Tomorrow Sara and I close the deal. OMG. Today is the last day for me to hold the financial reins, so to speak. OMG.
I hired a financial planner/investment advisor dude. OMG. (To manage my millions, har har)
I have stacks of dharma books on my desk, awaiting my perusal. I am a student, as you know. Again, I am a student.
Yesterday I raced back to the birth center to just barely catch a nice baby boy. What does my future look like...I don't know.
Except.
The sun is shining, I'm going for a swim, I AM going on retreat at the beginning of October with my beloved teacher Adrianne for 5 whole days and I'm still in my bathrobe at 12:30. And I'm doing a dharma talk on forgiveness this Sunday. "Forgiveness happens only when we completely given up on changing the past." -Nancy Anderson.
"I see my light come shining, from the west down to the east. Any day now, any day now, I shall be released." -The Band.
I haven't looked at the news once today. I'm observing a moratorium, for 24 hours I won't get sucked into the national embarrassment/fuckery/nonsense/fear-based awfulness. I can do it! I'm strong! I have will power!!!
May all beings have peace, tenderness and safety today.
Wednesday, September 27, 2017
Wednesday, September 20, 2017
This morning we had a baby boy after an exciting ambulance ride. O the firefighters and medics were so nice and gentlemanly in their black shoes and uniforms. And that momma was the hero of the story, pushing out a baby who was FACING US and his head wasn't tucked down but straight up-if you must know, she had to push extra hard to get him out and she did. She just did. The ordinary extraordinary women I am privileged to hang out with, it's astounding what we can do because we have to.
Then tonight I answered a call from a woman who is miscarrying the only baby she has ever conceived. She was crying and I was listening and comforting. Nothing to do except to grieve.
The great wheel of life. At the end of it all, I hope I can look back and see I did a good job, not a perfect job but a good job. A good enough job.
Then tonight I answered a call from a woman who is miscarrying the only baby she has ever conceived. She was crying and I was listening and comforting. Nothing to do except to grieve.
The great wheel of life. At the end of it all, I hope I can look back and see I did a good job, not a perfect job but a good job. A good enough job.
Monday, September 18, 2017
Watching Ken Burns first installment of 'Vietnam' on PBS. Please tune in. I had no idea how long that country was under siege, how many presidents had their eye on the 'situation' and sent $$ and troops covertly. What is it about us humans that we must take other countries, people hostage? Why do we do that? Endless misery.
End of this month, my clinic will once again feed homeless kids in a church basement. I think we're going on 4 years we've been doing this. I have my regulars, folks we've delivered who show up to make a mess o' food in a truly decrepit kitchen. I mean. The burners on the stove are iffy, there aren't any decent knives and the lino is, well the floors need replacing. We make it work, time after time. I do a Costco run, we always have food left over and we feed hungry children.
Going on two retreats in October. I'm beyond weary. We lost a baby and I'm holding so much grief. I want the silence of the forest, simple meals made by someone else and a little bed I can sleep in. No cell phone, no internet, just the quiet dharma hall and my beloved Canadian teacher leading us in chants in her wobbly voice. Refuge, I'm seeking refuge. Someone asked me tonight if I was doing a 'spiritual bypass'. Quite the opposite. I'm not looking to transcend the pain, rather to go deeply into the pain, to hold it with tenderness and love. The loss of a child is a profound loss. All over the world are parents who have lost children and there is a web that connects them all. Grief levels us, makes us more compassionate.
As our very planet suffers, we who are made of earth and sky, we open to the pain of it all. Precious, our lives. How we spend our time. How we treat each other. How we treat ourselves. It's all we have, in the end. Staying open, letting the pain open us in ways we hadn't expected. Softening to love and wisdom and grace.
End of this month, my clinic will once again feed homeless kids in a church basement. I think we're going on 4 years we've been doing this. I have my regulars, folks we've delivered who show up to make a mess o' food in a truly decrepit kitchen. I mean. The burners on the stove are iffy, there aren't any decent knives and the lino is, well the floors need replacing. We make it work, time after time. I do a Costco run, we always have food left over and we feed hungry children.
Going on two retreats in October. I'm beyond weary. We lost a baby and I'm holding so much grief. I want the silence of the forest, simple meals made by someone else and a little bed I can sleep in. No cell phone, no internet, just the quiet dharma hall and my beloved Canadian teacher leading us in chants in her wobbly voice. Refuge, I'm seeking refuge. Someone asked me tonight if I was doing a 'spiritual bypass'. Quite the opposite. I'm not looking to transcend the pain, rather to go deeply into the pain, to hold it with tenderness and love. The loss of a child is a profound loss. All over the world are parents who have lost children and there is a web that connects them all. Grief levels us, makes us more compassionate.
As our very planet suffers, we who are made of earth and sky, we open to the pain of it all. Precious, our lives. How we spend our time. How we treat each other. How we treat ourselves. It's all we have, in the end. Staying open, letting the pain open us in ways we hadn't expected. Softening to love and wisdom and grace.
Saturday, September 16, 2017
Thursday, August 31, 2017
It's gonna happen. I'm selling my business at the end of September. Sara and I will sit down with lawyers and the BANK and sign a large pile of papers and then they drop a check into my bank account and we shake hands and toast and hoo-boy.
The first time I bought a house, the procedure was about the same. It was me and my realtor and the escrow guy and the BANK and legal pad sized forms in triplicate. I went home after and went to bed. Even though I was signing on to a piddling amount of mortgage, to me at the time, it felt like I was signing away my first born. Gha...
Anyway, this process has taken about a year. And the end is in sight. I am so ready to be done. I'll still work but the business of the business won't be my responsibility anymore. I can't wait.
Here at the birth center with a family in labor. The parents are deaf and they are here with an interpreter. A very expensive interpreter. Which insurance won't pay for, natch. I've made the commitment to provide an interpreter in honor of my deaf mother who had nobody with her for the births of her four children, not even her husband. She didn't sign but that's not the point. Every woman deserves to be supported in her language when she's laboring.
There's a memorial for a baby this Saturday. I can't say much here but the whole community is heartbroken. I'm heartbroken. I'd like to go live in the woods now. With the bears and the deer and the wild birds.
In these times, may we all find peace in our hearts and lives.
The first time I bought a house, the procedure was about the same. It was me and my realtor and the escrow guy and the BANK and legal pad sized forms in triplicate. I went home after and went to bed. Even though I was signing on to a piddling amount of mortgage, to me at the time, it felt like I was signing away my first born. Gha...
Anyway, this process has taken about a year. And the end is in sight. I am so ready to be done. I'll still work but the business of the business won't be my responsibility anymore. I can't wait.
Here at the birth center with a family in labor. The parents are deaf and they are here with an interpreter. A very expensive interpreter. Which insurance won't pay for, natch. I've made the commitment to provide an interpreter in honor of my deaf mother who had nobody with her for the births of her four children, not even her husband. She didn't sign but that's not the point. Every woman deserves to be supported in her language when she's laboring.
There's a memorial for a baby this Saturday. I can't say much here but the whole community is heartbroken. I'm heartbroken. I'd like to go live in the woods now. With the bears and the deer and the wild birds.
In these times, may we all find peace in our hearts and lives.
Monday, August 28, 2017
I'm indulging in a bit of anxiety/nervousness/fear mongering etc. I brought soup to work today that is, ah, inedible so I ate the avocado and the apple sauce and decided I was satisfied.
I hate dealing with money. I'm done being the boss. I don't wanna do it anymore. I want to be done, to give the responsibilities to someone else, someone who likes to deal with money, who is good at it and not intimidated. Why don't I have faith anyway?? Sometimes I do have faith and other times I don't. Ghaaaaa.
I have two tats on my forearms. One side says 'right now' and the other side says 'it's like this'. A saying from Ajahn Sumedo, a teacher of Buddhism. Cuz it's true. And there's not a thing we can do about it.
Sometimes I'm so anxious and triggered, I want to run off into the wild to be eaten by a bear. Other times, I'm good.
I sure as shit would be happier if we didn't have the ongoing fuckery in the White House.
May all beings in the path of the hurricane and the floods be safe.
I hate dealing with money. I'm done being the boss. I don't wanna do it anymore. I want to be done, to give the responsibilities to someone else, someone who likes to deal with money, who is good at it and not intimidated. Why don't I have faith anyway?? Sometimes I do have faith and other times I don't. Ghaaaaa.
I have two tats on my forearms. One side says 'right now' and the other side says 'it's like this'. A saying from Ajahn Sumedo, a teacher of Buddhism. Cuz it's true. And there's not a thing we can do about it.
Sometimes I'm so anxious and triggered, I want to run off into the wild to be eaten by a bear. Other times, I'm good.
I sure as shit would be happier if we didn't have the ongoing fuckery in the White House.
May all beings in the path of the hurricane and the floods be safe.
Thursday, August 17, 2017
Wednesday, August 16, 2017
Here we are, brown grass in Seattle because it hasn't rained in a long time. In Seattle, that's weird. So weird.
Home after a long birth and so tired. Beloved family and baby.
Want to hide out and read Anne Lamott and eat blueberries. Don't want any more horror from the idiot in chief. Not a choice to withdraw and stay 'safe'. We must engage, stand up, face our demons, resist injustice.
No choice. Not now. Too much is at stake.
Home after a long birth and so tired. Beloved family and baby.
Want to hide out and read Anne Lamott and eat blueberries. Don't want any more horror from the idiot in chief. Not a choice to withdraw and stay 'safe'. We must engage, stand up, face our demons, resist injustice.
No choice. Not now. Too much is at stake.
Friday, August 11, 2017
Wednesday, August 09, 2017
Yup, at another birth. This momma isn't even acting like she's in labor but she is. Some kind of pain threshold. We're hanging out in the living room while she, her partner and her friends are all in the bedroom talking and laughing. And she's at least 6 cm dilated. Go figure.
Gearing up to go to the Bay area for my next facilitator training. I'm supposed to give a presentation on the lineage we're in. What happened after the Buddha woke up anyway? 400 years of oral tradition, monks and nuns reciting the suttas. In Burma they still memorize the suttas. And there are hundreds of them.
Anyway, I have permission to create a visual aid so I'm gonna make a flow chart with Gautama at the top and then the stream of all the different types of Buddhism. Is this boring to report? Probably. I don't care. Well, the Christians have all their denominations and sects and whatnot. There's vipassana and zen and Tibetan and so forth. And they argue and debate and discuss. When Buddhism came to the US and the West, it morphed again.
As a teaching, there is great flexibility and inquiry in Buddhism. There is so much to know! I do feel like I've been slacking in the studies department. And now, it's all I want to read. There are scholars, mostly monks and nuns who have the time...while I'm staying up all night in other people's houses waiting on their babies.
Gearing up to go to the Bay area for my next facilitator training. I'm supposed to give a presentation on the lineage we're in. What happened after the Buddha woke up anyway? 400 years of oral tradition, monks and nuns reciting the suttas. In Burma they still memorize the suttas. And there are hundreds of them.
Anyway, I have permission to create a visual aid so I'm gonna make a flow chart with Gautama at the top and then the stream of all the different types of Buddhism. Is this boring to report? Probably. I don't care. Well, the Christians have all their denominations and sects and whatnot. There's vipassana and zen and Tibetan and so forth. And they argue and debate and discuss. When Buddhism came to the US and the West, it morphed again.
As a teaching, there is great flexibility and inquiry in Buddhism. There is so much to know! I do feel like I've been slacking in the studies department. And now, it's all I want to read. There are scholars, mostly monks and nuns who have the time...while I'm staying up all night in other people's houses waiting on their babies.
Saturday, August 05, 2017
Thursday, July 27, 2017
Once again, I'm waiting on a momma, this one her 4th baby so she's an old hand. She predicts when this one will come so I'm sitting on the couch wondering if I should just wander over there and hang at her house. It's dark now and there's no traffic, thank the goddess of all things birth-wise.
