Saturday, November 09, 2019



Attended a climate justice workshop this morning where we were encouraged to grieve the loss of so many things. Mine were the polar bears...wept through the morning with a bunch of strangers. A lot of parents fearful for their children. Felt so tired now so watching these young women in Nepal was enough to bring some comfort in. We do what we can...

Truly dark by 5 PM now. 

Thursday, November 07, 2019

Well, waiting for the chimney sweep. My living room still smells like smoke after my one fire in the fireplace this fall. And they give me a 'range' when the person will show up. **sigh**

Maya and I are beginning to plan for my 70th birthday. How? Did? I? Get? Here? Time passes and one day you're getting your hair cut and noticing the jowls exactly like your mother you have hanging off your face.

We are looking at the Oregon coast so most can drive here. After the (never ending) fires in California, I am wanting most guests to be able to drive. My sister lives to hell and gone on the East Coast and Katrina lives in upstate NY so there's no hope for it but they both want to come. We're looking at way big houses near/on the beach with a hot tub and a game room for the teenagers and enough beds for most everyone. All my co-dependent tendencies are coming out with worrying about who will have to stay nearby and who can bunk together and on and on. And trusting that my brother won't say anything awkward to my trans friend. And who is vegan or vegetarian or paleo or wheat/gluten/nut etc sensitive.

My sister and Katrina will fly into Seattle and we'll drive down in my very small car...I'm getting ahead of myself.

My dear daughter is SO levelheaded. And diplomatic. Where the hell does she get it? Certainly not from me. I just can't seem to handle these family sort of things. I worry about everything. But lordy, these are people who want to celebrate with me and they are all wonderful even if they don't know each other.

I am hoping we can do a 'bad poetry' night. I'll encourage everyone to bring bad poetry-either Rod McKuen or Jewel or their own high school or college attempts. Self consciousness is an important ingredient, of course. I have a few books called Bad Poetry or Very Bad Poetry and one poem is called "The Queen of Cheese". It's,  um, very special.

Ok, so now i can officially call the chimney sweep place to find out if they're even coming.

Monday, October 28, 2019

The apocalypse

Maya in San Rafael texted that they're in the dark. She's got cat carriers, water, flashlights, extra clothes, food and a  small generator in her car. School is closed. She can't go to work because the doors are opened by a combination lock. They can light their stove but all the gas pumps are dark.

Eden in LA is ok. Haven't heard from my brother.

And here in the NW it looks like this:

Got nothing to say about  current events. Oil has contributed to global warming which causes the droughts and crazy weather patterns and hence fires and destruction. 


This child spoke truth to power.

My friend Micha figured out how much fossil fuel it took to fly her to Greece and back. She was appalled. She wants to make art that doesn't include electronics because of components made with harmful chemicals and minerals. I suggested rocks and fallen trees and leaves. Stonehenge has lasted for a while and doesn't pollute, as far as I know. 

California is burning and al Baghdadi is dead

My daughter empties her fridge
no power in San Rafael
no school tomorrow
no work because the door combination is hard wired
gas pumps are dark

she has a plan
two cat carriers
a generator
water
a flashlight
the freeway is nearby

a man I know
taught to track and kill a deer
by his uncle on the rez
took his first when he was 14
still a boy

when he got back to the house
he danced and laughed
proud of himself
his uncle slapped him
hard

never rejoice when you take a life
the deer offered herself to you
so you might have food for the winter

today while men in a room watched
hundreds of miles from the tunnel filled with
dogs and soldiers
a man took his life and the lives of three children

our president described in great detail
'crying, screaming, cowardly'
'body parts identified by DNA'
'great' 'very bad' ' hatred'

where is uncle to slap him
teach him to take life, any life
is not honorable
no matter how necessary it may seem

we are all capable of murder
in our hearts
this will not stop ill will
this will not stop the illness of greed

my daughter lights candles
in her living room
her son is a few blocks away with his girlfriend
if they need to leave
they are ready

as she texted me-
“We're here in the dark,
waiting for the apocalypse.”




Thursday, October 17, 2019

Felix has been groomed within an inch of his life. He has the pouffy tail and ears of a 'real' poodle. He doesn't seem to mind however. Dogs are very unselfconscious.

I hung a very large painting I did on the wall of the living room. I sincerely hope it doesn't fall down and scare the bejeezus out of me and the animals.

It's dark and rainy and cold here. The leaves are glorious.

I wonder how much more life I have. Rep Elijah Cummings was only 68, why a young man! And such a splendid man he was. I/we will miss him so much.

I tried to eliminate some ground wasps that are swarming by my front door. I felt so guilty. But they're still there. ***sigh***.

