I'll say it here:
If Kyle Rittenhouse were Black, he'd be doing time.
And he's still a child and he took two lives and he has to live with that. And somehow it was ok that he was carrying an AK 47 or some horrible war weapon.
Sweet baby Jeezus.
Milo turned 19 today. He has no notions of carrying or learning to use a gun. We, his family, would NEVER allow it. Never.
Round 3 of my "silent" retreat. It started last weekend while my daughter and grandson were here. Then the clinic needed me to do visits, then there was a birth, today there may be another birth AND there is a concrete cutter in my basement with a giant saw cutting a huge hole in the foundation in preparation for the new window. Directly under my little sitting bench. It's very loud, of course it is.
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha etc.
That's it. I'm going swimming in the pool (85 degrees), taking the dog for his walk and coming back to meditate in the midst of all of it.
It's all perfect. It's all a mess.
As Maude would say (in Harold and Maude) "Ah, life."
Don't forget to eat your vegetables.
Love you..
Me and baby Maya on 48th and 10th in Hell's Kitchen, NYC, 1973. I was 23 and Maya was a few months old. I love that girl so much all over again.
I am going to apply for a Buddhist chaplaincy program and I hope I get in. I haven't been this excited in a long while. I have had an ongoing interest in secondary trauma with the childbearing year and this will give me the opportunity to write/finish my book/thesis/whatever this is with the help and support of a program that advocates for social justice in many areas-environmental, social, racial, women's issues etc. Chaplains go into prisons and jails, work with the homeless, all the disenfranchised and wounded in our world. This particular program serves in many underserved areas as volunteers.
No proselytizing btw. Anyway, not a thing Buddhists do. We don't go door to door. We don't picket in front of abortion clinics. We're hopefully not obnoxious. I loved school and I want to be in school again. Yes!!
Anyway, I'll let you know if I get in. It's 2 years and a whole lotta work. Oh, and money. Not too much but hey it will be there if it's the right thing to do. I know of the director. She's rad.
I love you all.
Went to a birth a few nights ago. Saw them today for a check up. This momma had a c/section the first time around and a vaginal birth two mornings ago. She is so happy, so content. I swear, helping a woman heal from a surgery she didn't want is so powerful for her. C/sections are important and useful and when properly utilized, lifesaving. However, there are way too many in our modern world and women often feel ripped off and traumatized. Until the day I die (and maybe beyond!), this midwifery work has been about honoring and respecting women and their bodies and their knowing. A woman who feels ok about her birth, however it went, is a woman who hopefully felt listened to by all who went on the journey of birth with her. And that means medical folks, family members, her partner and the family dog. When women are discounted and disrespected when laboring and birthing, the hurt and pain go deep.
This mother felt triumphant. She got to feel everything. She got to push her baby out. And for her, that was important. Her first baby was breech so she never even had contractions. Boy howdy, she felt contractions this time. The walls of her room were covered with affirmations of love and support.
This baby was a whopper, by the way. Almost 2 pounds bigger than her first child.
In other news, Clark and I went swimming this morning and we froze our tootsies off. Rain, wind and water 54 degrees. We stayed near the shore and called it pretty soon after we got in. Took me more time to get my booties, gloves, cap and wetsuit off that I spent in the water. I'm still shivering. Then the sun comes out, then it starts pouring again.
I guess I should turn on the heat, huh.
Made a yogurt, egg, almond flour cake that was so boring, I almost threw it away. It sounded good but yuck. It needs more sweetener and lemon juice and zest. I'll try again.
I have to make granola for my beloved Milo who will be here next Thursday. And homemade bread. What do teenage boys like to eat besides junk? I think they eat about everything. I started a quilt for Eden and I will be working on it right in front of her. She won't know it's for her. There is a knitting project I started last winter that so intimidated me I put it on the shelf. Might be time to get it out and cry a little.
Ok, I'm getting into the hot tub. It's not raining at the moment. In the winter working on quilts is a wise move cuz you're sitting under them. Pretty cozy.
Got my booster yesterday. Yuck. I feel terrible (and lucky, of course). Tired, headache, sore arm, all signs my immune system is firing up.