I must say, D Trump continues to be a horse's ass. No transgender in the military because their health care is so expensive?????? My therapist says there will be an uprising and we'll all take to the streets to save our democracy. Ok, I'm down with that. What's most interesting is that we go to work, we sit on the train looking at our screens, we buy food at the co-op, we get gas, we go swimming, we tend our gardens and walk our dogs AS IF LIFE IS ALL NORMAL when it's so effed up and we're hoping that those founding fathers got it right with three branches of government and the system of checks and balances and so on.
The NYT published the constitution in their Sunday paper. It's huge and takes up four pages. I taped it to the wall so I could remind myself what it says, especially those pesky amendments.
Cuz what's at stake-EVERYTHING. I know there is outrage everywhere we look, and I mean everywhere. My fear is that we will go numb and hide out in our neighborhoods and that is no way to behave if we're gonna weather this absolute fuckery.
In other news, Diane, my ex and I went to the lady spa and soaked and steamed and ate fabulous Korean food in our bathrobes. Well, why not? And we saw normal woman bodies, young and old. Not everyone is 18 and 110 pounds. What a relief.
I'm gonna go get in my scrubs and take off this terrible bra. Gawd, I hate bras so much. There must be a comfortable one out there but I've never encountered it.
BTW, while doing a birth a few days ago in my nice clinic clothes, I hoisted myself up on the bed and apparently caught the hem of my pants on my foot and basically pulled my pants down under my ass. Fortunately I was wearing colorful undies and I quickly (with my gloved hand) pulled up my pants and no one was the wiser. Fashion disaster narrowly averted. Well, those pants are very comfortable with a stretchy waistband so it, um, happened.
The parents and the baby didn't mind at all.
I must say, D Trump continues to be a horse's ass. No transgender in the military because their health care is so expensive?????? My therapist says there will be an uprising and we'll all take to the streets to save our democracy. Ok, I'm down with that. What's most interesting is that we go to work, we sit on the train looking at our screens, we buy food at the co-op, we get gas, we go swimming, we tend our gardens and walk our dogs AS IF LIFE IS ALL NORMAL when it's so effed up and we're hoping that those founding fathers got it right with three branches of government and the system of checks and balances and so on.
The NYT published the constitution in their Sunday paper. It's huge and takes up four pages. I taped it to the wall so I could remind myself what it says, especially those pesky amendments.
Cuz what's at stake-EVERYTHING. I know there is outrage everywhere we look, and I mean everywhere. My fear is that we will go numb and hide out in our neighborhoods and that is no way to behave if we're gonna weather this absolute fuckery.
In other news, Diane, my ex and I went to the lady spa and soaked and steamed and ate fabulous Korean food in our bathrobes. Well, why not? And we saw normal woman bodies, young and old. Not everyone is 18 and 110 pounds. What a relief.
I'm gonna go get in my scrubs and take off this terrible bra. Gawd, I hate bras so much. There must be a comfortable one out there but I've never encountered it.
BTW, while doing a birth a few days ago in my nice clinic clothes, I hoisted myself up on the bed and apparently caught the hem of my pants on my foot and basically pulled my pants down under my ass. Fortunately I was wearing colorful undies and I quickly (with my gloved hand) pulled up my pants and no one was the wiser. Fashion disaster narrowly averted. Well, those pants are very comfortable with a stretchy waistband so it, um, happened.
The parents and the baby didn't mind at all.
Saturday, July 22, 2017
Hello dear ones. I've been buried under an avalanche of babies. I'm profoundly tired. Even after five days away with my family, I came right back to work and had an all nighter birth and I'm at the birth center now with another momma. And clinic. And the usual shenanigans with my staff. We had, as my student deadpanned when I asked her, 65 babies in a month. We didn't have that many but it sure felt like it.
My clinic practice is almost sold. Sara, my sweet partner, is buying it. I've finally seen the purchase and sale agreement and it's 44 pages of legalese. Sheesh. Non-compete, loan default, etc etc. I know that Sara is the perfect person to take over. She's smart, intuitive, kind and very skilled. So amazing in one so young. I'll still be here as the grande dam of whatever. I'm having trouble imagining myself not going to births anymore but I'll tell ya, after the past month, I could sleep for a year. I get home, water the gardens, feed the animals, walk Felix, eat, fall into bed, get called out at 3AM, do clinic, repeat.
I went swimming today in the lake. Lake Washington is 29 miles long and very wide. It's a wonderful big lake and I love it. Today it was chock full of yachts, roped together. Seattle has, alas, become a city of millionaires. I remember with great fondness the Old Seattle, funky, a bit seedy, unpretentious and slow. Now it's a hip happening place. And I've become an old woman with arthritic knees.
But the babies are still delicious. Every one of them.
My clinic practice is almost sold. Sara, my sweet partner, is buying it. I've finally seen the purchase and sale agreement and it's 44 pages of legalese. Sheesh. Non-compete, loan default, etc etc. I know that Sara is the perfect person to take over. She's smart, intuitive, kind and very skilled. So amazing in one so young. I'll still be here as the grande dam of whatever. I'm having trouble imagining myself not going to births anymore but I'll tell ya, after the past month, I could sleep for a year. I get home, water the gardens, feed the animals, walk Felix, eat, fall into bed, get called out at 3AM, do clinic, repeat.
I went swimming today in the lake. Lake Washington is 29 miles long and very wide. It's a wonderful big lake and I love it. Today it was chock full of yachts, roped together. Seattle has, alas, become a city of millionaires. I remember with great fondness the Old Seattle, funky, a bit seedy, unpretentious and slow. Now it's a hip happening place. And I've become an old woman with arthritic knees.
But the babies are still delicious. Every one of them.
Thursday, June 29, 2017
Saturday, June 24, 2017
Some more babies in the last few weeks. Very hot today in Seattle. And it's Pride weekend here. Just sat in the park watching the humans in rainbow glitter, tutus, tennis shoes, face paint, dyed hair. All magnificent and beautiful. Oh, and platform shoes. Always worry about those, waiting for someone to topple over. I once saw orange and white platforms that were 3 feet tall. The man/woman/person was standing on the street in Austin in front of a bar. I couldn't understand what I was looking at...until I could.
Honorable mention: dogs wearing their Pride swag.
I will spend the day enjoying my queer self, at home with my animals. I might even take a nap. In my youth, I was out there reveling in, well, revelry. Now I'm happy to enjoy my garden and being off call. I'm grateful we homos can have our weekend and some legal protections and the right to marry and care for each other when we're old. Of course there's more. Transgendered folk need protection too. They are humans and deserve the same rights and protections that others enjoy. And can we stop with the bathroom issue already? What a dumb thing to pay attention to. Whatever.
So whoever you are out there and however you identify, I hope you feel loved and appreciated today just as you are. Warts and all.
Honorable mention: dogs wearing their Pride swag.
I will spend the day enjoying my queer self, at home with my animals. I might even take a nap. In my youth, I was out there reveling in, well, revelry. Now I'm happy to enjoy my garden and being off call. I'm grateful we homos can have our weekend and some legal protections and the right to marry and care for each other when we're old. Of course there's more. Transgendered folk need protection too. They are humans and deserve the same rights and protections that others enjoy. And can we stop with the bathroom issue already? What a dumb thing to pay attention to. Whatever.
So whoever you are out there and however you identify, I hope you feel loved and appreciated today just as you are. Warts and all.
Sunday, June 04, 2017
The humming birds have returned! They are hanging out in the front garden as there are more flowers. I hope they visit the back too because I have a feeder for them with (apparently) yummy sugar water in it.
I am in despair over the last few weeks. I know you know. I went to dance today and broke down. Our poor creatures suffering. Not just the polar bears but all of us. As our clueless 'leader' continues to bring us closer to Armageddon.
I bought a broadside which I brought home today:
manhood meets donny boy
The beauty of me is that I'm rich
If manhood be a hand, boyhood be a discovery
we be see want grab take
but only within arms reach
but yours be vice grip on silver spoon
When someone challenges you,
fight back. Be brutal, be tough
If manhood be a hand, your be fist clenched
white-knuckle death grip around the neck of a dove
yours be standing on street corner of a city block your own
and still be shuffling the deck in a game of shells
Listen, you motherfuckers
Yours be slapping hands away from volume knobs
so you can turn it all the way up
be fingers as earplugs and you "lalalalala"ing all the way home
I don't want to use the word
"screwed' but I screwed him
your manhood stamps your name on treaty
never honored, but always enforced
your manhood be fork in the road
my way or highway litany of demands
I have an attention span
that's as long as it has to be
your manhood be in need of a manual
a hands on course
but none exists in 140 characters
A little more moderation would be good
....My life hasn't exactly been one of moderation
manhood be an open palm
be a dove set free
be question marks and quiet tones
be boyhood's big brother applauding in the audience
be nothing to prove
Everything in life is luck
you orange trickster, brer rabbit in comb-over
your sleight of hand slips of tongue
leave us sloppy mouth agape and used
I feel like a great and very brave soldier
you man-handle business
strike blows, cut corners, kill dreams
legend only in your own book
you might be no steel drivin man
tighten the vice on the silver spoon
choke the air out then smile, big
assure us
Believe me
you are the answer
Believe me
assure us
Believe me
you are our gift
Believe me
No one better than me
I am in despair over the last few weeks. I know you know. I went to dance today and broke down. Our poor creatures suffering. Not just the polar bears but all of us. As our clueless 'leader' continues to bring us closer to Armageddon.
I bought a broadside which I brought home today:
manhood meets donny boy
The beauty of me is that I'm rich
If manhood be a hand, boyhood be a discovery
we be see want grab take
but only within arms reach
but yours be vice grip on silver spoon
When someone challenges you,
fight back. Be brutal, be tough
If manhood be a hand, your be fist clenched
white-knuckle death grip around the neck of a dove
yours be standing on street corner of a city block your own
and still be shuffling the deck in a game of shells
Listen, you motherfuckers
Yours be slapping hands away from volume knobs
so you can turn it all the way up
be fingers as earplugs and you "lalalalala"ing all the way home
I don't want to use the word
"screwed' but I screwed him
your manhood stamps your name on treaty
never honored, but always enforced
your manhood be fork in the road
my way or highway litany of demands
I have an attention span
that's as long as it has to be
your manhood be in need of a manual
a hands on course
but none exists in 140 characters
A little more moderation would be good
....My life hasn't exactly been one of moderation
manhood be an open palm
be a dove set free
be question marks and quiet tones
be boyhood's big brother applauding in the audience
be nothing to prove
Everything in life is luck
you orange trickster, brer rabbit in comb-over
your sleight of hand slips of tongue
leave us sloppy mouth agape and used
I feel like a great and very brave soldier
you man-handle business
strike blows, cut corners, kill dreams
legend only in your own book
you might be no steel drivin man
tighten the vice on the silver spoon
choke the air out then smile, big
assure us
Believe me
you are the answer
Believe me
assure us
Believe me
you are our gift
Believe me
No one better than me
Wednesday, May 24, 2017
Dearies-
Sitting at the birth center waitin' on a baby. Seems like every week when I'm on call, someone goes into labor. That's ok, I am a midwife after all.
The weather here has decided to get warm and sunny. The poor vegetable garden is pathetic. I planted greens and it was so cold they all bolted because they thought it was fall and they better hurry up and make some babies. So, I'll start again with starts. The peas are invincible however but when I think about last year's garden bursting with everything I planted and this year's sad wee plants..I actually watered today because it got hot enough.
I cleaned out my garage today and while that's not much of an accomplishment in the mess of the world, I feel good about cleaning up my little patch. And besides, my friend Casey keeps reminding me that she would be delighted to live in a tiny house next to my house and the garage would be just perfect for a tiny house re-do. Gawd. That's all I need, another remodel.
I put various useable thangs out in the parking strip and don't you know, they are mostly gone by the time I left for the birth. A box of odds and ends, light fixtures, hinges, nails and screws. Picture frames, a big umbrella. It's the free stuff that people give away. Someone can use it. Better than sending it all to the dump.
