Thursday, January 31, 2008
Then I went to Martha's house and she has a watsu pool in her back yard and she did a watsu session with me. The water is body temperature and you get in and she swirls you around and sometimes takes you under water and she bends you all up and then she cradles you and swooshes you around some more. It was amazing when I closed my eyes and the sun burst out behind my eyelids and I thought about the whole amniotic thing which is, I think, the point. Martha wanted to know how I was doing and I told her I was OK and during the swooshing and floating I thought about my brother. He will never get to do watsu. I imagined him in the water floating around and crying and letting all the sadness go out. Then he could just worry about having pruney fingers. I don't always know what to say when someone asked about my 'feelings'. I think they are in a safe place for now. Monday I can go to suicide group again and I'll see how I do.
I personally recommend that in lieu of killing yourself, you have a bath until you are wrinkly and you've gotten the newspaper all wet and the tea is all gone.
It is a kindness to the rest of us.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
I had my hair ironed today. I'm in the growing-it-out stage, so right, I have the recently released look and I have been trying to pretend I look, you know, dashing and debonair, however my hairdresser person disabused me of that idea pretty quick. She said, "I can fix that." Now I have actual bangs and really straight hair that is all swingy because she ironed the whole thing. I will not be ironing my hair any time soon. I would burn myself and end up looking like Edward Scissorhands after a laundry accident. So for one evening, I am going to walk around my house swinging my head and pretending I am John Lennon in the first Beatle's movie. I think I look smashing. Maybe I'll have a little glass of port too and put on my fleece bathrobe, ol swingy haired me, la la.
Monday, January 28, 2008
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Today the sun is coming in the windows and illuminating all the little cat nose smears where they sit and look out and make that jittery cat noise with their mouths when they are watching birds. Maybe they think they are sounding like a bird and 'calling' to birds. Hopeless, really hopeless.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Why, when the sun comes out, do you see massive dust and cat pawprints on everything? I think it is some kind of black arts. Your eyes are affected by the light rays and smudges, smears and fur leap up and attaches to windows, picture frames and the couch. Because after the sun goes down, all is normal again. I have another theory about cobwebs involving malevolent thoughts and eating ice cream after 10PM.
Monday, January 14, 2008
I sent out yesterday, I think they weighed more than 13 oz which is the limit for the post office....sheesh, so they will return to me and I have to mail them in person so the post office person can see me?? and the fact that I am not wearing any incendiary devices around my waist?? or the envelope is shaped like...an envelope and not a bread box or??? Cripes, I didn't even know the rules.
I got accepted into quarrtsiluni and I have to record myself reading the poems. Gawd, I hope I can figure it out. Dana did it, she recorded herself reading her poem and it was brilliant, because it was kinda monotone and cool and creepy. I loved the way it made me shiver.
I think g-d is mad at us in the NW. It was pouring, THEN HAIL, THEN SNOW. I drive an Insight hybrid which weighs about 3# so any ice, snow etc makes me extremely nervous, plus the visibility factor. I am not returning to the streets until this current weather action calms down. And I am swearing off cookies, as of today. I might need cookies anonymous. My name is Beth and I have a cookie addiction.
Saturday, January 12, 2008
I got together with a friend yesterday whose mom killed herself and what a relief to talk to her. She says that the feelings are like a beach ball you try to hold under water but they just pop up randomly, like in the supermarket when you are staring at the gum section and suddenly you remember when your brother went to bed with gum in his mouth and during the night it got in his hair so he had this really funny messed up wad on one side of his head and you had to cut it out with cuticle scissors so he had a hole place in his hair. Then at breakfast your mom gets all mad because he has a chunk taken out of his hair and there is gum stuck to his pillow case which she hasn't seen yet...and now he is dead and you can't call him up anymore to kid him about gum-head.
So I'm sitting on a beach ball chair and my brother is still a goner. I think Monday is the next suicide support group drama meeting. Now I have friends who want to go to so I have company. Then after we can have a drink. I want a mixed drink but I never know what to order. I feel so unsophisticated. What is a grasshopper drink anyway, squeezed grasshoppers? Or electric tea, little lightening bolts? Maybe I'll just drink a scotch. And think of the moors and lichen and sweaters and the like.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
you go through a whole day thinking it is Tuesday and actually it is Wednesday or Sunday. I did that yesterday so I get to have January 10th again because I thought it was January 10th yesterday. It might be a new strategy to redo a really bad day, just have it again. Correct the mistakes, don't drive too fast through a school zone, wear your seat belt and eat a lot of vegetables.
Tonight I had my writing group and we are hilarious. We shriek with laughter. It is so loud I think we rile up Rebecca's cats. We eat cheese and bread and grapes and we drink tea from real teapots and you would think we could be polite but we just refuse. And everyone brought a brilliant poem. And Rebecca sat with her feet on a chair because she has some serious problems with bones and burns and the like. We might have to fashion some accident proof footwear for her so she can no longer damage herself. But fashionable of course. And then we ragged on Laura for wearing homeless person Laplander clothes so we went out the door shrieking. I hope Rebecca's neighbor doesn't leave an evil note.
