yo grandson with them and I got to cuddle him. Little boys are so delicious. Reminded me of Milo at that age. 

Just watched a Netflix doc called Live to Lead with the likes of RBG and Bryan Stevenson. They are Boddhisattvas all, here to be kind and thoughtful and inspiring people. As we all are in our way. 

I host the first 'forest bathing, walking meditation' experience in Volunteer Park this Saturday. I wonder if anyone with show up...

I will go back to Kubota Garden tomorrow to garden. It seems like forever since I've been there. And Tai Chi I've been missing too. 

John goes back to S Africa and I'm so sorry to have missed meeting him. He and Eden are trying to figure out how to have a relationship when they live so far apart. I've forbade her from moving there but I wouldn't stop her, of course. It certainly would be a lot farther away from me than LA! she said selfishly. 

May this year be one of clarity, peace and love for us all.

Fish For Fallen Light

If each day falls

inside each night,

there exists a well

where clarity is imprisoned.

 

We need to sit on the rim

of the well of darkness

and fish for fallen light

with patience.

~Pablo Neruda

the covid blues

 Well, this is day 5? after my positive test. Pretty mild symptoms. Runny nose, tiny cough, night sweats like I had when I went through menopause (now that's fun!) Oh and I went to the ER with severe belly pain a few nights ago. No Dx except that it's a thing with covid, who knew. It's gone but they worked me up and gave me paxlovid. Now that med is terrible tasting stuff. But I guess I will recover quicker as an elderly person. 

My neighbors and friends are taking such good care of me, shopping for food and inquiring daily how I'm doing. I am SO GRATEFUL to them for their kindnesses. 

We are in a effed up ice storm. My poor tenant (fellow midwife) went to a birth early this morning in a crummy car and said it was the worst drive of her life. I'm sure. The roads are solid ice. Poor Felix slid/fell down the stairs when I let him out this morning. And now there's another birth happening. It's bad. Well, I'm out of commission. that's for sure. 

I took a shower today because, well, even sick, I was um, smelly. Then it's back to the couch and wondering if there is ANYTHING I haven't seen yet on Netflix. I alternate with reading my book and meditating, at least today. And eating carbs. 

There's a Pali word: Dukkha which translates as dissatisfaction. The definition of suffering. I'm actually feeling oddly ok. I could dwell on being stuck in the house, missing the fun in California and so on, but I'm at peace with it. As soon as I saw the red line on my first covid test, I felt somehow settled. So there it is. Impermanence. We don't control shit.  We really don't. In this weird way, I'm feeling surrounded by love (as we all are) even when we don't know it. Is that too hippie? 

Tonight I'll hold my usual meditation at 7 PM. We'll see if anyone shows up. I'll be there. Life just be this way sometimes. 

May you enjoy the slow returning of the light.

Beth

 Well, shit. I got covid. And I will be missing Maya's 50th birthday party. She knows I love her forever. 

We might try to play Rumicube on Zoom. 

 Dear friends-

I'm sitting in a living room in Ballard, snow is falling outside and I can hear the laboring woman downstairs. My midwifery partner is here too and we are talking about being able to care for the other two women who are in early labor as well. Whew. 

Poor Felix. He's been inside except for a few potty breaks. Can't be helped. 

I've had a bit of sleep but surely not enough. This is definitely my last year doing this crazy job. And I don't even go to that many births anymore. But damn, The people here are so sweet. I've been fed oatmeal for breakfast and homemade squash soup for lunch. There are two white cats and a black one who are very curious about the goings on. 

I leave for SF on Friday to see the fam and meet Eden's new guy from S Africa. We have plans to see the new Avatar movie together on IMAX. Should be a spectacle. Apparently Eden is engaged. All I want is for her to stay in this country, not move to SA. 

As the year ends, I wish for us all a peaceful transition from this year to the next. May we all be free from sorrow, distress and suffering. 

Much love,

Beth

 

Dear friends-

I finished my 'gloss', a document that reflects my understanding of the precepts. This is one page of the 19 page booklet. I painted a small picture for each page. 

This is my 'matriarch's lineage on mulberry paper. 

and this is the 'blood line' all the way from the Buddha to now, all hand drawn. One mistake and I started over, four times. Eventually I left the mistakes in. 

