The end of the weekend. Another wee babe in the world, just a half a block away. I walked to their home visit this morning. Her name is Una and her parents are in love with her.

My student called after the birth to say that their birth was a 'fairy tale'. They walked into the birth center holding a rose.  The momma was surrendered and floaty, so beautiful.  And she stayed that way, more and more as she got closer to pushing. They had halos around them.

They did. And I got to see their halos.

Then the momma was standing in the big tub washing off after the birth and we were helping her.The dad was holding his new daughter in his arms and she was reaching out her hands to him. The momma saw this, we all saw this and the momma'a eyes filled with tears as she looked at her man and her baby.

It felt like we shouldn't be there because it was so intimate and loving and for them forever. But we were and we cried a little too.

I'm sure today that the work I do is holy. As hard as it is. As tired as I get. As crazy as it makes me. It's holy and I'm a lucky woman on this earth.

I've been remiss.
Today I walked 7 miles with the dog, I cleaned the house, I watered the garden (and ate a few strawberries), I washed the dog, I bought a new GPS to replace the one that was stolen, I talked to a few mommas with problems and one who might be in labor, I dropped off some recycling, and I went to Costco.

Costco is another planet where giant bundles of toilet paper live, giant safflower oil jugs, monstrous numbers of pens and paper, massive pieces of fish and cheese and wine in boxes. Now they're selling hard liquor and I stood before the vodka and whiskey and gin with my mouth open. I don't buy the hard stuff. Except for Scotch. I have a bulging cabinet of alcohol. I could make my way through it and become exceedingly drunk. I'd probably have to lie on the floor for a while.

Next week I'm going on a dance retreat on Whidbey Island. For four days. Did I say I cleaned the house. Well, I did.

I feel virtuous. In my clean house. With my clean dog. He had a bath too. Now I'm watching a Benedick Cumberbach movie that's pretty terrible. Even for him, I might have to turn it off.

I thought I would spend the day on the grass in the yard as you see above.

The dog is being very patient. He expects a marathon walk and it is coming. I just need to read a bit more. I just downloaded

a most remarkable book about parents and children who are 'different'; queer, autistic, dwarves, disabled, etc. Beautiful writing. 

split the branch here
leave a purple mark for the razor to find
those subdivisions
cell membrane furls   unfurls

 a white island in a rainy galaxy
we knew it would be bigger
once we opened you up

sentinels slide
flocculent nodes slumber
removal is why we're here today

witness your modern sickness

Back from San Fran where I danced and went swimming and watched my daughter dance in the atrium of the Museum of Modern Art in downtown SF.

Now I'm bedded down in a house out in the country with a view of Mt Rainier enough to knock your socks off, waiting for a baby.

We gave the mom a castor oil concoction which will hopefully work to nudge the baby to come out. I thought about going home and coming back, but what the heck. We're here, we have snacks and the dad built us a fire and gave us blankets to sleep under.

Come on, baby, it's fine out here.

I only wish I could take my effing bra off. Undergarments, the curse of all womankind.

I leave for San Francisco tomorrow to see Maya and Milo. Eden is trying to get a cheap ticket too so maybe she'll be there as well. I can't wait. I need some time with my dear daughters in the sun. Maya is participating in this thang:

http://www.sfmoma.org/exhib_events/events/2332

Hot diggety. I have to make myself a tin foil hat.

There might be a flash mob too.

I'll tell you all about it when I get back.

I'm on the second floor of the hospital waiting for A to be done with surgery. Her sisters are here and her husband has disappeared with her.

I brought scones and raspberries.

The intake nurse has said it's going to be a long day. I brought my knitting.

I slept for 12 hours. I was exhausted. Now el Felix and I will head over to Discovery Park, a former Military base on Puget Sound that is now a massive park to romp. I'd like to find the police horses that stable there. They are the most beautiful and cared for horses, glossy and sleek.

There is a serious remodel across the street from me. And this morning they are wielding a staple gun to  Megadeath and singing along. This is not quiet. Oh, good, now the sounds of a power saw. The house is ugly but now I suppose it has new doors and windows and a roof so someone will want to buy it and the owner will reap some financial rewards. As housing prices climb. As the engines of commerce grind on.

The dog keeps coming in and shoving his head under my arm so I'll go outside and throw a damn ball for him so he can run off his excess energy which is all he has. I'm still tired from the last birth. I saw the babe and her parents today. They're fine and good and he's sure pretty in his newborn way. I was going to see Kon Tiki, a book I loved in the 7th grade now a movie but I'm too tired and it's sunny and I can't go inside a dark movie room when the sun shines. It seems wrong.

I'm so tired I could lay me down on the couch while children shriek outside and the dog barks at every person who walks by. As if he has to protect me from mothers walking with their children and boys on bicycles. Now he'e getting dog juice on the windows.