Should I tell the story of a new chiropractor I went to (twice)? I'm sure he's a Trump guy. He went on and on about his knowledge of pregnancy and his wife and their births and no, none of their kids are vaccinated for anything. He did wear a mask for my visit. The second time I saw him a few days later, he mentioned the 'mess' Biden is leaving the country in. I responded 'mmm' but mostly kept quiet. Oh, and he played barbershop quartet music including a rendition of our national anthem.
And his treatment was really good. He took a thorough history, his adjustments were spot on and so, well, shit. Oh yeah, he takes medicare. I made my way through a long list of providers on the official Kaiser page and all of them, except him, refused me. I mean, Medicare is a government program, right? Cognitive dissonance is a thing, isn't it?
Anyway, I have to find someone else.
Sheesh.
The hole in the yard I mentioned earlier. We ran into a large concrete pipe. Of course we did. Now I'm entertaining plumbers who will route it further from the foundation for $$ or $$$ or $$$$. I'm waiting for another company to show up right now. I also got a bid for replacing the crummy shower in the MIL-the most basic, lowest price and that came in a $6000.
Whaaaaaaa.
I could forget the whole thing...but I can't. Not ethical. I need to make the unit safer and more functional.
It's only money. As an old girlfriend used to say, 'it's only numbers.'
Friday is Teen Feed-this month weird menu; mac and cheese, corn muffins, hot dogs with all the stuff, tacos and James cookies. Milk. Apples. Raw carrots. Baked potatoes. Whatever we can do.
Dear friends-
Milo and his auntie Eden are coming here to look at schools from the 11th to the 15th. To say I am excited would be an understatement.
Fully dark here. Wild and stormy.
Thinking about the last few years of my mother's life. She was 'no trouble', according to the nursing home staff. She smiled a lot. She said 'thank you' a lot. She was undemanding. Dignified, as she had hoped. Tonight, my thoughts of her are soft. And that is an improvement.
There is a large hole in my front yard. There were hordes of ants under the hot cover. My beloved grandson is coming here, all tall and skinny of him. And Eden!! How did I get to be so lucky.
My sister married her 75 year old Steve yesterday. We were all virtual and I missed the whole thing. Funky wifi, couldn't access my password, you know, the usual. So this morning I called her and we told stories and laughed and laughed. Stories about getting lost, making mistakes, going in the wrong direction. Her wedding story, so beautiful and too much food and sweet wedding bands and her 6'4" husband who has to lean way over to kiss her. She comes up to his chest.
I cried too. For all that we have lost, collectively. All the weddings and funerals and birthdays and graduations and new babies. All the events that make a life. When we are together again a common refrain. I've never even met Steve although he has made my troublesome wonderful sister so happy. So happy.
Right now, the dog and cat are just not enough. Annie has a video on her FB feed of a woman in France in a town square standing with a blindfold and arms outstretched to give hugs to random strangers who pass by. So many people approach and they hug. Left me a puddle.
It is Indigenous People's Day or whatever. One day, huh? Wow.
If the pool is open, I'll swim there. If not, will I go to the lake? It's mighty cold and I don't like to swim alone.
My tenant is gone and Jim just dropped off a new window for the basement apartment. Yes, friends, a wee remodel. You know I love those. But the basement with have light! and a window the tenant can crawl out of if the unimaginable happens. It will be splendid. In the meantime, dig a giant hole! Obliterate the interior wall! Don't run into the gas main! Cut a square in the foundation with a concrete cutter! Mess! Dust! Noise! Yeah!
Can't wait.
Now to roll down the hill to see if the pool is actually open.
May you all be well and safe and hugging the ones you love. Be kind, always be kind.
It is beautiful today, clear, crisp, red and yellow leaves. Clark and I swam this morning toward a rippling shining path made by the sun on the water. I have acclimated to the cold with my wetsuit. I wonder how much longer I will swim this year. Clark told me he swam until 12/21 last year. Brrrrrrrr!
I have also figured out how to don my wetsuit without help. It is a sight, I'm sure. It would help if I were double-jointed.
Dear people. I danced in a room with others for the first time in forever last Wednesday. It was heavenly and boyoboy was I creaky and sore. I hadn't realized how much stretching is, um, vital to the body. Our teacher gave each of us a bag of epsom salts at the end of class. Most appropriate.