Rachel and I sent in EVERYTHING we were assigned and then we rested. I don't drink anymore but I had a glass of wine. If, after this, I suggest another rigorous higher education project, you have permission to talk me out of it. 

It might snow tomorrow and I, for one, will love it.

 Dear friends-

It is raining here after a very dry and warm November. I opened the door for the dog and he went out and came right back in. Yep, my feelings exactly. In the house, lights and heat are on. 

I'm nearing the end of my assignments for the year with chaplaincy. I have a paper to finish and the notebook on the precepts. I am illustrating them with small paintings. They told us we could be creative. I have also learned that I can't write with the TV on. Too distracting. 

Yesterday I renewed my certification for neonatal resuscitation, which I've done a thousand times. Next year is my last as a practicing midwife. Our building in being leased and the practice will have to relocate. I don't know what the owner of our practice will do. Next year is my 50th year as a midwife. I think that's enough. I really do. Today I'm on call and hoping no one goes into labor. The weather is encouraging me to stay inside where it's warm and dry. 

After my training, I visited an old friend who is being treated for non-Hodgkins lymphoma. We sat and drank tea and talked. He is tired from the chemo but seemed ok. He says he naps a lot. We talked about the inevitability of our own demise. It's the thing as we age, encountering our peers who have died or are recovered from hysterectomies or knee surgery. When I walk in the forest, the cycle is all around. Trees have fallen, or are standing snags among the ferns and the seedlings. 

Last night I celebrated someone who I am mentoring in recovery. We celebrated his two year sobriety birthday. I brought flowers and a shiny piece of obsidian he can put in his pocket for protection. I love him so much. We have entrusted each other with so many stories. I want the best, the very best for him. 

Diane arrives on the first of December. She's here and there, visiting friends. We're going to the coast for a few days with the dog. We'll dress for the weather because it'll be rainy an cold, just the way I like it. There are these little cabins, built in the 40's with tiny kitchens and fireplaces. And a short walk to the beach. And a pool and hot tub. Perfect. 

Another year is coming to a close. Still leaves on the trees and the rain has returned. As my old teacher Thundercloud called it, this is the season of falling off and dying. And under the ground, a new season awaits us. As my second year of chaplaincy starts, the question will be, what is my purpose, how can I be of service with the days left to me?

Be well and safe. Be surrounded by compassion and love. 

Antidote for anxiety

 

Lost

Stand still. The trees ahead and bushes beside you

Are not lost. Wherever you are is called Here,
And you must treat it as a powerful stranger,
Must ask permission to know it and be known.
The forest breathes. Listen. It answers,
I have made this place around you.
If you leave it, you may come back again, saying Here.
No two trees are the same to Raven.
No two branches are the same to Wren.
If what a tree or a bush does is lost on you,
You are surely lost. Stand still. The forest knows
Where you are. You must let it find you.

David Waggoner

Dear friends-

This is gonna be hard. 

Long ago I was involved in a Christian community that I now realize was a cult.  I wholeheartedly joined because I would learn to meditate and I was looking for a spiritual community in my small town. Morning services, the company of other young people that I became friends with, a series of 'initiations' I was eager to achieve. There were men and women priests (how modern!) and that attracted me too. I was married with young children. One male priest in particular took an active interest in me...some visiting with him in his apartment, hugging (where I could feel his erection through his robes) and eventually what I would now call a sexual assault. At the time I was infatuated with him. He was funny, kind and deeply spiritual, or so I thought. After all this time and a strong nudge from my chaplaincy training, I see that what I experienced was abuse by a spiritual leader who took my trust and my aspiration and thwarted it. I have held a very deep sense of guilt and shame from this story. I was noticing my flinching whenever the training I am in now would take a turn into christianity. But bigger than that are the life choices I have made; avoiding male teachers, male bosses, choosing to work with empowering women in their labors and births. I could go on. One friend, when I told her this, asked if that was why I chose to be with women intimately. NO. These things are separate. My gender identity and my preference are inherent, not a result of trauma. Please!