In another month, I will no longer be the owner of the clinic. I'll get a whopping check, pay down my debts, invest the rest and life will go on as before. We are easing a new midwife into the practice. She is another naturopathic midwife and a great woman. She has been unfailingly steady and helpful, filling in here and there, whatever is needed. And she's organized, something the rest of us lack. She'll be coming to this birth later on to birth assist, help clean up, whatever we need her to do. She's been seeing babies in the peds clinic which is growing exponentially.
I'm so happy to be leaving the clinic to Sara, my spiritual daughter. It is thriving and healthy and we have such a good time working together. I am hanging on, I really don't want to leave...
But if I'm gonna become a dharma teacher or something like that, I need to devote myself to study and contemplation. I have plenty to draw from, my life as a baby catcher. So many lessons and stories, funny, sad, terrible and wonderful. I want to be of service as along as I still have my marbles.
Good night dear ones. There are the night workers like us, while the rest of the world is asleep, waiting for some to die, some to be born. The endless wheel.
Sitting at the birth center waitin' on a baby. Seems like every week when I'm on call, someone goes into labor. That's ok, I am a midwife after all.
The weather here has decided to get warm and sunny. The poor vegetable garden is pathetic. I planted greens and it was so cold they all bolted because they thought it was fall and they better hurry up and make some babies. So, I'll start again with starts. The peas are invincible however but when I think about last year's garden bursting with everything I planted and this year's sad wee plants..I actually watered today because it got hot enough.
I cleaned out my garage today and while that's not much of an accomplishment in the mess of the world, I feel good about cleaning up my little patch. And besides, my friend Casey keeps reminding me that she would be delighted to live in a tiny house next to my house and the garage would be just perfect for a tiny house re-do. Gawd. That's all I need, another remodel.
I put various useable thangs out in the parking strip and don't you know, they are mostly gone by the time I left for the birth. A box of odds and ends, light fixtures, hinges, nails and screws. Picture frames, a big umbrella. It's the free stuff that people give away. Someone can use it. Better than sending it all to the dump.
In another month, I will no longer be the owner of the clinic. I'll get a whopping check, pay down my debts, invest the rest and life will go on as before. We are easing a new midwife into the practice. She is another naturopathic midwife and a great woman. She has been unfailingly steady and helpful, filling in here and there, whatever is needed. And she's organized, something the rest of us lack. She'll be coming to this birth later on to birth assist, help clean up, whatever we need her to do. She's been seeing babies in the peds clinic which is growing exponentially.
I'm so happy to be leaving the clinic to Sara, my spiritual daughter. It is thriving and healthy and we have such a good time working together. I am hanging on, I really don't want to leave...
But if I'm gonna become a dharma teacher or something like that, I need to devote myself to study and contemplation. I have plenty to draw from, my life as a baby catcher. So many lessons and stories, funny, sad, terrible and wonderful. I want to be of service as along as I still have my marbles.
Good night dear ones. There are the night workers like us, while the rest of the world is asleep, waiting for some to die, some to be born. The endless wheel.
Wednesday, May 03, 2017
Wednesday, April 26, 2017
Today I went to the garden store to cruise plants. It's a bit pornographic, the way I behave. Or maybe I have bee tendencies but I'm looking for colors and smells and curvy figures. There were birds chirping and I thought they were playing some bird chirping audio but no. There by the cash register was a large round stainless feeding trough hung with a warming light and a bunch of baby chicks on bedding inside. They'd just come in the mail (!) from Kansas. The box with holes in it was still on the floor. They were hungry and thirsty, stepping on each other and falling into the water. The gal in the store said she could hear them at the post office ( I bet!). Anyway, I hung over their enclosure and watched. So soft and fluffy and weighing practically nothing. Gladdened my mood.
I bought starts and seeds and headed for my p-patch, the city's answer to those of us who need gardening space. They provide water and tools and a small plot of fertile earth. I have learned so much from my SE Asian neighbors about how to intensively garden. They grow around and among different plants. Vines grow up corn stalks. Smaller plants grow among larger ones. And they have veggies all year round.
My strawberries were looking healthy and so were the weeds, which I pulled out. I planted spinach and lettuce. I like that spot for squash because it takes so much room to grow. The beds by my house have peas and beets and beans and more lettuce. I'm so glad to be able to walk out and harvest food from my yard.
My yard right now
I bought starts and seeds and headed for my p-patch, the city's answer to those of us who need gardening space. They provide water and tools and a small plot of fertile earth. I have learned so much from my SE Asian neighbors about how to intensively garden. They grow around and among different plants. Vines grow up corn stalks. Smaller plants grow among larger ones. And they have veggies all year round.
My strawberries were looking healthy and so were the weeds, which I pulled out. I planted spinach and lettuce. I like that spot for squash because it takes so much room to grow. The beds by my house have peas and beets and beans and more lettuce. I'm so glad to be able to walk out and harvest food from my yard.
My yard right now
The back yard just got the walkway and now it's time to fill in with more plants. My friend who has been helping with the heavy lifting says I should feel glad to come home and see my garden. And I do.
I'm all up in being a student, y'all. I'm studying dharma books and instantly forgetting what I've read. I give my first 'talk' this Sunday and I just might disregard my notes and speak from my heart. Yikes. I could talk for hours about midwifery; history, efficacy, shortcomings, data, etc etc but dharma is...different. Feels more important to be authentic and of course I can't talk about what I haven't experienced. And that's the truth.
So wish me well. The topic is racism and American Buddhism. In 15 minutes. No problem. Ha!
Sunday, April 09, 2017
Cold but daffodils and cherry blossoms. Had a salad of collard greens from last years garden. My friend Casey is in Uganda with MSF, helping support Somali refugees. Such suffering in this world. The cycle is endlessly repeating.
Danced with my dear fellow dancers this morning. Generation of joy essential in troubled times. Went to a gallery with a buddy yesterday-all artists responding to the Trump regime. My favorite: The Trump sandwich-white bread, baloney, I.C.E. berg lettuce with American cheese and a small pickle.
Got my taxes and fell on the floor. I owe a massive amount. And a miracle happened. I didn't have a panic attack. I didn't lose sleep. I didn't become completely unhinged. I stayed calm. I knew it would be ok, somehow. Because it will be ok. In the grand scheme, it's a minor thang. Soon enough, I won't own the business anymore, my income will drop precipitously and I'll be living on a tight budget and it 's all ok. It really is. The eight worldly winds. Can't avoid 'em. Praise and blame, gain and loss, pleasure and pain, fame and ill-repute.
Be well. Take heart.
Danced with my dear fellow dancers this morning. Generation of joy essential in troubled times. Went to a gallery with a buddy yesterday-all artists responding to the Trump regime. My favorite: The Trump sandwich-white bread, baloney, I.C.E. berg lettuce with American cheese and a small pickle.
Got my taxes and fell on the floor. I owe a massive amount. And a miracle happened. I didn't have a panic attack. I didn't lose sleep. I didn't become completely unhinged. I stayed calm. I knew it would be ok, somehow. Because it will be ok. In the grand scheme, it's a minor thang. Soon enough, I won't own the business anymore, my income will drop precipitously and I'll be living on a tight budget and it 's all ok. It really is. The eight worldly winds. Can't avoid 'em. Praise and blame, gain and loss, pleasure and pain, fame and ill-repute.
Be well. Take heart.
Thursday, March 30, 2017
We had a wee babe earlier this week and dang it all, I was worrying about her, nothing big, more subtle and I sent them to the hospital this morning and don't you know, the baby has a heart thang which needs surgery later on. So subtle. I mean she looked good and was pink and clear lungs and good tone but there was something...
I believe there is much that is unseen in this world. I'm sure there are tree devas, for example. I could go on but I'll spare you my hippie musings. Anyway, a disembodied somebody was tapping on my shoulder, fussing at me about this baby. So I paid attention. As I often say to my students, "It never hurts to have another opinion. What's the worst that could happen? There's not a thing wrong with the child and they'll just sent her/him home." Better to be too cautious than not cautious enough.
Rain and sun, rain and sun. Back and forth, in the faithful weather of the NW.
Off to my sangha or as MLK would have called it, my "beloved community."
I believe there is much that is unseen in this world. I'm sure there are tree devas, for example. I could go on but I'll spare you my hippie musings. Anyway, a disembodied somebody was tapping on my shoulder, fussing at me about this baby. So I paid attention. As I often say to my students, "It never hurts to have another opinion. What's the worst that could happen? There's not a thing wrong with the child and they'll just sent her/him home." Better to be too cautious than not cautious enough.
Rain and sun, rain and sun. Back and forth, in the faithful weather of the NW.
Off to my sangha or as MLK would have called it, my "beloved community."
Monday, March 27, 2017
The Grand Canyon is, well, grand. We had sun, rain, hail, snow and thunderstorms. In short, we had everything.
I heard a young lady say, "They all look the same!", referring to the many canyons in the south rim. No, they don't.
Waiting on a baby. The house is quiet without Felix. He's with Randy, his buddy and dog sitter. It's like not having the kids for the weekend.
I'm a reader now. I am reading Taming the Ox: Buddhist Stories and Reflections on Politics, Race, Culture, and Spiritual Practice by Charles Johnson. I'm reading Mindfulness by Joseph Goldstein and Lovingkindness by Sharon Salzberg. I just bought three books of poetry by David Whyte. I have piles of books in every room. I'm in the 'improving my mind and understanding' phase.
Soon enough I leave for a long weekend in LA to sit/study with the Against the Stream folks, a Buddhist group that I've been sitting with. I'm beginning a facilitator training with them that extends for 18 months. I'm trying to be a smart Buddhist. So I read. Four Noble Truths. Eightfold Path. Three Jewels. Four Divine Abodes. etc. etc.
I hope everyone is hanging in in spite of the daily news shenanegans. Some kind of cosmic playbook we are having with goofus in the White House.
I heard a young lady say, "They all look the same!", referring to the many canyons in the south rim. No, they don't.
Waiting on a baby. The house is quiet without Felix. He's with Randy, his buddy and dog sitter. It's like not having the kids for the weekend.
I'm a reader now. I am reading Taming the Ox: Buddhist Stories and Reflections on Politics, Race, Culture, and Spiritual Practice by Charles Johnson. I'm reading Mindfulness by Joseph Goldstein and Lovingkindness by Sharon Salzberg. I just bought three books of poetry by David Whyte. I have piles of books in every room. I'm in the 'improving my mind and understanding' phase.
Soon enough I leave for a long weekend in LA to sit/study with the Against the Stream folks, a Buddhist group that I've been sitting with. I'm beginning a facilitator training with them that extends for 18 months. I'm trying to be a smart Buddhist. So I read. Four Noble Truths. Eightfold Path. Three Jewels. Four Divine Abodes. etc. etc.
I hope everyone is hanging in in spite of the daily news shenanegans. Some kind of cosmic playbook we are having with goofus in the White House.
Wednesday, March 15, 2017
Tuesday, March 14, 2017
Thursday, March 09, 2017
I blame it all on the POTUS
The other day I was waiting to get to the scone/cookie case while my dear coop bakery person was refilling the shelves. He turned, saw me and asked if I needed to get by him. I was having a floaty bliss day and NOT HURRYING from place to place. I was actually moving slowly and deliberately, paying attention. So I said, "Nah, I'll wait for you. I'm in no hurry." And he replied, "Yeah, it's just cookies."
So I'm using this whenever I'm getting upset about insignificant things-my computer doesn't load fast enough, the freeway is clogged up, I forgot to take out the trash.
It's just cookies.
You're free to incorporate into your lives.
You're welcome.
So I'm using this whenever I'm getting upset about insignificant things-my computer doesn't load fast enough, the freeway is clogged up, I forgot to take out the trash.
It's just cookies.
You're free to incorporate into your lives.
You're welcome.
Friday, February 24, 2017
Saturday, February 18, 2017
Weather Report
The weather is horrible here on Judevine Mountain.