My tenant is indeed moving out. I want to enlarge a window down in the apartment and my contractor/friend Jim says that windows are back ordered 3-4 months, like everything. And apparently the price of wood is astronomical. Well, we've burned up millions of trees. Nervous about no rent money for several months. And $$ for the window install, including concrete cutting. That aughta be fun, not to mention the mess.
We're hit the grim milestone of 700,000 dead of covid in the US. Amazing for a virus that was "just gonna disappear, like magic."
In other news, please watch "High on the Hog" on Netflix. It's wonderful.
I've taken to carrying my laptop around with me, like a baby. As choices have gotten skimpier and skimpier, I still need to have voices. I mean, really. How many times can I watch Outlander?
I've started a quilt for Eden. She does not want a 'traditional' quilt. Sheesh. I gave her a Jacob's Ladder when she left home. Blue and White. So this time I'm making something up. At the moment I don't like it at all. We'll see how it goes. Quilting is very much like painting, many colors and shapes and fretting and walking around etc. And they take a while. I have no use for machine quilting. I'm down with doing it the old fashioned way. Besides, sitting under a quilt all winter sewing little stitches is one way to stay warm.
Today there's a rally for reproductive rights downtown. I have a new baby to visit, ironically. Feels like all the progress we've made is being undone.
Time for me to get into horrid traffic to see the new family. In the midst of all the troubles, new babies are so delicious.
It's a fall kind of day. I got my teeth cleaned. My dental office is a lovely place. I listened to folks laughing behind me as I sat in my chair. Both dentists are so nice and their staff seem happy to be at work. Not a usual dental atmosphere.
My friend Frog was here for a few days. Came up from Eugene on his motorcycle. Big ole bearded guy who looks 70 now because he is.
My tenant is indeed moving out. Time to go into further debt to get mold abatement services in there and hire Jim (!), my former contractor to build out a new window or enlarge an existing one. Involves concrete cutting, among other things. Fun!!! Beth, my gardener/painter friend will help restore order and repaint. I have the several many cans of leftover paint in garage and cellar and maybe some of it will be of use.
Fall is well and truly here. The leaves are turning and we actually got rain with more on the way. We've been so dry, so dry. The grass is as brown as California, kinda scary. The fires have started to die down too, at least up north here.
I've already swum (swam? swimmed?) in the pool today but meeting friends for a lake plunge at 4 because I AM CRAZY.
I have figured out that swimming is the antidote to anxiety/fear/despair. At least in the lake I am concentrated on ***damn it's cold***and if it's very choppy and rough***damn, don't drown***
I'm not planning to drown, I promise.
My blood sugar is not budging. Try as I might. I may have to go on meds (shit). I just might be that person. Too many years getting up at odd hours, stress of my baby-catching job, and disrupted sleep. Messed up my cortisol levels.
Ah well, Reading Ted Koozer the poet who has a recurrence of cancer (age 82) on Rattle, a platform that sends me a poem a day. Bless him.
At the Cancer Clinic
She is being helped toward the open door
that leads to the examining rooms
by two young women I take to be her sisters.
Each bends to the weight of an arm
and steps with the straight, tough bearing
of courage. At what must seem to be
a great distance, a nurse holds the door,
smiling and calling encouragement.
How patient she is in the crisp white sails
of her clothes. The sick woman
peers from under her funny knit cap
to watch each foot swing scuffing forward
and take its turn under her weight.
There is no restlessness or impatience
or anger anywhere in sight. Grace
fills the clean mold of this moment
and all the shuffling magazines grow still.
Hello dear friends-
My tenant has informed me she thinks her physical issues are due to mold in the basement. After a bit of reading, I'm not sure that mold is much of an issue as mold is everywhere but what do I know. I have never seen mold in the basement either before or after the remodel. There are services that diagnose and treat mold so stay tuned.
Anyhoo. If she moves out, I will be 1.) alarmed as I depend on her rent. 2.) relieved, as I can install a larger egress window and bring in more light, which will cost $$ but will give me peace of mind and 3.) I can find another tenant who is less noise sensitive. Housing in Seattle is very difficult, esp with animals and I"m fine with tenants having pets...so, there you have it.
Ah, the joys of home ownership.