Anyway. Sitting here typing this, I am shaking. I have never felt such anxiety before. Losing my little cat was so painful and that is fading. This place where I am right now feels so deep in my bones, my heart. The experience is visceral, in the body. Tomorrow I speak with my spiritual advisor. On Tuesday my old therapist. I'm thinking some anti-anxiety meds might help. That poor young woman I was, trying to make sense of what happened, in silence and confusion. Telling no one. It's the secrecy and the shame. And the legions of people, mostly women, who have gone through this too. 

Today I hold in my very wounded heart all that have had their lives, their sense of self-worth, their faith stolen from them. I know how it feels. 

For me, telling the story over and over, owning that it wasn't my fault and excavating the shame and guilt so embedded in my heart, mind and body, is the work before me. As they say in chaplaincy, it's a Dharma gate. One to walk through like a hero, a warrior. Like me. 

 When I lived in San Francisco in the Castro district with my girls, we had mice. They were in the cupboards and closets. I used a glue trap once and was horrified. I would trap them under a cup and take them into the bathroom where I would put them in the tub and scoop them into a jar and walk them some distance away from the house and let them go.

I was on the phone one day and a mouse came out from under the sink and was ambling across the floor. Without thinking, I stood up and walked over to the mouse and stepped on it. So shocked by what I had done, I hung up and knelt down to the floor. The mouse was still alive and I don't remember how I dispatched it. Me, a person who nursed baby birds and worms and beetles and crickets, had callously killed a small creature who was just minding their own business. 

This past Thursday, a vet came to the house and euthanized Lola, the black kitty I've had since the early 2000's. I was working for Fred Hutch at the time, conducting interviews in women's homes. This house was near mine and as I walked up to the front door, a small black face appeared from under the steps. A child answered the door and explained that they had an indoor cat and an outdoor cat. I asked the mother if she had plans to adopt the cat out and she said she would be happy to stop stop caring for the porch kitty. I went home and came back later and brought Lola home. I had two other cats and there were dust-ups and scraps but eventually peace was restored. Those other cats disappeared, as cats will when they live outside. Lola remained and I decided after too many bird murders, to keep her inside. She has been my companion for so many years. Especially after the pandemic locked us all inside, she was on my lap, by my shoulder, sleeping on my hip when I was in bed. I have swept up mountains of her long black fur. A talker, she meowed a lot, and I mean a lot. As she aged, she threw up more, I cleaned her litter more often, symptoms that she was getting sick. On Monday the vet told me she had a tumor the size of a fist and she probably didn't have a lot more time. 

I've been crying all week, huge, shaking crying. Clark came over yesterday and helped me bury her in the garden. Felix keeps wanting to go outside. I think he is looking for her while I wander around the house, not eating or sleeping, blowing my nose and weeping. 

The air is so smoky today, not possible to go for a walk. Otherwise I'd go to Cougar Mountain and hike with the boy. Maybe a swim in the pool and a quick run for Felix. 

This is a bit long winded, I know. But grief is such a powerful force. I feel literally bent over with the pain. A friend just texted that her beloved husband has had a stroke. Jeezus. 

For chaplaincy, I am to make a personal ancestor panel:

I've written many names of all who have influenced and guided my life: my father, Quan Yin and Ram Dass,  Lola and Yogi, so many more. 

On this day:

Woods

              Louise Bozan

I part the out thrusting branches

and come in beneath

the blessed and blessing trees

though I am silent

there is singing around me

though I am dark

there is vision around me

though I am heavy

there is flight around me

Poetry saves lives. 

Been back a while. Boy o boy, kicked my ass. The mountains were beautiful. Lake Chelan is the deepest lake in the country and about 60 miles long, glacier carved and fed so it was cold. Yes, I went swimming. Once. VERY COLD but so clear, could see the bottom. We did trail work everyday, hiking in 3 1/2 miles to the site and 3 1/2 miles out. My feet hurt, My legs hurt, my back and arms, well you get the picture. We ate massive amounts of carbs. 

Anxiety is my new friend. Well, she's actually been there forever but newly expressed. Not fun. Waves of anxiety from outta nowhere then...nothing. It's annoying, to say the least. 

All my clothes feel tight. I lost 10 pounds over the last few years but I think it's all back. Who cares? I do. I hate wearing clothes at all and when they feel tight, I get grumpy.  Again I say, who cares?