It's dark and cold all winter. Every day, rain and snow
beat on your head, and the sun never shines. Then
it's spring and more rain, and ice and mud too. And
after that, the black flies eat you alive, and then the
deer flies, and then the mosquitoes, and then it's fall
before you even noticed it was summer. Then there
might be a couple of weeks of decent weather and
then it starts to rain and snow again. It's just awful
living here. I don't think you'd like it here at all.
You'd better find your own miserable place to live.
The weather is horrible here on Judevine Mountain.
It's dark and cold all winter. Every day, rain and snow
beat on your head, and the sun never shines. Then
it's spring and more rain, and ice and mud too. And
after that, the black flies eat you alive, and then the
deer flies, and then the mosquitoes, and then it's fall
before you even noticed it was summer. Then there
might be a couple of weeks of decent weather and
then it starts to rain and snow again. It's just awful
living here. I don't think you'd like it here at all.
You'd better find your own miserable place to live.
-David Budbill
Tuesday, February 14, 2017
Sunday, January 08, 2017
Stuff all around the house, partially packed. I'm not bring much because I'll be wearing the same thing for three weeks.
Finished the typhoid meds, ug. Packed antibiotics, malaria meds and xanax (natch) for the 36 hour plane ride with stop overs, gha..... did I ever say I'm claustrophobic? Well I am a smidge. So riding in a jumbo jet with 120 other people AND if I should be stuck in the center aisle, well you get the picture. They do let you watch a bunch of first run movies on a wee screen but that gets old after a while.
Will I be warm enough? Will I be too hot? Will I go crazy sitting and walking for 14 hours a day? Will the dharma teacher be sweet or severe or cranky? Will my fellow retreatants drive me crazy? Will I drive myself crazy?
All will be revealed.
For the benefit of all beings, I go forth.
And bless all the beings who are marching on January 21st in DC and all over the country. I am there in spirit. It's historic, women.
My daughter is going to DC with her bud Traci. Go represent, ladies.
Finished the typhoid meds, ug. Packed antibiotics, malaria meds and xanax (natch) for the 36 hour plane ride with stop overs, gha..... did I ever say I'm claustrophobic? Well I am a smidge. So riding in a jumbo jet with 120 other people AND if I should be stuck in the center aisle, well you get the picture. They do let you watch a bunch of first run movies on a wee screen but that gets old after a while.
Will I be warm enough? Will I be too hot? Will I go crazy sitting and walking for 14 hours a day? Will the dharma teacher be sweet or severe or cranky? Will my fellow retreatants drive me crazy? Will I drive myself crazy?
All will be revealed.
For the benefit of all beings, I go forth.
And bless all the beings who are marching on January 21st in DC and all over the country. I am there in spirit. It's historic, women.
My daughter is going to DC with her bud Traci. Go represent, ladies.
Friday, December 30, 2016
I've taken my first typhoid pill and picked up all my other meds AND I got a cortisone shot in my knee and it's heavenly, so heavenly to walk around with no pain. My angelic doctor (who is 6' 5, fresh-faced, with white teeth and luscious complexion) says I can have a shot every three months. Okey dokey.
If I can be pain free for a while, I'm a happy camper. Hooray for modern medicine.
In other news, my beloved daughter left this morning to drive back to the Bay Area with the most beautiful grandson child, my Milo. He's 6 feet tall and so sweet. He hugs me and tells me he loves me. Nothing better.
This afternoon is devoted to feeding homeless kids with my peeps. There may be a lotta folks showing up to cook and serve. At this time of year, people want to help out, you know. July is a little harder...
I leave pretty soon. Yikes.
I say love everyone harder and better. And have a blessed New Year. Felix says Woof.
If I can be pain free for a while, I'm a happy camper. Hooray for modern medicine.
In other news, my beloved daughter left this morning to drive back to the Bay Area with the most beautiful grandson child, my Milo. He's 6 feet tall and so sweet. He hugs me and tells me he loves me. Nothing better.
This afternoon is devoted to feeding homeless kids with my peeps. There may be a lotta folks showing up to cook and serve. At this time of year, people want to help out, you know. July is a little harder...
I leave pretty soon. Yikes.
I say love everyone harder and better. And have a blessed New Year. Felix says Woof.
Sunday, December 18, 2016
Wednesday, December 14, 2016
Friday, December 09, 2016
I'm reading How to Survive a Plague
Alison,
they tore down your house
the section 8
you remember
the grungy wall-to-wall
peeling blue paint
they're making way
new housing for the new rich invading our town
I'm getting confused
you lived there with Sheila
before you went to the Bay area
came back with AIDS
you shared needles
you said
you came back depressed
we took turns
taking you in
you cried all the time
you cried all week
we had no idea what to do for you
with you
but I remember your legs, your messed up legs
sometimes you were in a chair
sometimes you walked with canes
didn't stop you from tubing with the kids
the Rainier trip when we did a 360 coming off the mountain
Eden crying in the back seat
clatter of skiis and snowshoes
me yelling, "we're fine, we're fine!!"
after you moved uptown
you got a tarantula
birds
cats who ran after toys you tied to a fishing rod
you got sick
you got very sick
you spent more and more time in the hospital
you just missed out on the whole 'living with AIDS' thing
the drugs you took caused you to suffer
we were all helpless
your great heart wouldn't let you die
for a long time
you gave away your dog
three legged Tripod
he was getting old
you didn't have the energy anymore
I missed your funeral by a day
I went to the hall
no lights on
empty
so I went to the lake with my photos of you
my pocket of stories
about your generosity
your way with children
your anger
your sadness
I lit the pictures with my lighter
let them settle on the water
and as you signed your letters and cards I said-
In love and rage,
Beth
they tore down your house
the section 8
you remember
the grungy wall-to-wall
peeling blue paint
they're making way
new housing for the new rich invading our town
I'm getting confused
you lived there with Sheila
before you went to the Bay area
came back with AIDS
you shared needles
you said
you came back depressed
we took turns
taking you in
you cried all the time
you cried all week
we had no idea what to do for you
with you
but I remember your legs, your messed up legs
sometimes you were in a chair
sometimes you walked with canes
didn't stop you from tubing with the kids
the Rainier trip when we did a 360 coming off the mountain
Eden crying in the back seat
clatter of skiis and snowshoes
me yelling, "we're fine, we're fine!!"
after you moved uptown
you got a tarantula
birds
cats who ran after toys you tied to a fishing rod
you got sick
you got very sick
you spent more and more time in the hospital
you just missed out on the whole 'living with AIDS' thing
the drugs you took caused you to suffer
we were all helpless
your great heart wouldn't let you die
for a long time
you gave away your dog
three legged Tripod
he was getting old
you didn't have the energy anymore
I missed your funeral by a day
I went to the hall
no lights on
empty
so I went to the lake with my photos of you
my pocket of stories
about your generosity
your way with children
your anger
your sadness
I lit the pictures with my lighter
let them settle on the water
and as you signed your letters and cards I said-
In love and rage,
Beth
Wednesday, December 07, 2016
Sunday, December 04, 2016
I've downloaded my visa and talked with the travel nurse about meds and shots. They warn you not to get into a car accident and wear a helmet if you're on a bike. I think I'll be walking up and down stairs between the kitchen and the temple, which is at the top of a hill (?) small mountain (?). I have to order white blouses, a light blanket (nights are chilly), bug repellant, a shawl impregnated with fierce bug spray. So far I've got powdered tooth stuff, a foldy toothbrush, and a bar of soap that doubles as shampoo. In lieu of cutting my hair, I'm gonna wear it up, pin it up and forget about it. Fourteen hours of practice, holy moley. It is intimidating. And no food after twelve noon. Hoo boy..
And this:
Dearest hearts. May we all be well. May we be free from suffering.
I'm avoiding the news. I know it's bad. It doesn't help to know. At least Obama's administration stopped the pipeline at Standing Rock.
And then there's this:
And then there's this:
Today, like every other day,
we wake up empty
and frightened.
Don’t open the door to the study and begin reading.
Take down a lute.
we wake up empty
and frightened.
Don’t open the door to the study and begin reading.
Take down a lute.
Let the beauty we love be what we do.
There are hundreds of ways to kneel and
kiss the ground.
kiss the ground.
~ Rumi
Dearest hearts. May we all be well. May we be free from suffering.
Wednesday, November 23, 2016
I washed the floors, vacuumed, washed the dog (!), made cranberry sauce, Hollyhock dressing and a three berry pie, did laundry, cleaned the bathroom and took a windy walk with my dear Holly and said dog.
I fear I've invited half the city to my house and they're all coming. I don't have enough chairs or plates or forks. The turkey and salmon are in the fridge, waiting for tomorrow. Those are easy.
I leave for Burma on the 9th of January. My visa came through. I forgot to make an appointment with the knee doc but will do it Friday if I remember.
I will give thanks tomorrow for all the beauty in my life. And I will love my friends and family always.
Annie called and told me her breasts aren't sagging, they're resting.
Amen, sister.
I fear I've invited half the city to my house and they're all coming. I don't have enough chairs or plates or forks. The turkey and salmon are in the fridge, waiting for tomorrow. Those are easy.
I leave for Burma on the 9th of January. My visa came through. I forgot to make an appointment with the knee doc but will do it Friday if I remember.
I will give thanks tomorrow for all the beauty in my life. And I will love my friends and family always.
Annie called and told me her breasts aren't sagging, they're resting.
Amen, sister.
Monday, November 21, 2016
Monday, November 14, 2016
This morning I got up very early to swim in my local pool. I got there in the dark and the parking lot was strangely empty. Hmmm. I went in and a nice young lady was sitting at a card table by the door to the pool. As I approached her, she said the pool was closed because the underwater lights weren't working. So like any mentally healthy person six days after the worst election IN THE WORLD, I burst into tears. She reared back in alarm and gave me a free ticket to the pool at a later date... I sobbed my way out to the car and drove back home so I could shower for work. As I sat in front of my house weeping on my steering wheel, I reached a moment of clarity. Perhaps I wasn't really upset about the pool. Maybe it was for all of it and I've been holding myself from having a monumental cry over the whole damn thing. Yeah, that's probably it.
I visited a new momma a few days ago and her dog bit me. Uh, I did take it as a sign. I got a tetanus shot and had a very sore arm for a while.
I'm wearing a friggin' safety pin on my clothes.
A newly pregnant mom told me today in clinic that after 15 years, she and her husband decided to get pregnant and they did. And all the joy she was feeling has gone, like a light being extinguished.
Meanwhile my friends of color are being openly harassed on the streets of my liberal town. God only knows what's happening elsewhere. We're all so afraid.
My dreams are full of dread. And when I wake, they don't disappear. They trail me all day, ghostly and menacing.
Dear Leonard, We miss you awful.
I visited a new momma a few days ago and her dog bit me. Uh, I did take it as a sign. I got a tetanus shot and had a very sore arm for a while.
I'm wearing a friggin' safety pin on my clothes.
A newly pregnant mom told me today in clinic that after 15 years, she and her husband decided to get pregnant and they did. And all the joy she was feeling has gone, like a light being extinguished.
Meanwhile my friends of color are being openly harassed on the streets of my liberal town. God only knows what's happening elsewhere. We're all so afraid.
My dreams are full of dread. And when I wake, they don't disappear. They trail me all day, ghostly and menacing.
Dear Leonard, We miss you awful.
Friday, November 11, 2016
In the Buddhist canon, change is the only constant. No point in getting attached to things because they will inevitably change. We didn't foresee the magnitude of this change, however. And we've been stunned, saddened, grief stricken in a way I can't remember ever feeling before in this here country. I was much younger when the 60's happened and we endured a series of shocks..now it's global shocks.
We're talking and talking. We're envisioning the possibilities, the dire possibilities. Cabinet appointments, ghaaaa. The Supreme Court appointments. All the modest gains we've made for the good of all. We've talked it into the ground. Sure, we'll wait and see.
I bought a ticket to Burma yesterday. I'll be gone a month. I'll miss the inauguration. I'll be in a monastery with monks and nuns.
Life rolls along. Babies come and bring their angelic joy.
I don't have anger. I do have oceans of sadness. I cry easily and often. I live in a blue state but that will not save the planet.
