My Little Golden Book of Phobias

I did it. I went to Nordstrom. I rode the ***light rail***, surely the most beautiful way to travel. And the light rail dropped me off right at the door.

People who shop at Nordstrom DRESS UP to go shopping. Everyone was beautifully turned out. Hair, nails, boots, etc. I was wearing a pair of muddy pants from the dog park, a beret because my hair wouldn't behave and a long raincoat to cover, well, everything. I didn't fit in. The store is sparkly and shiny and clean, with many floors of expensive clothes which I will never buy because I wouldn't pay $175.00 for a dress, one dress. I could buy a buttload of clohtes at Value Village for $175.00, let me tell you. And the clerks are beautiful too. I think they're meant to intimidate the likes of me.

I headed straight for the lingerie department and hung over the counter until a bright young thing noticed me. I told her I wanted the oldest bra fitter on the floor, not someone the age of my child. She brought 'Mary" over. Mary was about 4 feet tall, with a serious chest area. She had a shelf in the front. I imagined her bra fitted with trusses and gears, probably what I was going to be trying on. She let me back to the fitting room and LOCKED ME IN. She complimented my ratty sweatshirt (!). Then she whipped out a tape measure and got busy. She left me alone to stare at myself in the tryptic mirror under the fluorescents. Gawd. Yes, this is what I look like now. Gawd, She returned with an armload of bras. She cheerily told me my size is 36 DD (!!!!!!!) Gawd. Then I tried on a black number that looked like a cafe awning. Could be an umbrella. Or a large purse. It fit. It felt wonderful. Uplift and separate. Yes. I don't want to talk about how much they cost. A bra of this magnitude costs a lot. I bought two.

As soon as I got home, I put on my new bra. I wore it all evening. I'm wearing it today. Imagine, years of engineering have gone into my undergarment. Years! I can wear a black lace bra just like other women. I can. Although I'm not sure I can garden in it.