Fired off another paper to chaplaincy today. This one about the precepts. The book, Being Upright by Reb Anderson was excellent. I massively underlined and highlighted. May have to read it again.  What are the precepts you may ask. They are a guide for living with heart and skillfulness, y'know do no harm-which is impossible BTW.

Last night I had dinner with one of my dear gay boyfriends. We were talking about series we love and we drifted into talking about The L Word, a silly Hollywood style lesbian soapy series. I disparaged the series because it was SO unrealistic. Fancy beautiful model type women with their dramas and the like. Yuck, hardly real. But I loved Queer as Folk, gay men all the time (in Pittsburg, surely NOT a gay mecca) who were being, ahem, very sexually active a lot. A lot. Anyway.  

And I learned this: he LOVED The L Word and hated Queer as Folk because of the representation of gay men being indiscriminately sexual with whomever. All the time. Ok, fair enough. On the other hand, the women talked to each other and cared about their relationships. 

So. this morning on my swim with Clark, my main gay boyfriend, I inquired about the two series (as a scientific experiment) and he SAID THE SAME THING. 

Then I asked Kenny, my gay boyfriend neighbor, and he LIKED Queer as Folk and never heard of The L Word and wouldn't watch it when I told him what is was about. 

So there you have it -2:1. I have my new friend JR, the millennial in the sample size to ask. He's probably never heard of either series. I will get back to you about this. 

I mean what does it all signify? Absolutely nothing, I'm sure. Except that life is a great mystery.

"To live in this world you must be able to do three things,

Love what is mortal, hold it against your bones as if your life depended on it

and when the time comes to let it go, let it go."

                                                                             -Mary Oliver

A grasshopper walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!"

The grasshopper relied, "You have a drink named Steve?"

Here is an example of a rakusu, a Zen bib that we hand sew. Hope that helps. 

https://tricycle.org/magazine/buddhas-robe/ 

When I get back from the mountains, I will tell you all about it.

This morning I got up at 5:40 AM and went to the lake for a swim with Allison. In the water, we watched a gorgeous sunrise. I came home, picked all the grapes and prepped them for jelly. Then I made a blueberry pie. 

I offer each of you a big slice. 

 Dear friends-

I am frankly stalling. I leave for my mountain trail building week on Friday. The grapes are all ripe at once, of course and I have to pick and prepare them for ?? jelly?? when I get back from the mountains. I've been harvesting thyme, drying it and grinding it up for use. And I promised a blueberry pie to friends before Thursday. My rakusa is coming along (all hand sewing, mind you) and I have to write a paper or two before I leave. Ghaaa. 

Anxiety rising in this moment. After writing to throw myself into my darling lake. Fixes everything. 

Wedding plans coming along. Diane is the queen of organizing, unlike me. Well, I managed to get in an application for a spot on the lake, a bath house with a nice little beach. 

Eden will do food, no music except for Clark singing. Very simple please. Our rings came and they're very pretty. 

After we say 'I do', everyone can go for a swim. I know I will. 

I can feel the plant world withdrawing into themselves as fall approaches. Can't you? 

                  

                        Woods                  by Louise Bozan

I part the out thrusting branches and come in beneath

the blessed and blessing trees

Though I am silent

there is singing around me

Though I am dark

there is vision around me

Though I am heavy

there is flight around me

Dean Young has died-RIP dear poet

 

“Delphiniums in a Window Box”
by Dean Young

Every sunrise, sometimes strangers’ eyes.
Not necessarily swans, even crows,
even the evening fusillade of bats.
That place where the creek goes underground,
how many weeks before I see you again?
Stacks of books, every page, character’s
rage and poet’s strange contraption
of syntax and song, every song
even when there isn’t one.
Every thistle, splinter, butterfly
over the drainage ditches. Every stray.
Did you see the meteor shower?
Every question, conversation
even with almost nothing, cricket, cloud,
because of you I’m talking to crickets, clouds,
confiding in a cat. Everyone says
Come to your senses, and I do, of you.
Every touch electric, every taste you,
every smell, even burning sugar, every
cry and laugh. Toothpicked samples
at the farmer’s market, every melon,
plum, I come undone, undone.