There is gonna be marching in the streets, y'all.
We're talking and talking. We're envisioning the possibilities, the dire possibilities. Cabinet appointments, ghaaaa. The Supreme Court appointments. All the modest gains we've made for the good of all. We've talked it into the ground. Sure, we'll wait and see.
I bought a ticket to Burma yesterday. I'll be gone a month. I'll miss the inauguration. I'll be in a monastery with monks and nuns.
Life rolls along. Babies come and bring their angelic joy.
I don't have anger. I do have oceans of sadness. I cry easily and often. I live in a blue state but that will not save the planet.
There is gonna be marching in the streets, y'all.
Wednesday, November 09, 2016
Wednesday, November 02, 2016
Monday, October 17, 2016
It's been a while. I'm ironing. My mother taught me to iron my father's shirts. With starch. Ug. I got pretty good.
I was on retreat all last week on Samish Island. Beautiful windy place with a heron roosting site, bald eagles, seals and deer, all of which I saw. I slept 12 hours a day and then sat in the meditation hall nodding out. Really pathetic. I brought 'natural' M & Ms to munch while trying to read by flashlight.
I met people who have been to the Burmese temple where I'm going in January. My right knee is giving me fits so I'm going to see a sports medicine doc on my dime to see if I can get injections to help it out while I'm gone traipsing around a foreign country with a backpack. I have fear and trembling to go by myself. I was supposed to do this sort of adventuring when I was young but I was busy with babies.
My sister is in a secure treatment center while they try to figure out the right cocktail of drugs to get her stabilized so her depression lessens. I talked with her today and she sounds ok.... The family illness scurries around our brains. Being across the country is so frustrating. Helpless. The subtext to this post. The worry that she won't be able to right herself. The guilt she feels that she can't be 'normal'. Our collective family curse. At least she told her AA sponsor to fuck off. Nope, this doesn't get fixed with prayer and giving it up to a higher power.
Gawd.
Michelle Obama is my personal guru. And a Saint for the people. Because she's beautiful and fierce and she tells the truth.
I was on retreat all last week on Samish Island. Beautiful windy place with a heron roosting site, bald eagles, seals and deer, all of which I saw. I slept 12 hours a day and then sat in the meditation hall nodding out. Really pathetic. I brought 'natural' M & Ms to munch while trying to read by flashlight.
I met people who have been to the Burmese temple where I'm going in January. My right knee is giving me fits so I'm going to see a sports medicine doc on my dime to see if I can get injections to help it out while I'm gone traipsing around a foreign country with a backpack. I have fear and trembling to go by myself. I was supposed to do this sort of adventuring when I was young but I was busy with babies.
My sister is in a secure treatment center while they try to figure out the right cocktail of drugs to get her stabilized so her depression lessens. I talked with her today and she sounds ok.... The family illness scurries around our brains. Being across the country is so frustrating. Helpless. The subtext to this post. The worry that she won't be able to right herself. The guilt she feels that she can't be 'normal'. Our collective family curse. At least she told her AA sponsor to fuck off. Nope, this doesn't get fixed with prayer and giving it up to a higher power.
Gawd.
Michelle Obama is my personal guru. And a Saint for the people. Because she's beautiful and fierce and she tells the truth.
Monday, October 03, 2016
My MIL apartment is done. No more contractors or painters. It's weird. Now it's just cleaning the house, doing laundry and cooking (too much food) for myself and my friends.
Yes, I watched the debate. Gawd.
I've been spending time hiking in the fall mountains, very beautiful. Last week I worked out to the edge of expiring and then hiked for 8+ miles. I couldn't really walk. I got good at moaning.
Yesterday I went to a Men in Dance performance and watched two men draw hopscotch squares on the sidewalk and then dance within the squares. They were obviously having a blast, throwing chalk and chalk dust at each other.
I've hired a lawyer to help me transition my business. What will I do with my time if I retire? I think I'll stay involved in clinic but I won't do births anymore. The thought of sleeping all night sounds so delicious. Although I have such a problem with insomnia now because of disrupted sleep forever. There is my book to write.
The Burma retreat is getting closer. I still haven't paid for airfare yet. Just paid property taxes, ouch.
Doing the math endlessly. Social security, rent from the MIL, payments from the sale of the business. Then there's Medicare supplemental and what if the car breaks or the roof leaks? Gha... How do people figure this out?
Yes, I watched the debate. Gawd.
I've been spending time hiking in the fall mountains, very beautiful. Last week I worked out to the edge of expiring and then hiked for 8+ miles. I couldn't really walk. I got good at moaning.
Yesterday I went to a Men in Dance performance and watched two men draw hopscotch squares on the sidewalk and then dance within the squares. They were obviously having a blast, throwing chalk and chalk dust at each other.
I've hired a lawyer to help me transition my business. What will I do with my time if I retire? I think I'll stay involved in clinic but I won't do births anymore. The thought of sleeping all night sounds so delicious. Although I have such a problem with insomnia now because of disrupted sleep forever. There is my book to write.
The Burma retreat is getting closer. I still haven't paid for airfare yet. Just paid property taxes, ouch.
Doing the math endlessly. Social security, rent from the MIL, payments from the sale of the business. Then there's Medicare supplemental and what if the car breaks or the roof leaks? Gha... How do people figure this out?
Saturday, September 17, 2016
Thursday, September 15, 2016
Tuesday, September 06, 2016
Saturday, August 27, 2016
Where I just was.
Say what you want but the NW is one fine and beautiful place. Yes it is. I slept for 12 hours straight in my tent under the stars.
Sunday, August 21, 2016
We had a birth recently that brought me to a new place of surrender and humility. My partner was 'catching' and I was assisting but hanging back to be the scribe while the students were taking heart tones and being ready for the baby.
With some difficulty the baby was born (big child!) and wasn't breathing; floppy and blue. After drying him, and encouraging the parents to talk to him, I stepped in with the bag and mask to inflate his lungs so his respiratory center would kick in and he'd begin to breathe. But he didn't. He started up a bit and then stopped. One student was listening and told me there was air going in. It's a mess, resuscitating a baby, equipment flying and palpable tension in the room. I could feel the sweat running down my face. At some point I asked for 911 to be called. I suctioned him a few times and bagged him some more. He was struggling to breathe, eyes open but unseeing.
And then I had an experience of timelessness or transcendence, I'm not sure. He and I had an unspoken dialog while I mentally reviewed a case of a baby who was stillborn a few years earlier. I told the baby it was ok to go or stay, with great love in my heart. I told him we would grieve for him if his time was brief but I was standing in the place to help him if he was going to come and live. I wasn't attached to the outcome, not afraid of the consequences if he died. I was merely a servant to his process, applying what I knew to do when there is respiratory distress. But there was no fight in me, only acceptance.
I have learned so many things in the years I have been a midwife; about relationships and parenting and love and struggle. I have technical skills that feel second nature to me now. And still. This baby brought me such a profound teaching. When he began to breathe and cry, we knew we weren't out of the woods, not yet. The aid car arrived and the nice men in the big black shoes took him away to the hospital where he was deemed fine to return to his home with his anxious parents.
When I visited them the next day, I held him on my lap and we had another silent talk. I welcomed him to his new life. I wished him well.
I called a close midwife friend and asked her why do we continue to do this work when it asks so much of us. This is what she said:
"Why we do this work: I recently helped a woman who started her pregnancy at 340 pounds. Her friends and family said there was no way she could have an out of hospital birth. They said she wasn't in good enough health and she didn't have the stamina to pull it off. She ate a wonderful diet, walked every day and completed her pregnancy at 304 pounds. She had a 4 hour labor, a 12 minute pushing phase and no postpartum hemorrhage. At 2 weeks postpartum she weighs 285 pounds, is nursing beautifully and couldn't be happier.
Another thought to ponder... those of us who went to the school of 'Have one, see one, do one.' We owe a debt to the goddess that walked beside us while we...in relative ignorance, but with strong passion decided to reclaim birth as the true initiatory process that it is. Can you remember the mixture of confidence and fear that we took to those very first totally hippie births? No running water, school buses, yurts, a little magic, and worn out copy of Hearts and Hands or Special Delivery as our only source of information. We were pioneers returning birth to the Sacred Circle of women. No way can I let go of that."
~KN
Amen, sister.
With some difficulty the baby was born (big child!) and wasn't breathing; floppy and blue. After drying him, and encouraging the parents to talk to him, I stepped in with the bag and mask to inflate his lungs so his respiratory center would kick in and he'd begin to breathe. But he didn't. He started up a bit and then stopped. One student was listening and told me there was air going in. It's a mess, resuscitating a baby, equipment flying and palpable tension in the room. I could feel the sweat running down my face. At some point I asked for 911 to be called. I suctioned him a few times and bagged him some more. He was struggling to breathe, eyes open but unseeing.
And then I had an experience of timelessness or transcendence, I'm not sure. He and I had an unspoken dialog while I mentally reviewed a case of a baby who was stillborn a few years earlier. I told the baby it was ok to go or stay, with great love in my heart. I told him we would grieve for him if his time was brief but I was standing in the place to help him if he was going to come and live. I wasn't attached to the outcome, not afraid of the consequences if he died. I was merely a servant to his process, applying what I knew to do when there is respiratory distress. But there was no fight in me, only acceptance.
I have learned so many things in the years I have been a midwife; about relationships and parenting and love and struggle. I have technical skills that feel second nature to me now. And still. This baby brought me such a profound teaching. When he began to breathe and cry, we knew we weren't out of the woods, not yet. The aid car arrived and the nice men in the big black shoes took him away to the hospital where he was deemed fine to return to his home with his anxious parents.
When I visited them the next day, I held him on my lap and we had another silent talk. I welcomed him to his new life. I wished him well.
I called a close midwife friend and asked her why do we continue to do this work when it asks so much of us. This is what she said:
"Why we do this work: I recently helped a woman who started her pregnancy at 340 pounds. Her friends and family said there was no way she could have an out of hospital birth. They said she wasn't in good enough health and she didn't have the stamina to pull it off. She ate a wonderful diet, walked every day and completed her pregnancy at 304 pounds. She had a 4 hour labor, a 12 minute pushing phase and no postpartum hemorrhage. At 2 weeks postpartum she weighs 285 pounds, is nursing beautifully and couldn't be happier.
Another thought to ponder... those of us who went to the school of 'Have one, see one, do one.' We owe a debt to the goddess that walked beside us while we...in relative ignorance, but with strong passion decided to reclaim birth as the true initiatory process that it is. Can you remember the mixture of confidence and fear that we took to those very first totally hippie births? No running water, school buses, yurts, a little magic, and worn out copy of Hearts and Hands or Special Delivery as our only source of information. We were pioneers returning birth to the Sacred Circle of women. No way can I let go of that."
~KN
Amen, sister.
Tuesday, August 16, 2016
I just ordered a dehydrator. For a plum explosion I just had in my house. My fridge is bursting.
There are new windows in my living room. The basement is nearing completion. As soon as the apartment is done, I'm renting that puppy. Money needs to flow in this direction, this way toward me instead of the outgoing tide. Y'know?
I despair of ever retiring. It will happen one day.
The heat was on in my living room this morning. Wha???? Fall approaches.
There are new windows in my living room. The basement is nearing completion. As soon as the apartment is done, I'm renting that puppy. Money needs to flow in this direction, this way toward me instead of the outgoing tide. Y'know?
I despair of ever retiring. It will happen one day.
The heat was on in my living room this morning. Wha???? Fall approaches.
Monday, August 08, 2016
Thursday, August 04, 2016
Dearies,
There are horrid Blue Angels in the sky, Felix is wearing a 'thunder shirt' for anxiety and some nice men are installing new windows in my house. One of them grew up here but his mama was from Georgia so he has a southern accent. It is music to my ears, the slower syllables and the easy rhythms-reminds me of grits and sweet tea and key lime pie. And the languid noontime activities, sitting on the screened in porch doing nothing.
