On Eden's last day, we hiked the Mt Washington trail. It SAID it was 8 miles round trip and a hella lot of elevation gain. We groaned and complained on the way up. When we hit snow and ice, we decided to turn around. Without reaching the summit, we still did 9+ miles. Ha! A wee bit sore the next day.
Then Eden somehow packed everything into her car and left for LA. She's with her sister now in the Bay area. The first morning as I lay in bed I thought I should get up and make her some coffee...but she wasn't here.
How can we explain the love we feel for our children? There are the usual tropes. We've all heard them and they are true. There is no other relationship like it. A child, born from our bodies, grows up and becomes who they are, distinct from us and yet, we see glimpses of ourselves repeated. I can't decide if it's a peculiar kind of narcissism or concentric circles of our interconnection. Eden and I share a warped sense of humor, the kind where we 'get' each other. What joy that is. A side eye from her conveys a volume of meaning. And yet. And yet she inspires me. Music she has introduced me to. Her activist anti-racism. Her sparkling intelligence. Her love of adventure. Her conversations with my dog. Her sublime silliness. Her last command to me "Momma, don't die before I see you again!"
Dear girl, I'll do my best.
Three days ago, I got the first Moderna vaccine. I go back for the second in a month. I was instructed to sit in my car afterwards for 15 minutes before I left to see if I would have a reaction. So I sat in my car, sobbing. It was relief and anguish. Relief that maybe I could see clients in person again eventually. Anguish that so many folks will be waiting months to be vaccinated. That a combination of my 'status' as a health care person and the fierceness of my boss and serendipity led me to a pediatric clinic where there was a line of folks waiting to be vaccinated on a pair of folding chairs out in the rain. The 'rollout' is a hot mess. Another legacy of the outgoing chaos.
But.
Happy New Year to all. 2020 was surely a terrible, bad, not very good year. It will take a long time for us to recalibrate to-we don't know what is ahead.
In the meantime, I'm gonna suit up and go swimming in Puget Sound tomorrow with the other cold water lunatics.
Love and kindness all around.
4 comments:
Thank you so much for the beautiful radiant photo of you and Eden and for your other post with Naomi Shihab Nye reading "Kindness."
What an incredible gift to be able to spend that month with Eden. For both of you.
I love that photo of the two of you. I'm glad you got the vaccine. Canada too is a hot mess. I'm a nurse and have no idea when I'll get the vaccine.
Our children are people. That was the hardest thing for me to learn, they are my babies but first and foremost, they are their own people.
Brave women you are!
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