In other news, there is no other news really.
Clark and I have a standing date to swim in the morning. He couldn't make it the other day so I went alone. I wore my wetsuit for the first time this season and it was weird. Wetsuits make you very floaty and it's hard to kick. I'll have to remind myself how to swim when I'm more buoyant.
The garden is winding down. Leaves are turning colors. Both my kids are in Croatia. Haven't heard from either of them. I hope they are having fun and are staying safe in this here old suffering world.
Waiting on my health care office to answer the phone. Booster shot? Flu shot? I'm here in the neighborhood so would be convenient to go now. I could grow a long white beard like Rip Van Winkle waiting for them to answer.
This post might be very boring. Casey has moved from a houseboat to a step van to -poof-. She's waiting to emigrate to Portugal. I just bought her paddle board and I'm not sure I'll ever use it. I'd rather get rid of stuff than acquire but I'm helping her get outa Dodge. She' taking off for Colorado to see friends, no real responsibilities or belongings.
Hope you are all well and vaccinated and enjoying another season is it comes to a close.
Welp. I'm going to a cabin in the woods on Camano Island tomorrow with the dog and some books and food and a sleeping bag. We'll spend time on the beach and on the trails and sitting on the deck listening to the silence.
I found this place last minute on Hipcamp, which if you don't know, is a site for camping, glamping, etc on land owned by ordinary folks who have some acres and maybe a view of the water. There are cabins, tree houses, river banks, woods and open fields. It's a way for rural folks to make a bit of clink and a way for us city folk to share in their lives.
My cabin owners have chickens (Mary!), goats and a horse. Felix is welcome to accompany me. Camano Island is about 1 1/2 hours from here, pretty, sweet and away from the noise and energy of Seattle. Plus Rebecca lives there somewhere.
I'm ready to leave today. I loaded up with books (natch), notebooks, pens, a bit of music until my phone dies (no electricity in the cabin), some food, boots and random clothes.
I already feel relaxed. I'm NOT driving to Oregon to sit in a bone dry forest with fires lurking all around.
In other news, I'm reading about pruning things. The garden is out of control. The daphne and salvia and lavender and what's this called? are all monstrously monstrous giant round bushes. I must harden my heart and whack away. to give the smaller, more polite plants a chance.
I can get a booster shot on September 20th. Or so I'm told.
Well dears. No trip to the Boundary Waters of Minnesota. The park rescinded all permits and closed all the entrances because of fire and smoke. Judith went anyway to see her family. At first the plan was for the locals to look for a campground. When that failed, they went for an Airbnb. So I said nah. Not flying half way across the country to stay in an airbnb with Judith's family who are, I'm sure, lovely people. I was looking for an outdoor adventure. Maybe next year...
Maya is going back to Cave Junction in Oregon at the end of the week and I think I might go there. I do remember the terror of last year, driving home through two horrendous fires on I-5. Right now it looks ok. I'll decide last minute and either stay or go. Our new normal. Fires? Air quality? Covid rampaging?
Jeezus.
Meanwhile I'm watching an old Eddie Izzard comedy special. He's totally in drag and making fun of Americans for not knowing any history. We do deserve it. Comedy helps with everything. That and swimming at 8 in the morning with my beloved Clark. I'm starting to think about my wetsuit again as the water gets colder and colder. But what freedom being way out in the water, rocking in the waves.
Tomorrow Holly and I hike to Annette Lake. Beautiful.
By Roger Reeves
It turns out however that I was deeply
Mistaken about the end of the world
The body in flames will not be the body
In flames but just a house fire ignored
The black sails of that solitary burning
Boat rubbing along the legs of lovers
Flung into a Roman sky by a carousel
The lovers too sick in their love
To notice a man drenched in fire on a porch
Or a child aflame mistaken for a dog
Mistaken for a child running to tell of a bomb
That did not knock before it entered
In Gaza with its glad tidings of abundant joy
In Kazimierz a god is weeping
In a window one golden hand raised
Above his head as if he’s slipped
On the slick rag of the future our human
Kindnesses unremarkable as the flies
Rubbing their legs together while standing
On a slice of cantaloupe Children
You were never meant to be human
You must be the grass
You must grow wildly over the graves
