Tuesday, August 06, 2013

My hood is having block party and I'm not going because I'm grumpy and sad and whiney. It's too effing hot, as in, I'm a hot mess. I hate therapy sometimes. I don't want to go. I start revving up the anxiety about 3 hours before and I blame it on caffeine, lack of sleep, low blood sugar but then I get there and I know what the matter it. Someone is scratching around into my head, inside my skull and it itches and buzzes but I can't fix it not with my usual tricks so instead I ignore it as long as I can I can wait for 50 minutes to run out to my car which is about 943 degrees the shift stick is melted the water in the water bottle is hot and I'm not on that damn couch anymore talking about why I'm so fucked up it's boring for gawd's sake. This is the best I got.

O for some cooling NW rain and clouds and a wind to knock the apples off the tree.

What can you do when someone you know disappoints, really disappoints you? I'm not even mad as I am distressed and nervous and waiting for the other shoe to drop. Someone you expected to behave better, more compassionately, with integrity and gratitude but instead they've gone all grevious and Calamity Jane on you. Maybe I'll never learn. A naive dumbshit to the end.

I'm sure my mother has something to do with this. I'm positive.


Birdie said...

The heat is making me cranky. I step outside and my skin burns. I live in Canada for a reason! I like the cold. This is too much heat!

And you are not alone of what to do when someone disappoints you. I keep hoping that one day my husband will be all loving and nurturing but I know he never will. Like you, I will never learn. And yet, I stay with the hope that one day he will change.

Ms. Moon said...

It's so funny how we finally do realize that people don't essentially change and so we feel that WE must change in order to, uh, leave peacefully and happily? Maybe? But can WE change? I suppose. I guess that's the reason for therapy and all sorts of acceptance meditations and so forth but fuck it- sometimes people are just dicks and you either live with it or you kick it to the curb.
I have no idea what I'm talking about.
I love you.

Marylinn Kelly said...

Saw over at Dr. Bombay about the blues and potential melting and then, here, scratching and disappointment and all I can do is leave virtual violets on the porch. Maybe a big, old-fashioned block of ice to cool your feet. My grandfather used to say, It's a rough row to hoe. We show up. That counts for a lot. Love. xo

Sabine said...

Yeah, the mother, the fucking messer. I believe that one day she'll shrivel up and leave me completely alone.
Be good to yourself, you deserve it.

beth coyote said...

Birdie-I know!!! Day after day of hot weather. It I wanted this, I would be living in the desert! Hope springs eternal, as my mother would say.

beth coyote said...

Darling Mary-You're right. Sometimes people are just dicks. I forget this simple truth.

beth coyote said...

Marilynn-Yup, we live in the same NW city, Radish and I. Thanks for the violets (long ago dried up in my yard!