My counter is covered with unripe pears from my neighbor across the street. He doesn't use them or eat them and he told me to help myself. Pear sauce for all!!
Made four packets of pesto this morning, the basil was starting to bolt so I picked it all and spent the morning picking leaves and blessing my cuisinart. I swear, after the dishwasher, the cuisinart is the best invention in the world. I do have some lust in m heart for a kitchenaid that does everything. A yellow one to match my kitchen.
I watched the conventions. Well, I couldn't stand to watch the RNC so I listened to bits on the radio. I did watch the DNC and boy, that Obama is one beautiful man. And he has a beautiful wife. As for the rest of the ongoing shit show, I have no words except disbelief. And sorrow.
I am making an extra effort to be kind and generous to all folks I encounter. My neighborhood had their annual 'Night Out' where we pull out the barbecue and bring potato salad and a store bought cheesecake and we hang out. My hood is everyone; Black, white, asian, hispanic. And we find out who lives down the street and which one of us has the black puppy and who has a fig tree in their back yard.
It's time to hit the lake for a swim. I'm lucky enough to be getting a massage and adjustment this afternoon. My body is getting old, I'll tell you what. And my work is tough on me sometimes. Keep moving is the trick, I think. As long as nothing hurts too much. The lake is vast and wonderful and I'll be able to see Mt Rainier while I swim. And maybe an eagle.
There are horrid Blue Angels in the sky, Felix is wearing a 'thunder shirt' for anxiety and some nice men are installing new windows in my house. One of them grew up here but his mama was from Georgia so he has a southern accent. It is music to my ears, the slower syllables and the easy rhythms-reminds me of grits and sweet tea and key lime pie. And the languid noontime activities, sitting on the screened in porch doing nothing.
My counter is covered with unripe pears from my neighbor across the street. He doesn't use them or eat them and he told me to help myself. Pear sauce for all!!
Made four packets of pesto this morning, the basil was starting to bolt so I picked it all and spent the morning picking leaves and blessing my cuisinart. I swear, after the dishwasher, the cuisinart is the best invention in the world. I do have some lust in m heart for a kitchenaid that does everything. A yellow one to match my kitchen.
I watched the conventions. Well, I couldn't stand to watch the RNC so I listened to bits on the radio. I did watch the DNC and boy, that Obama is one beautiful man. And he has a beautiful wife. As for the rest of the ongoing shit show, I have no words except disbelief. And sorrow.
I am making an extra effort to be kind and generous to all folks I encounter. My neighborhood had their annual 'Night Out' where we pull out the barbecue and bring potato salad and a store bought cheesecake and we hang out. My hood is everyone; Black, white, asian, hispanic. And we find out who lives down the street and which one of us has the black puppy and who has a fig tree in their back yard.
It's time to hit the lake for a swim. I'm lucky enough to be getting a massage and adjustment this afternoon. My body is getting old, I'll tell you what. And my work is tough on me sometimes. Keep moving is the trick, I think. As long as nothing hurts too much. The lake is vast and wonderful and I'll be able to see Mt Rainier while I swim. And maybe an eagle.
Thursday, July 14, 2016
Monday, July 11, 2016
While women were moving all of my ex's stuff out of my house (no, we never lived together, don't ask), I went for a very long hike to Annette Lake in the Cascades. Poor trail, overused by too many hikers, deep ruts and exposed roots. But beautiful. Many dogs.
Judith and I got caught up. We've known each other for 30 years. Sheesh.
Felix alternated between barking at ***anything*** and running back and forth to greet random hikers and their hiker dogs. Much mud on the trail so he came back bi-colored-white on top, black underneath.
Then read the horrible news in the NYT which I'd somehow managed to avoid during the week. I fear for us all. How to care for my tiny bit of the planet. How to hold the sadness and the despair.
http://www.nytimes.com/2016/07/10/opinion/sunday/what-white-america-fails-to-see.html?_r=0
Worked a 12 hour clinic day and now two women are in labor. I'm trashed from yesterday so I'm going to sleep and wait for a call.
Between the guns and the violence and the hatred and the presidential "campaign", I have nothing coherent to say. I bring in the babies. I try to be kind to their parents. I witness so much love and adoration in my job, I am humbled.
Life, somehow, goes on.
Judith and I got caught up. We've known each other for 30 years. Sheesh.
Felix alternated between barking at ***anything*** and running back and forth to greet random hikers and their hiker dogs. Much mud on the trail so he came back bi-colored-white on top, black underneath.
Then read the horrible news in the NYT which I'd somehow managed to avoid during the week. I fear for us all. How to care for my tiny bit of the planet. How to hold the sadness and the despair.
http://www.nytimes.com/2016/07/10/opinion/sunday/what-white-america-fails-to-see.html?_r=0
Worked a 12 hour clinic day and now two women are in labor. I'm trashed from yesterday so I'm going to sleep and wait for a call.
Between the guns and the violence and the hatred and the presidential "campaign", I have nothing coherent to say. I bring in the babies. I try to be kind to their parents. I witness so much love and adoration in my job, I am humbled.
Life, somehow, goes on.
Monday, July 04, 2016
Independence Day. Today the dawg and I went to town for breakfast and a romp on the beach where he got covered with sand. He was sand colored, no really. So back at the ranch, we had a shower together. Mournful dog, standing under the shower head, feeling so beleaguered and plagued by warm water and shampoo.
But.
In town I went to find a calendar and a Quan Yin for Jude's sweet home. There was a crystal/incense/chime-y store (you know the type) with the most enormous brown poodle lying around in the Edgar Cayce section. I thought he was a dog Buddha. The store owner encouraged me to bring Felix in to meet him. So, foolishly, I did. They barked, growled and sniffed each other. Felix spent some time baring his teeth at monster poodle who was being, well, saintly. So Felix pooped ON THE FLOOR of the store. Gawd. I took my calendar and Quan Yin and got outa there.
It was recommended that I go to a certain cafe for breakfast at the end of town on the pier. When I got there, there was a line and being a single gal, I thought, I'll be ignored so I turned to leave. Sitting by the counter was Peggy, my midwife buddy from forever ago. So I sat down in front of her and when she stopped yipping, she invited me to order and to meet to her new guy (who put away a prodigious amount of food, whoa) and we proceeded to tell birth stories and such. At the end, I scored a bite of steak for the dawg and two pieces of carrot cake from the back of Peggy's car. And here I was, thinking that this town is sure cute and quaint and a retirement possibility. However, it's mighty white, as in no POC, not any that I saw today.
It's early, overcast and I'm in Jude's pink bathrobe with clean hair, listening to music and looking out at the forest. On the way back to here, there was a deer by the road munching away. Common enough occurrence around here, I'm sure, but a sign that Rebecca's animal gods are watching over us fractured humans.
But.
In town I went to find a calendar and a Quan Yin for Jude's sweet home. There was a crystal/incense/chime-y store (you know the type) with the most enormous brown poodle lying around in the Edgar Cayce section. I thought he was a dog Buddha. The store owner encouraged me to bring Felix in to meet him. So, foolishly, I did. They barked, growled and sniffed each other. Felix spent some time baring his teeth at monster poodle who was being, well, saintly. So Felix pooped ON THE FLOOR of the store. Gawd. I took my calendar and Quan Yin and got outa there.
It was recommended that I go to a certain cafe for breakfast at the end of town on the pier. When I got there, there was a line and being a single gal, I thought, I'll be ignored so I turned to leave. Sitting by the counter was Peggy, my midwife buddy from forever ago. So I sat down in front of her and when she stopped yipping, she invited me to order and to meet to her new guy (who put away a prodigious amount of food, whoa) and we proceeded to tell birth stories and such. At the end, I scored a bite of steak for the dawg and two pieces of carrot cake from the back of Peggy's car. And here I was, thinking that this town is sure cute and quaint and a retirement possibility. However, it's mighty white, as in no POC, not any that I saw today.
It's early, overcast and I'm in Jude's pink bathrobe with clean hair, listening to music and looking out at the forest. On the way back to here, there was a deer by the road munching away. Common enough occurrence around here, I'm sure, but a sign that Rebecca's animal gods are watching over us fractured humans.
Sunday, July 03, 2016
Dears-
Thanks to my sweet Jude, I'm in a snug apartment in the woods by Port Townsend far away from the inevitable fireworks. The dog is panting and watching me, after we romped on a horse trail behind the cabin. There's no TV and the noise is mostly birds and wind in the trees. The owners live in the house across the way. They've got two big gentle dogs that Felix ran with.
We did have to wait for the ferry, a fact of life here in the NW. It was pretty pleasant with the NYT to read and treats to snack on.
Tomorrow I think we'll venture into town for breakfast and a long walk on North Beach, on the Strait of Juan De Fuca where there is an off-leash dog part. Felix will run his heart out and get full of sand. And tomorrow night, we'll see how noisy it actually is out here.
I'm full of gratitude to be here, away from the mad city. And work. And constant demands because of work. Time to continue to mend my heart. And meditate. Read and write.
Thinking about the kitty R adopted. Lucky critter because R has great compassion for the wounded and lost. This temporary life! As inexplicable as my actions regarding Houston are to her, I'm sure, it was an act of mercy for both of us. No harm if we are not together. I'm not interested in airing the particulars here. It's not an 'I'm right, she's wrong' situation. It's my pursuit of a peaceful and harmonious life that is most important now. At this age. I think I can have that. For the time remaining to me. Twenty years? Twenty months? Twenty minutes?
Now the trees are swaying and whispering outside the windows. Blessed forests, living and dying all together. O to be alive right now. Lucky, I'm very lucky.
Thanks to my sweet Jude, I'm in a snug apartment in the woods by Port Townsend far away from the inevitable fireworks. The dog is panting and watching me, after we romped on a horse trail behind the cabin. There's no TV and the noise is mostly birds and wind in the trees. The owners live in the house across the way. They've got two big gentle dogs that Felix ran with.
We did have to wait for the ferry, a fact of life here in the NW. It was pretty pleasant with the NYT to read and treats to snack on.
Tomorrow I think we'll venture into town for breakfast and a long walk on North Beach, on the Strait of Juan De Fuca where there is an off-leash dog part. Felix will run his heart out and get full of sand. And tomorrow night, we'll see how noisy it actually is out here.
I'm full of gratitude to be here, away from the mad city. And work. And constant demands because of work. Time to continue to mend my heart. And meditate. Read and write.
Thinking about the kitty R adopted. Lucky critter because R has great compassion for the wounded and lost. This temporary life! As inexplicable as my actions regarding Houston are to her, I'm sure, it was an act of mercy for both of us. No harm if we are not together. I'm not interested in airing the particulars here. It's not an 'I'm right, she's wrong' situation. It's my pursuit of a peaceful and harmonious life that is most important now. At this age. I think I can have that. For the time remaining to me. Twenty years? Twenty months? Twenty minutes?
Now the trees are swaying and whispering outside the windows. Blessed forests, living and dying all together. O to be alive right now. Lucky, I'm very lucky.
Saturday, July 02, 2016
Yesterday I made an entire blueberry pie for a friend and she took one piece home because we planned to eat pie after dinner but the restaurant where we ate gave us free dessert. All because one of the waitstaff was a mom we delivered. And she had to give us free dessert. Anyhoo.
So I'm stuck with an enormous almost whole pie. So just now because Kenny mowed my parking strip, he got a piece. And my next door neighbors Carol and Richard got two pieces. Carol asked me why and I told her because I love her. She admitted that as soon as I was gone from her yard, she would be eating both pieces because, after all, what Richard doesn't know won't hurt him.
I've had a piece for lunch and so there is much less pie. Holly and I are hiking tomorrow and I'm sure she'd like a piece.
So there you have it. Pie all around. If Cliff were home across the street, he'd get some. Well, too bad for him.
I visited the latest baby this morning-Marcus Langston Rivers. Now that's a name to be borne high and well. Right now he's a wee boy so he'll have to grow into his honorable name. His mother is, frankly, a queen. And I told her so.
