Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Dears-I'm leaving my current relationship. I couldn't be married, even though we could be married in Washington. And I felt myself going farther and farther away, too many missed connections, too many misunderstandings, too much to write here in a public way. I'll just say that it is with sadness and relief that we must part. It was clear after my recent trip to the Bay area, time to be away with my family and just simply away that I needed to be honest about the end. We can have something else, if we want.

Of course I'm sad. Who ever wants to cause pain to someone else? But the pain of making myself small and quiet and invisible was wrong. I can see so far out now, where there is light and adventure and space.

One thing I've learned (again) is the influence my mother has had on my life, so persistent. I mean, christ, can't she leave me alone? It's pathological, this need to be good, to swallow the anger at slights and insults and dismissals. And she disowned me anyway.

I go along for a long time, biding my time. Then there comes the turning point when I'm done. And I'm done now.

I'll be ok. I will. I'm going to Tuscany next August to perform a wedding for my lovely friend and her man. I'll go on retreat. I'll dance my feet off. I'll deliver a bunch of fat babies. I'll love all my friends and I'll love myself as well as I can. And Felix will keep me entertained.

Who knows. Maybe I'll go to Lloyd, Florida just to give Mary M a big hug. And say hi to Elvis the rooster.

I've got more life in me yet to live. I do. Even if I fall right over on my face after leaving the pool today. (Well, the floor was slippery!) Tomorrow me and Holly are driving to Bellingham to dance the New Year in.

Be well, all sentient beings. Be at peace. Be free.


Birdie said...

It is a strange feeling isn't it? When I left my ex-husband I was all at once sad yet exhilarated at the same time. I was terrified but never felt more free.

Sabine said...

I send you a big warm hug.

Radish King said...

So many things I want to tell you but mostly to hug you. BIG LOVE.

Ms. Moon said...

You are brave. You are very brave to see what must be done and to do it.
We only have the one life. It's true. At least as far as we know in this now and in this place.
You know how wonderful it would be to see your face in Lloyd? Ah me, Beth.

beth coyote said...

Dear Birdie-We're here to transform and to be transformed, aren't we?

Sabine-thank you sweet woman.

RK-lets do dinner soon.

Mary honey-why not??? I mean, really, why not? Wouldn't we have FUN?

Mel said...

I'm glad you'll be ok. And that you figured out what you want.
My mother has had the same indelible influence on my life and no matter how hard I try to break free of the guilt and anger cycle, I always end up back there, forever the child. I don't think I get to be done with this one.
I hope you get to Lloyd, to hug Mary. It's on my life list too.
Be well, at peace and free too and may this year be kind to you and bring you happiness.

Radish King said...