Craig is a man in my tai chi group. His form is beautiful, as is he. I told him I admired his form (meanwhile I stumble through the moves) and now he is (I think) flirting with me. Oh dear. I haven't had to tell a man I don't roll that way for years. He made one kinda homophobic comment and I didn't correct him... Anyway, I have no skills anymore. Not for flirting or deflecting flirting. It's a nice thing about being, er, older. He IS attractive. I did say I admired his form (and his hands and long legs). Oh dear. This shall amount to nothing, children.

I find it a bit annoying when friends lament my singledom. It's really ok, honest. Sure, I talk to myself. I can be a bit dotty. But I'm fine. I consult myself when I want to do things. And usually I am quite reasonable.

I love this season of cold and dark. Always have.

May all beings be warm and safe.

Sunday, October 13, 2019

Trader Joe's is fecking evil. There is chocolate and sweet stuff ALL OVER THE STORE, not in just one area. It's everywhere, lurking when you least expect it.

Ok, I have poor impulse control. And I bought some peanut butter cups. And they are delicious.

At least my women were here tonight to meditate so I gave them some. But I ate way too many. Way, Too. Many.

Felix got a bath yesterday because they groomer was sick. I trapped him in the bathroom, got a  stool to put in the shower, took the shower head off the hook and washed the sad dog. He sat in the dining room, shivering. It wasn't THAT cold.  Anyway, as soon as I said the magic word (walk/hike/outside), he leapt into the air, all troubles forgotten.

Haircut next week.

The momma I was waiting on had a c/section. Unfortunately. I go see her tomorrow. Her kiddo is lovely. Too many surgeries to have babies. Not right. But in her case, necessary.

***sigh***

Good night, darlings

PS. Renee Zellweger is pretty darn good in "Judy". Just be ready for a tragic story. 

Thursday, October 10, 2019

Waiting on a momma who called with ruptured membranes this morning. Waiting for the window cleaner person to arrive. What to do with the dog? Don't have an answer for that one right now. Felix is a shaggy, dirty mess and he has a date with the groomer tomorrow. Thank the lawd.

Amy is the name of the window person. She has been here once before and I will do better this time. She ( I think she prefers the pronoun she) arrived in a house dress (is that even a thing anymore?), a scarf on her head and a deep voice. Uh, I was not skillful, called her 'sir' a few times. Nope, don't think she is a sir but maybe she/he is a cross dresser and not trans but how to ask????

My friend Micha would just encourage me to ask her. Micha is a trans woman, or as she says, 'I'm just a WOMAN.' She is now happily in a lesbian relationship with someone who matches her in wisdom, smarts and wonderfulness. Did I say she's a professor at UCSC with a double PhD in gaming, virtual reality and computer programming? And she's an artist with an international following. She's wicked smart. And I love her. She has introduced me as her mother, so there's that. I'm so proud.

In spite of the hatred we don't have to sink down.

I am enjoying the impeachment brouhaha much more than is seemly. Arrests! Nonsensical pronouncements from the VP! Giuliani! etc.

The cold has arrived. And I have solar panels which will provide free heat, yay!!! Maybe this winter I won't be huddled up in a blanket in front of the fireplace with the cat around my neck.

Happy to be going to a birth. Haven't been to a birth for many months... It's like riding a bike. You never forget how. And this momma was at her friend's birth a few years ago. I was the midwife so she remembered me  and came into care with us. May the circle be unbroken..

Friday, October 04, 2019

Hear me out. Last Sunday I attended a Christian church service. They are graciously hosting my Buddhist sit and a Buddhist recovery meeting, all without cost (or very little cost). The church is beautiful, large windows, raised beds of flowers and veggies outside, a new mom pastor who led the service with a baby on her hip.

It's a small congregation, mostly older folks, a few younger people. They are politically active and their message is love your neighbor. I went because they were cleaning up the grounds around the church and on the street, including the parking circle. All were looking rather neglected. And I wanted to help out, to give back.

So I went to the service. I had a visceral reaction sitting there among the God talk and the Bible verses and the singing. It wasn't aversion exactly. It was more like a feeling of wrongness, like I shouldn't be there as an unbeliever. I definitely didn't take communion.

What's so different about my Buddhist practice from theirs. They have formed a family of sorts as I have with my Buddhist friends. They have stories that they read which are fantastical, I know they are metaphors but some folks believe them, especially kids. And there are Buddhist stories that are just as unrealistic.

So it comes down to the idea that we're sinners and we call on something outside ourselves to be cleansed which I just can't buy. Our original self is the world, we just have forgotten that we're part of everything and everyone. And we ARE that already. We don't need an intermediary to fix us or remove our sins or whatever.

I mean. They're good Christians. They pray for one another. They try to do good works in the world. They're not filled with hate. They're accepting of difference. They're the faith of my ancestors.

Cultural appropriation? Am I guilty of this? I don't know.