So I'm stuck with an enormous almost whole pie. So just now because Kenny mowed my parking strip, he got a piece. And my next door neighbors Carol and Richard got two pieces. Carol asked me why and I told her because I love her. She admitted that as soon as I was gone from her yard, she would be eating both pieces because, after all, what Richard doesn't know won't hurt him.
I've had a piece for lunch and so there is much less pie. Holly and I are hiking tomorrow and I'm sure she'd like a piece.
So there you have it. Pie all around. If Cliff were home across the street, he'd get some. Well, too bad for him.
I visited the latest baby this morning-Marcus Langston Rivers. Now that's a name to be borne high and well. Right now he's a wee boy so he'll have to grow into his honorable name. His mother is, frankly, a queen. And I told her so.
Sunday, June 26, 2016
Dear ones-It's Pride Sunday in Seattle and the sky is a clear blue.
I'm not going to the parade. I'm going dancing with a few friends and then I think I'll take the dog somewhere for a walk.
I'm not getting married. I am, once again, a single person. I'm very sad about this but it was my decision to end it. As the months have gone by, it was clear that we couldn't communicate easily. There was too much drama. I began to be anxious and fearful and those feelings grew and grew. Yuck. I really tried. I feel so much relief and so much sorrow.
I would like to be partnered. I have learned that after this experience. I was fine before I met H and I will be again. I'm very grateful that she didn't move in, that we didn't marry. I'm free to think my own thoughts and have my own opinions without someone else criticizing or judging. Her need to control was greater than her fervent desire to be open hearted and vulnerable. Being with her brought up old family patterns that are no longer useful. Like stepping out of a dark prison into the light.
Yesterday a friend and I went for a gorgeous hike that took us far away from Seattle. The mountains is where I pray. And heal.
I'm not going to the parade. I'm going dancing with a few friends and then I think I'll take the dog somewhere for a walk.
I'm not getting married. I am, once again, a single person. I'm very sad about this but it was my decision to end it. As the months have gone by, it was clear that we couldn't communicate easily. There was too much drama. I began to be anxious and fearful and those feelings grew and grew. Yuck. I really tried. I feel so much relief and so much sorrow.
I would like to be partnered. I have learned that after this experience. I was fine before I met H and I will be again. I'm very grateful that she didn't move in, that we didn't marry. I'm free to think my own thoughts and have my own opinions without someone else criticizing or judging. Her need to control was greater than her fervent desire to be open hearted and vulnerable. Being with her brought up old family patterns that are no longer useful. Like stepping out of a dark prison into the light.
Yesterday a friend and I went for a gorgeous hike that took us far away from Seattle. The mountains is where I pray. And heal.
Tuesday, June 21, 2016
Angelic Mount Rainier
On Sunday, Holly and I hiked Rampart Ridge in the park and O it was glorious.
This sky is for all our darlings who died in Orlando. This is what we believe.
This sky is for all our darlings who died in Orlando. This is what we believe.
Saturday, June 18, 2016
Monday, June 13, 2016
Home from a candlelight vigil for those who have died and those injured in Orlando.
When I came out, the gay bar was the one place where we could go and feel safe, free, loved, ourselves, our true selves.
This morning I heard the news on the radio and what I saw was a Florida bar filled with beautiful men and women, dancing and flirting. Beautiful men with their shirts off. Women with tattoos and cowboy boots. Dancing with their sweethearts. Dancing because it's what you do on Saturday night/Sunday morning during Pride month. The sheer animal joy of moving to the music.
And then a man with an assault rifle took it all away. Killed and maimed over a 100 people. All that beauty gone. My gay brothers and sisters. Men and women who came out to their families ( or haven't come out to their families) with fear and worry. And some families embrace their gay children. Some don't. Maybe they were out at their jobs, maybe they hid who they were.
But the bar, the dance floor where they could move and express and feel such joy to be alive as they really are. To have that violated.
I spent the day with my loved ones, my queer friends, my girlfriend. I needed to be with my people. We are hated. We are feared. And sometimes we are killed in horrific ways. Like today.
When I came out, the gay bar was the one place where we could go and feel safe, free, loved, ourselves, our true selves.
This morning I heard the news on the radio and what I saw was a Florida bar filled with beautiful men and women, dancing and flirting. Beautiful men with their shirts off. Women with tattoos and cowboy boots. Dancing with their sweethearts. Dancing because it's what you do on Saturday night/Sunday morning during Pride month. The sheer animal joy of moving to the music.
And then a man with an assault rifle took it all away. Killed and maimed over a 100 people. All that beauty gone. My gay brothers and sisters. Men and women who came out to their families ( or haven't come out to their families) with fear and worry. And some families embrace their gay children. Some don't. Maybe they were out at their jobs, maybe they hid who they were.
But the bar, the dance floor where they could move and express and feel such joy to be alive as they really are. To have that violated.
I spent the day with my loved ones, my queer friends, my girlfriend. I needed to be with my people. We are hated. We are feared. And sometimes we are killed in horrific ways. Like today.
Monday, May 30, 2016
Apple pie in the oven, salad from the garden (!) and halibut wrapped in foil for the barbecue. Waiting for the company to get here. I am on a mission to make good crust. There are recipes for crust with egg in them, WTF. I didn't do that. Flour, butter, ice cold water and my granite countertop, yeah. Butter crust smells mighty good.
The back porch is hot, very hot.
Gotta get the MIL finished. My contractor is off on another job so naturally I'm anxious about him returning and finishing before August 1st. Plus I can't go down there without hazmat and a mask. Sheesh.
Sarah Vaughan has an astounding voice, yes she does. Jesus, her phrasing. I put the ole I-tunes on genius so I'm listening to stuff I don't usually cue up. DAMN. She can hold a note and then drop you off a cliff.
The 'o' on my keyboard is stiff. There's probably crumbs, dust, a very small mouse underneath it.
Lettuce is starting to bolt, as are the collards. We had a good run, the collards and I. Time to plant more.
Anxiety my old friend. Working with 'difficulty as teacher'. Bla.
Hi sister in Florida. See you in September!!! Looking forward to it.
The back porch is hot, very hot.
Gotta get the MIL finished. My contractor is off on another job so naturally I'm anxious about him returning and finishing before August 1st. Plus I can't go down there without hazmat and a mask. Sheesh.
Sarah Vaughan has an astounding voice, yes she does. Jesus, her phrasing. I put the ole I-tunes on genius so I'm listening to stuff I don't usually cue up. DAMN. She can hold a note and then drop you off a cliff.
The 'o' on my keyboard is stiff. There's probably crumbs, dust, a very small mouse underneath it.
Lettuce is starting to bolt, as are the collards. We had a good run, the collards and I. Time to plant more.
Anxiety my old friend. Working with 'difficulty as teacher'. Bla.
Hi sister in Florida. See you in September!!! Looking forward to it.
Thursday, May 26, 2016
Still in bed, feeling slightly guilty about it. Finally out of the woods financially, I think. I wrote a whole bit about the problem and just deleted it all. Can't talk about the details. It's been nip and tuck, I can tell you that. (my mother's expression)
Today I head to the basement to clear out the mess and do a dump run (fun!) Rick is doing a great job down there but damn, what a messy guy. My other contractors have been quite tidy, cleaning as they go but Rick, sheesh. Anyway, he's at another job so I can get down there and do some work.
We've had a major bunch of babies recently, running from one birth to another. I had the pleasure of seeing two babies for their final six week visits. I caught them and their older siblings. Very special.
It's gray and overcast here, a typical NW day.
After 47 years, my sister and I are good friends. That is, I believe, a miracle.
Today I head to the basement to clear out the mess and do a dump run (fun!) Rick is doing a great job down there but damn, what a messy guy. My other contractors have been quite tidy, cleaning as they go but Rick, sheesh. Anyway, he's at another job so I can get down there and do some work.
We've had a major bunch of babies recently, running from one birth to another. I had the pleasure of seeing two babies for their final six week visits. I caught them and their older siblings. Very special.
It's gray and overcast here, a typical NW day.
After 47 years, my sister and I are good friends. That is, I believe, a miracle.
Tuesday, May 17, 2016
A day in the life:
Got to clinic to start the day. One midwife was already at a home birth with the student so I'm alone. Charts haven't been pulled. That's ok, I can figure that out. The laundry is upstairs unfolded but I'll get to that when I have a moment. I check messages to see if anyone has cancelled or needs to reschedule or wants to make a new appointment. Nope, all quiet.
My schedule opens up because the gal in labor had an appointment. My receptionist arrives and and listens to messages that came in while I was with clients. A dad has called to report that his wife is in labor and left the message on VM. Gawd. That was an hour before. I call him and he tells me she's very uncomfortable and is trying to poop but she can't (!!!!!!!!!!). I tell them to get to the clinic ASAP and I run around preparing a room, calling the third midwife to come in and seeing if the student can come from the other birth. I drag my equipment and scrubs into the clinic. And wait. And wait. We're standing by the window waiting for the family to arrive. Finally they do. She's not pushing, has plenty of time to go before the baby arrives. I go back to my clinic visits after the other midwife arrives.
I hear Lynn calling our receptionist from upstairs. Sounds urgent. Soon I hear an ambulance coming for the mom. The baby's heart tones are very low and they need to get her to the hospital NOW. Off they go, sirens wailing. Crash c/sec with a crying baby. Whew. The dad never even got into the building because he was parking the car while she was rushed into surgery.
Sheesh. After all that, we reassure ourselves that all is well. The dad should have called the answering service, thank god Justine listened to messages as soon as she got to clinic and I insisted that she come to the clinic immediately because she sounded like she was in active labor (or getting ready to push)....Gawd.
What a crazy job. What a crazy life.
Got to clinic to start the day. One midwife was already at a home birth with the student so I'm alone. Charts haven't been pulled. That's ok, I can figure that out. The laundry is upstairs unfolded but I'll get to that when I have a moment. I check messages to see if anyone has cancelled or needs to reschedule or wants to make a new appointment. Nope, all quiet.
My schedule opens up because the gal in labor had an appointment. My receptionist arrives and and listens to messages that came in while I was with clients. A dad has called to report that his wife is in labor and left the message on VM. Gawd. That was an hour before. I call him and he tells me she's very uncomfortable and is trying to poop but she can't (!!!!!!!!!!). I tell them to get to the clinic ASAP and I run around preparing a room, calling the third midwife to come in and seeing if the student can come from the other birth. I drag my equipment and scrubs into the clinic. And wait. And wait. We're standing by the window waiting for the family to arrive. Finally they do. She's not pushing, has plenty of time to go before the baby arrives. I go back to my clinic visits after the other midwife arrives.
I hear Lynn calling our receptionist from upstairs. Sounds urgent. Soon I hear an ambulance coming for the mom. The baby's heart tones are very low and they need to get her to the hospital NOW. Off they go, sirens wailing. Crash c/sec with a crying baby. Whew. The dad never even got into the building because he was parking the car while she was rushed into surgery.
Sheesh. After all that, we reassure ourselves that all is well. The dad should have called the answering service, thank god Justine listened to messages as soon as she got to clinic and I insisted that she come to the clinic immediately because she sounded like she was in active labor (or getting ready to push)....Gawd.
What a crazy job. What a crazy life.
Saturday, May 07, 2016
Here in cloudy San Francisco with Maya and Milo for Mother's Day. We're getting the greatest response on our Facebook page from old clients with pictures of their little ones here .
Today we're gonna head for the beach even though Milo has a mountain of homework. Negotiations are currently underway.
I've received my current dosage of Dansko shoes from Maya. I deliberately left space in my luggage to bring them all back to Seattle. I wonder if there are Dansko sniffing dogs at the airport.
Breakfast is ready and I didn't cook it!!!
Today we're gonna head for the beach even though Milo has a mountain of homework. Negotiations are currently underway.
I've received my current dosage of Dansko shoes from Maya. I deliberately left space in my luggage to bring them all back to Seattle. I wonder if there are Dansko sniffing dogs at the airport.
Breakfast is ready and I didn't cook it!!!