Ok, I'm off to the dog park with him and then to the store for cashews and a different kind of deodorant that doesn't make my armpits hurt.

My friend has her surgery for breast cancer on Tuesday and I'm worried about RK and her impending joblessness and my sister just got fired (again). I would build a motel in my yard for her and RK and any other person who I love and needs a home, a safe and quiet place where they could put their feet up and build a fire in the grate and drink tea from the saucer. With katz draped on their hands.

Meanwhile, Barack is appointing some gazillionaire to be on his cabinet (in finance!) who 'forgot' about 38 personal million from last year. Geez, I forget about that kind of $$ all the time. Then I find it in the bottom of the washer.

I'm just angry and sad at all of it.

Felix is insisting. Then maybe I can nap.

Rebecca, this is for you:

Where I was yesterday

 Just me and Felix too, not another soul around. Well, some birds and a few (unseen) bears. The trail was wet and muddy, Middle Fork Snoqualamie River. 

We had a pretty little baby yesterday and I worked a 12 hour clinic today. I'm beyond tired. I'm in bed with my computer and it's time to shut it all down and get some shut-eye.

Felix leaps straight up in the air when he sees me. Even if it's only been 15 minutes. He has big dog joy operating all the time. Except when he gets yelled at for chasing the katz. He'll never learn.

He won't learn. Kat chasing is way too much fun.

I transcribed another interview for my book. My ears hurt from the ear buds. It takes me forever to do transcription. They would not hire me in that department. I can type with numerous mistakes. I've been a virtuous woman today. I watered the chickens, fed the garden, bathed the cats and brushed the dog. There are far too many animals around here.

A sparrow couple is raising a family in a chink in the house next door. I can see them out my kitchen window. The crows sit on the wires and watch. They are such devils but they and their offspring need to eat too. I once watched a crow carry off a baby robin while the adults shrieked and flew frantically around.

I've been waiting for a mom to call back. She woke me this morning to tell me about her show and contractions. I suggested that she take a bath and have some benedryl for sleep. Now it's almost 6PM and nothing's shaking.

She may go for two more weeks. Much to her dismay. OR I may go off tonight sometime. It's been a few weeks since I've been to a birth so that would be fine.

My friend A is having her surgery on May 28th. I'm gonna be their companion with witticisms. And food. And whatever else they might need.

Of to walk the dog before night falls.

BTW-saw the new Star Trek movie last night. BECAUSE. Benedict Cumberbach was in it. And he was the bad guy. The movie was about a lot of warp speed and things blowing up and some pretty tame dialog and a durnb good Spock but as a non-Trekkie, kinda boring. I will see any movie with Benedick in it. I'm shameless about him. He really looked smashing in his 'futuristic' outfits.

Ok people. Downton Abbey, piffle. Parade's End with Benedict Timothy Carlton Cumberbatch is way better. And he's my people, he belongs to me. The quivery lips, the odd face, the ridiculous English propriety while having affairs and drinking proper tea with servants standing by. I might have to watch the whole series over again. I think I have to take a few more middle names, however. Beth Eloise Beatrice Coyote, Esq.  Beastly and brilliant. Tom Stoppard wrote the screenplay. Do watch, it's awfully grand.

Deb left for Hawaii with her son today for a holiday. I plan to have wild parties involving illicit drugs and sex and loud music. In reality, I'll be walking the dog, caring for the chickens and cats and being on call. I was meant to be a farmwife. Except for killing chickens. Couldn't. 

How to look good

It's early. I have a conference today so I'll see my midwife friends. Felix the dog will go to his favorite dog sitting place and play with Miles and Bailey. After he comes home and he's tired, he goes upstairs and goes to bed. He lies on his back with his legs in the air.

The best part about the new Star Trek movie is Benedict Cumberbach. I think he's an evil character. No matter. 

I  haven't written here in almost a week. Too busy at work and spending time outdoors. We've had a streak of warmth and sun and gardening. Right now the early sun  has lit up the buildings downtown with pink. I can see a bit of skyline from my bedroom. 

Deb leaves for Hawaii next week with her son. He's taking her for mother's day, an imaginary holiday that happens this Sunday. Isn't mother's day something Madison Avenue dreamed up to sell flowers and greeting cards? When I had kids in the house, I thought every day was mother's day. It sure felt like it. 

Mothers. We all have one (or had one). I'm reading a book about the infant brain. No wonder I'm the way I am. Trust, intimacy, depression; all get wired so so early. I don't trust anyone. I told my therapist that and she asked if I trusted her. I said I did and she asked why. "Because you know better" was my response. No wonder I'm a midwife, so I can help families to care for their babies better. More wisely. 

