I transcribed another interview for my book. My ears hurt from the ear buds. It takes me forever to do transcription. They would not hire me in that department. I can type with numerous mistakes. I've been a virtuous woman today. I watered the chickens, fed the garden, bathed the cats and brushed the dog. There are far too many animals around here.

A sparrow couple is raising a family in a chink in the house next door. I can see them out my kitchen window. The crows sit on the wires and watch. They are such devils but they and their offspring need to eat too. I once watched a crow carry off a baby robin while the adults shrieked and flew frantically around.

I've been waiting for a mom to call back. She woke me this morning to tell me about her show and contractions. I suggested that she take a bath and have some benedryl for sleep. Now it's almost 6PM and nothing's shaking.

She may go for two more weeks. Much to her dismay. OR I may go off tonight sometime. It's been a few weeks since I've been to a birth so that would be fine.

My friend A is having her surgery on May 28th. I'm gonna be their companion with witticisms. And food. And whatever else they might need.

Of to walk the dog before night falls.

BTW-saw the new Star Trek movie last night. BECAUSE. Benedict Cumberbach was in it. And he was the bad guy. The movie was about a lot of warp speed and things blowing up and some pretty tame dialog and a durnb good Spock but as a non-Trekkie, kinda boring. I will see any movie with Benedick in it. I'm shameless about him. He really looked smashing in his 'futuristic' outfits.

Ok people. Downton Abbey, piffle. Parade's End with Benedict Timothy Carlton Cumberbatch is way better. And he's my people, he belongs to me. The quivery lips, the odd face, the ridiculous English propriety while having affairs and drinking proper tea with servants standing by. I might have to watch the whole series over again. I think I have to take a few more middle names, however. Beth Eloise Beatrice Coyote, Esq.  Beastly and brilliant. Tom Stoppard wrote the screenplay. Do watch, it's awfully grand.

Deb left for Hawaii with her son today for a holiday. I plan to have wild parties involving illicit drugs and sex and loud music. In reality, I'll be walking the dog, caring for the chickens and cats and being on call. I was meant to be a farmwife. Except for killing chickens. Couldn't. 

How to look good

It's early. I have a conference today so I'll see my midwife friends. Felix the dog will go to his favorite dog sitting place and play with Miles and Bailey. After he comes home and he's tired, he goes upstairs and goes to bed. He lies on his back with his legs in the air.

The best part about the new Star Trek movie is Benedict Cumberbach. I think he's an evil character. No matter. 

I  haven't written here in almost a week. Too busy at work and spending time outdoors. We've had a streak of warmth and sun and gardening. Right now the early sun  has lit up the buildings downtown with pink. I can see a bit of skyline from my bedroom. 

Deb leaves for Hawaii next week with her son. He's taking her for mother's day, an imaginary holiday that happens this Sunday. Isn't mother's day something Madison Avenue dreamed up to sell flowers and greeting cards? When I had kids in the house, I thought every day was mother's day. It sure felt like it. 

Mothers. We all have one (or had one). I'm reading a book about the infant brain. No wonder I'm the way I am. Trust, intimacy, depression; all get wired so so early. I don't trust anyone. I told my therapist that and she asked if I trusted her. I said I did and she asked why. "Because you know better" was my response. No wonder I'm a midwife, so I can help families to care for their babies better. More wisely. 

A friend asked me to edit a piece of writing he's done on sex and magic and Christianity. Whew. My  inner English teacher printed it out and began slashing away before I stopped and asked him what his purpose was-publication or personal? I'm waiting to hear back. Rebecca is my model for skillful, firm and incisive critique. She made me think differently about writing, all writing. 

I could say a lot more about the art of critique but the day calls. 

May everyone be peaceful. May everyone be free. 

I missed His Royal Purpleness in concert. Whaaaaaaaa!

I'm gonna play Purple Rain in the car on my way to dance heaven. Loud, very loud.

I went and saw magic Sam yesterday for a massage. I had a large boulder in my back where I was stabbed by anxiety and sorrow. Sam is a massage therapist but he's also a shaman too. Before you start making 'piffle' noises, let me tell you.

He prayed over me. He told me to bring colors in, emerald green and beautiful blue and lavender. He rubbed and then made growling hissing noises and he snapped his fingers and muttered and shock a rattle. I felt like a bear was biting me and a snake was slithering up and down my spine. At the end he asked if he could release my heart and he went in with his fist and pow, growl hiss, my heart opened. My back released and black gunk poured out of my spine.

Sam is my friend from dancing. He is one of the most joyful people I know. When I asked about his wedding ring, he said, 'Yes, I have a husband.' When he laughs, he throws his head back and opens his mouth wide wide wide (and not a single filling). His eyes disappear when he laughs.

I asked him if he loves me and he jumped up, hugged me and yelled, 'Of course!!!'

At the end I couldn't move and I said I should go home and soak but he said I should go to dance class so I did and my friends were there and Sam too and it was fine, it was pure. My back has a ghost in it but bears love blueberries so I had some for dinner.

A is ok for now. We talked a bit. She has her man and he adores her. Meanwhile the wild creatures are caring for us wherever we are.

Awake at three AM. My eyes opened like a pair of doll eyes. Clink. I did an inventory. Don't have to pee. Nothing much hurts. The cat isn't lying on my legs or stabbing me in the face with her claws.

Then I remembered.

Yesterday I spent the afternoon, I mean many hours, with my friend, her husband and her fresh cancer diagnosis at the fancy cancer center here in town. We're big on cancer in Seattle. Famous. We're striving, full of power and money. We will vanquish the enemy, slay those fucking aberrant cells. A. has health insurance and a plan for treatment where she lives. This is a second opinion and she would have to pay out of pocket, about $150k, if she chooses this 'option'.

Jesus.

The floor we're on isn't too frightening, no gaunt, dying people in hospital gowns with IV's dripping their poison sitting by the windows. But there is a woman with a cart who offers us snacks and juice. Water bottles with those damn pink ribbons on them. Yes, we're all aware of breast cancer, for god's sake. How about eradicating some causes?

We are ushered into a room that is 'our's' for the afternoon. A. is examined by several people. Her mammogram, ultrasound and records are poured over. We leave for lunch. We come back to a conference room where we're visited by the ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future. The conversation is taped because it's so hard to stay conscious when they're reeling out their ideas for surgery, chemo and radiation. Survival rates. Damage to surrounding tissue. Radiation to the heart. A's family history hovering  over it all.

We tell jokes. I cue up Dina Martina on my laptop. A's husband laughs so hard he's crying. We touch each other very briefly on the shoulder. We both love A. so much. What is happening is unbearable.

Friends make us a beautiful dinner. We drink too much wine, eat roasted vegetables and arugula salad. As soon as I get into my car to drive home, my back spasms so severely I can barely drive. I'm whimpering when I walk into the house, unable to talk. I stand in the shower and let the hot water scald me. Then I pass out as soon as I get into bed.

A's surgery is scheduled for a month from now. I plan to drive down and be with her husband while she's in the OR. We'll tell jokes and watch silly videos on my laptop.

Therefore.

I'm awake. No, I'm not tired. Anxious, yes. Sad too. But tired, not at all.