Saturday, April 30, 2016
Dear ones,
We're in glorious Vancouver BC for the marathon. I'm only running/walking the 8 K because the 1/2 marathon is, frankly, a bit too much. So I downgraded today. As long as I don't come in last, I'll be happy.
I have arthritis in my right knee, y'all. I saw the sports medicine guy at my clinic and that's the news. So I don't need dire surgery and recovery etc. The pain will come and go...ice, heat, aspirin. Somehow, I'm comforted knowing what it is. No more squats. Running not the wisest exercise. But I can do lots of other stuff.
Vancouver is a gorgeous city, ringed by mountains and water. There is a lot of $$ here, lots of wealthy young people in fancy cars and expensive clothes. Probably $$ from mom and dad. It's an interesting phenomenon, a second gilded age. There is always going to be greed, hatred and delusion in the human community. There is also going to be generosity, kindness and compassion. We make choices every day to be kind; to notice our world in all it's diversity and sorrow and splendor.
My home sits on the Duwomish greenbelt and during sangha we acknowledge the debt we owe to a people who no longer have a land base. The trees I see from my back yard are newer trees. Of course the old growth trees are all gone. These trees are descended from the old giants. There are several streams that run through my little area too. My neighbor saw a coyote, a pair of hawks are nesting right below me and there are chickens that are backyard fugitives, wild chickens. Ivy has wrapped itself around many trees but the city and neighborhood school kids are helping to reclaim the woods, planting native plants and removing blackberry and ivy.
Eating from the garden now and it is such pleasure. To plant seeds in the earth that come up and become leaves and flowers and fruit. Next time I'd like to be a gardener. Gardeners just facilitate what is in constant motion, the life and death cycles of what lives all around us. Like midwives for plants. That's what I'd like to do next. Just remind me to wear gloves. I'm always forgetting.
We're in glorious Vancouver BC for the marathon. I'm only running/walking the 8 K because the 1/2 marathon is, frankly, a bit too much. So I downgraded today. As long as I don't come in last, I'll be happy.
I have arthritis in my right knee, y'all. I saw the sports medicine guy at my clinic and that's the news. So I don't need dire surgery and recovery etc. The pain will come and go...ice, heat, aspirin. Somehow, I'm comforted knowing what it is. No more squats. Running not the wisest exercise. But I can do lots of other stuff.
Vancouver is a gorgeous city, ringed by mountains and water. There is a lot of $$ here, lots of wealthy young people in fancy cars and expensive clothes. Probably $$ from mom and dad. It's an interesting phenomenon, a second gilded age. There is always going to be greed, hatred and delusion in the human community. There is also going to be generosity, kindness and compassion. We make choices every day to be kind; to notice our world in all it's diversity and sorrow and splendor.
My home sits on the Duwomish greenbelt and during sangha we acknowledge the debt we owe to a people who no longer have a land base. The trees I see from my back yard are newer trees. Of course the old growth trees are all gone. These trees are descended from the old giants. There are several streams that run through my little area too. My neighbor saw a coyote, a pair of hawks are nesting right below me and there are chickens that are backyard fugitives, wild chickens. Ivy has wrapped itself around many trees but the city and neighborhood school kids are helping to reclaim the woods, planting native plants and removing blackberry and ivy.
Eating from the garden now and it is such pleasure. To plant seeds in the earth that come up and become leaves and flowers and fruit. Next time I'd like to be a gardener. Gardeners just facilitate what is in constant motion, the life and death cycles of what lives all around us. Like midwives for plants. That's what I'd like to do next. Just remind me to wear gloves. I'm always forgetting.
Thursday, April 21, 2016
Up after an all-nighter. I want to eat a hotdog. I won't because I don't eat hotdogs but I smell mustard and when I've been at a birth all night I have weird food cravings.
Baby Evie was a whopper at 9# 5oz. A lovely pink and chubby baby.
I've slept for about 4 hours so I'm up and pondering the day.
Baby Evie was a whopper at 9# 5oz. A lovely pink and chubby baby.
I've slept for about 4 hours so I'm up and pondering the day.
NO OH NO.
Tuesday, April 19, 2016
I told betsy about this but I felt I should share it here.
There are bunnies in my neighborhood. After Easter, when everyone is tired of the bunny they got from Grandma, the bunnies are released to the GREAT OUTDOORS where they will presumably thrive and eat grass and newly planted vegetable starts.
I came home one night and a bunny was hopping about in my front yard. Then I saw a black and white bunny across the street. And finally, Felix and I often go into the alley to run and chase balls (well felix does anyway) and we found a smashed bunny.
We have been visiting the flattened bunny frequently and I can report that over time, decomposition happens. At first the flat bunny was recognizable as a rabbit but after a few days there was more fur and less, um, insides. Felix is mildly interested in all the unraveling activity but because the bunny is essentially inert, he moves on to balls and other dogs who are barking at him from their yards.
And that, dear friends, is how it goes. We get run over and over time, we turn back into dirt. I expect we will continue to visit the flat bunny until there is nothing left except a bit of fur. O, the wonders of the microbiome!
Another unseasonably warm day in the NW. Creepy to have 80+ degrees in April. The apple trees are confused.
There are bunnies in my neighborhood. After Easter, when everyone is tired of the bunny they got from Grandma, the bunnies are released to the GREAT OUTDOORS where they will presumably thrive and eat grass and newly planted vegetable starts.
I came home one night and a bunny was hopping about in my front yard. Then I saw a black and white bunny across the street. And finally, Felix and I often go into the alley to run and chase balls (well felix does anyway) and we found a smashed bunny.
We have been visiting the flattened bunny frequently and I can report that over time, decomposition happens. At first the flat bunny was recognizable as a rabbit but after a few days there was more fur and less, um, insides. Felix is mildly interested in all the unraveling activity but because the bunny is essentially inert, he moves on to balls and other dogs who are barking at him from their yards.
And that, dear friends, is how it goes. We get run over and over time, we turn back into dirt. I expect we will continue to visit the flat bunny until there is nothing left except a bit of fur. O, the wonders of the microbiome!
Another unseasonably warm day in the NW. Creepy to have 80+ degrees in April. The apple trees are confused.
Friday, April 15, 2016
Just registered for a three week retreat in Burma next January. Hour long sits, beginning at 3:30 in the morning, two meals a day, no food after 12 noon, sitting and walking 10 hours a day.
What have I done???
First class airfare to Myanmar is $11,000+ round trip. Steerage is about $1,400. Uh, no contest. I'll just endure the billions of hours in the air, doubled over my tray table, pretending to sleep.
I owe two friends money. I borrowed from them last month in order to make payroll. Very scary. I've never had to borrow money before, not for my business. And I was ashamed that I had to ask for help. But they both offered, so willingly.
Now I feel like I have no business going half way around the world to sit in a monastery for three weeks. But I've gone and done it. As long as I keep up my end and pay my friends off in 2 years..hoping to be done in a year.
In other news, I'm cooking in my kitchen and I want to think I'll never take kitchens for granted again. Acres of countertops. Little drawers of silverware and knives. ****a dishwasher****
What have I done???
First class airfare to Myanmar is $11,000+ round trip. Steerage is about $1,400. Uh, no contest. I'll just endure the billions of hours in the air, doubled over my tray table, pretending to sleep.
I owe two friends money. I borrowed from them last month in order to make payroll. Very scary. I've never had to borrow money before, not for my business. And I was ashamed that I had to ask for help. But they both offered, so willingly.
Now I feel like I have no business going half way around the world to sit in a monastery for three weeks. But I've gone and done it. As long as I keep up my end and pay my friends off in 2 years..hoping to be done in a year.
In other news, I'm cooking in my kitchen and I want to think I'll never take kitchens for granted again. Acres of countertops. Little drawers of silverware and knives. ****a dishwasher****
Tuesday, April 12, 2016
Honeys
We had three baby girls in the last three days. Lovely sweet births with lovely sweet families. And spring is on here in the NW. I picked lilacs and hyacinths in my alley across from my house and they are fragrance from my childhood-------------- Grandma Leiber used to baby sit us kids and she'd bring a huge bunch of lilacs to my mother, wrapped in tin foil.
She called our hands 'patties'. We were to wash our patties before dinner.
I'm so tired but it's good, a good tired.
We had three baby girls in the last three days. Lovely sweet births with lovely sweet families. And spring is on here in the NW. I picked lilacs and hyacinths in my alley across from my house and they are fragrance from my childhood-------------- Grandma Leiber used to baby sit us kids and she'd bring a huge bunch of lilacs to my mother, wrapped in tin foil.
She called our hands 'patties'. We were to wash our patties before dinner.
I'm so tired but it's good, a good tired.
Thursday, April 07, 2016
Tonight we went to the cinema and watched 'Live From the Met'-Madame Butterfly and it was gorgeous and heartbreaking and during the intermissions some opera lady interviewed the principal singers and the noh dancers who moved puppets around magically. There was one singer who is singing all the Queen roles-Ann Boleyn, Elizabeth and Mary, Queen of Scots and she was interviewed too. She had, um, really bad hair and Houston and I laughed so hard we were snorting and crying and misbehaving so that Kristi kept scolding us.
Her hair was trying to leave her head.
I'm waiting on a baby. Story of my life.
I planted beets and fennel today. I can't tell you how much I love growing veggies right next to my house. When they get big enough, I can go out and pick dinner.
Her hair was trying to leave her head.
I'm waiting on a baby. Story of my life.
I planted beets and fennel today. I can't tell you how much I love growing veggies right next to my house. When they get big enough, I can go out and pick dinner.
Saturday, April 02, 2016
I ran/walked across the 520 bridge, the longest floating bridge in the world. Honest. The Guinness Book of World Records was in town.
There must have been 30,000 people attending, including babies in strollers.
I got a tee-shirt. I came in before my friends who are 20+ years younger than I am.
I am still a badass even though I 'm pretty sure I have arthritis in my knee and in my right toe joint.
My kitchen is done and I have actually cleaned my house, except for my office. Save the best for last, as they say. I made banana bread last night. In my new kitchen . It was miraculous.
Plus most of my flowering trees and plants are, um, flowering. Also miraculous.
There must have been 30,000 people attending, including babies in strollers.
I got a tee-shirt. I came in before my friends who are 20+ years younger than I am.
I am still a badass even though I 'm pretty sure I have arthritis in my knee and in my right toe joint.
My kitchen is done and I have actually cleaned my house, except for my office. Save the best for last, as they say. I made banana bread last night. In my new kitchen . It was miraculous.
Plus most of my flowering trees and plants are, um, flowering. Also miraculous.
Friday, April 01, 2016
Once in a great while, I read a poem I wish I had written.
Like this:
THE BULL
He stood alone in my backyard, so dark
the night purpled around him.
I had no choice. I opened the door
& stepped out. Wind
in the branches. He watched me —
his eyes kerosene blue.
What do you want, I asked, forgetting I had
no language. He kept breathing,
to stay alive. But I was a boy
then. Which meant I was a murderer
of my childhood. & like all murderers, my god
was stillness. My god, he was still
there. He looked like something prayed for
by a priest with no mouth. The green-blue lamp
swirled in its socket. I didn’t
want him. I didn’t want him
to be beautiful — but needed beauty
to be more than hurt gentle
enough to hold. So I
reached for him. I reached — not the bull
but the depth. Not an answer but
an entrance the shape of
an animal. Like me.
the night purpled around him.
I had no choice. I opened the door
& stepped out. Wind
in the branches. He watched me —
his eyes kerosene blue.
What do you want, I asked, forgetting I had
no language. He kept breathing,
to stay alive. But I was a boy
then. Which meant I was a murderer
of my childhood. & like all murderers, my god
was stillness. My god, he was still
there. He looked like something prayed for
by a priest with no mouth. The green-blue lamp
swirled in its socket. I didn’t
want him. I didn’t want him
to be beautiful — but needed beauty
to be more than hurt gentle
enough to hold. So I
reached for him. I reached — not the bull
but the depth. Not an answer but
an entrance the shape of
an animal. Like me.
— OCEAN VUONG
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