I am still contemplating the satsuma. It is getting rather hard. When I was meditating the other morning, there were 3 chickens crossing the road by my house. Like the joke. I'm not making this up. I would not make up stories about semi-wild life. Cars were stopping so they could cross and then the people were just staring because there were chickens (surrounded by pigeons, I might add) pecking around in the yard in Columbia City. The rooster was really pretty but man, are they dumb.
Ok, when I was trying to peel off my running tights, I kinda stepped on my right index finger and there was this crunch sound and now my finger is sore and swollen at the knuckle. It's too embarrassing the way I did it so I'm going to make up a story about how I rescued a bunch of people from a ledge 8 stories up and sprained my finger. Then the mayor will give me the keys to the city and I will be in the paper and famous and my finger will sport a big bandaid and the guy at the coop will carry my groceries to my car and I will be rich but generous and my poetry will all be published and I will buy all my friends some great shoes. The End.
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
Monday, January 07, 2008
today and I feel like I've been in the dryer with the sneakers, a lot of banging around. But first I have to say that my daughter rocks and these pictures are hers and they are beautiful and I am so grateful that she has a restless eye, roving and checking and eliminating. We went to Yosemite together and I watched her taking photos and I began to see what/how she sees the world. Like when Rebecca says I am always thinking in poems, Eden is always thinking in light and dark and color...
I'm still watching the satsuma until my eye breaks open. This is a poem exercise. Try it. Don't use any words like orange, citrus, fruity, etc. I'm thinking Nepal, where I'm going in the fall. Really. A satsuma as K2.
I am drinking a glass of tawny port and it makes me think about the queen. I watched Jane Eyre last night on PBS and it was a good Brit version, Jane was actually pretty plain and Mr Rochester was appropriately tortured but the mad wife in the attic wasn't quite crazy enough. It made me think about antipsycotics and the story wouldn't work today because she would have a diagnosis and medication and it would be so...civilized. None if this setting English manors on fire and throwing yourself off the parapet. Anyway. After the glorious ending: a family portrait with a bunch of kids( they did have the hots for each other) and Rochester sitting there all gnarly but happy (still handsome in a ruined sort of way), they ran a docu on the queen, you know, Elizabeth, the current one.
Whoa, OK. What a life. One scene she was presiding over the Court or something and she is wearing this CRAZY crown and it was flashing like little flashlights every time she moved. And she has 12 crowns, for different occasions. And then there is the frickin' ocean liner she rode around on, her 'home away from home'. Then there are the HUGE crowds that come out to see her and sing happy birthday and god save the queen, etc. All because she is in a royal line, what the hell. Those Brits, who can understand them? And I can make fun because they are my people.
So I am going to toast the queen, with all her Corgis. She has a bunch of them. They are ridiculous. Yogi was a Corgi. I have his ashes on my counter besides a Buddha statue. Yogi was a bodhisatva with really short legs. Do dogs have Buddha nature? Of course they do.
Saturday, January 05, 2008
I actually sent poems to 2 different places today so maybe I don't have to next week. Rebecca is making us send poems in EVERY WEEK, gawd.
Further Instructions From the Fallback
Begin again (slip knot) to tell me what you are (heaving line bend)
Trying to say (sheepshank) where was he (thief knot) found and
When was this (clove hitch) anyway
First he tried a cowboy bowline too loose
Then an alpine butterfly his fingers didn’t work right
A Portuguese sinnet eluded him as did a lark’s head and a dog shank
Too complicated for a monkey’s fist tried a blood knot yes
A diamond knot closer a grief knot would do just right
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
Tuesday, January 01, 2008
about the Zen people. They are actually human beings who happen to take a million vows and shave their heads and wear long black dresses and pants. And they eat chocolate and really good cookies. And they let us stay in their monastery and use their zendo, which was pretty generous of them. We were not so tidy so I thought they were awfully tolerant, considering. We had a fair amount of hair and we wore colors and we were all weepy and huggy. Although we did some hugging with them at the end. I cried so much but it was so acceptable. I didn't even have to talk about my brother or my dog. We did sing and dance too. Sandy Boucher and her partner Martha were our den mothers and they were very kind, like older post menopausal bodhisatvas in big wool socks.
On New Year's Eve, we all rang the HUGE bell by the altar. I would live there so I could do that again. There are all these other noisemakers too, like clapper things and a hanging wooden plank you hit with a big mallet while you wear earmuffs, whoa. I think there are a lot of rules but they didn't expect us to know them, thank goodness.
OK, so taking a shower was a bit complicated. The shower room was in the gym area, outside the dorms. So you go down there with your towel and soap and you have to turn on 4 showers in a row so the water gets hot. This means that you get your clothes wet so you take off your clothes, but the room is about 3 degrees so you are hopping around until you see steam rising up after about, oh say, 5 minutes, which is a really long time. Then you get wet but the air is so cold you don't really care that you got the soap off, you run over and get your towel and get dressed as quickly as possible. It was definitely a deterrent to the cleanliness thing.
Yes, I meditated a lot. It is the Balm of Gilead, whatever that is.
I love you, Lotus Sisters. You know who you are. You rock my world. Thank you for helping to save the world.