A friend asked me to edit a piece of writing he's done on sex and magic and Christianity. Whew. My  inner English teacher printed it out and began slashing away before I stopped and asked him what his purpose was-publication or personal? I'm waiting to hear back. Rebecca is my model for skillful, firm and incisive critique. She made me think differently about writing, all writing. 

I could say a lot more about the art of critique but the day calls. 

May everyone be peaceful. May everyone be free. 

I missed His Royal Purpleness in concert. Whaaaaaaaa!

I'm gonna play Purple Rain in the car on my way to dance heaven. Loud, very loud.

I went and saw magic Sam yesterday for a massage. I had a large boulder in my back where I was stabbed by anxiety and sorrow. Sam is a massage therapist but he's also a shaman too. Before you start making 'piffle' noises, let me tell you.

He prayed over me. He told me to bring colors in, emerald green and beautiful blue and lavender. He rubbed and then made growling hissing noises and he snapped his fingers and muttered and shock a rattle. I felt like a bear was biting me and a snake was slithering up and down my spine. At the end he asked if he could release my heart and he went in with his fist and pow, growl hiss, my heart opened. My back released and black gunk poured out of my spine.

Sam is my friend from dancing. He is one of the most joyful people I know. When I asked about his wedding ring, he said, 'Yes, I have a husband.' When he laughs, he throws his head back and opens his mouth wide wide wide (and not a single filling). His eyes disappear when he laughs.

I asked him if he loves me and he jumped up, hugged me and yelled, 'Of course!!!'

At the end I couldn't move and I said I should go home and soak but he said I should go to dance class so I did and my friends were there and Sam too and it was fine, it was pure. My back has a ghost in it but bears love blueberries so I had some for dinner.

A is ok for now. We talked a bit. She has her man and he adores her. Meanwhile the wild creatures are caring for us wherever we are.

Awake at three AM. My eyes opened like a pair of doll eyes. Clink. I did an inventory. Don't have to pee. Nothing much hurts. The cat isn't lying on my legs or stabbing me in the face with her claws.

Then I remembered.

Yesterday I spent the afternoon, I mean many hours, with my friend, her husband and her fresh cancer diagnosis at the fancy cancer center here in town. We're big on cancer in Seattle. Famous. We're striving, full of power and money. We will vanquish the enemy, slay those fucking aberrant cells. A. has health insurance and a plan for treatment where she lives. This is a second opinion and she would have to pay out of pocket, about $150k, if she chooses this 'option'.

Jesus.

The floor we're on isn't too frightening, no gaunt, dying people in hospital gowns with IV's dripping their poison sitting by the windows. But there is a woman with a cart who offers us snacks and juice. Water bottles with those damn pink ribbons on them. Yes, we're all aware of breast cancer, for god's sake. How about eradicating some causes?

We are ushered into a room that is 'our's' for the afternoon. A. is examined by several people. Her mammogram, ultrasound and records are poured over. We leave for lunch. We come back to a conference room where we're visited by the ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future. The conversation is taped because it's so hard to stay conscious when they're reeling out their ideas for surgery, chemo and radiation. Survival rates. Damage to surrounding tissue. Radiation to the heart. A's family history hovering  over it all.

We tell jokes. I cue up Dina Martina on my laptop. A's husband laughs so hard he's crying. We touch each other very briefly on the shoulder. We both love A. so much. What is happening is unbearable.

Friends make us a beautiful dinner. We drink too much wine, eat roasted vegetables and arugula salad. As soon as I get into my car to drive home, my back spasms so severely I can barely drive. I'm whimpering when I walk into the house, unable to talk. I stand in the shower and let the hot water scald me. Then I pass out as soon as I get into bed.

A's surgery is scheduled for a month from now. I plan to drive down and be with her husband while she's in the OR. We'll tell jokes and watch silly videos on my laptop.

Therefore.

I'm awake. No, I'm not tired. Anxious, yes. Sad too. But tired, not at all.

Do not drink black tea in the evening if you want to go to sleep. Some lessons never stick.

the end of the affair

dark syrup on each stair
a trail into the conservatory
where a stuck knife balances
shimmering

feel the busted ankle
the skin a swimming bruise
over the damage
the slippery pain

clues in the carpet
cinders  shards  shredded pages
each one the same message
no  no  no  no  no

a brackish odor
lilies past their sell-by date

blackened persimmon
a jar of shoes with split tongues

wreckage slumped

overturned velvet chairs

their plush sags   twisted

innards shiny with bloat

door frames cocked crooked

hinges gape

a slick sea of broken books

exhaling

lavender gown half gone

gloves matted with plum sauce

antherium droop in their beds

snow falls  melts  sticks