Monday, February 04, 2008

Suicide group was, er, fun? Well, we sit in a circle and wring kleenex. I am actually pissed at my brother right now for offing himself. It has wrecked my health and it has been really expensive, what with the plane trips and visits to doctors and therapists and extra supplements and bottles of port consumed and so forth. I am so not ready to forgive him. I may be there one day, I'm sure. When I was driving tonight to the meeting, I was thinking "I don't need this group, I'm fine really, I just have a little back problem and I can't sleep and I am angry at almost everyone." So I told them and they so got me, they nodded and wiped their eyes and laughed in this weird, comforting way. The uses of grief. The novel.

I also realized that I cannot write in a crowded coffee bar. Some people can, I don't get it. I'm afraid someone is looking over my shoulder and reading my half-baked stuff, the stuff I write when I am getting wound up. And I took my new mac which is all white and shiny and I am such a dork because I don't know how to use most of it. Which reminds me, I am going back to the apple store VOLUNTARILY tomorrow so I can have a session with a blue shirt person who can show me what all the little hoppy icons can do, whohoo. Maybe I'll see my savior Evan. Maybe one day again I will write a poem. For now I read my stuff. I like to. I'm pretty good. And if you want, you can go to qarrtsiluni and hear me read, way creepy.


turdpress said...

I can't read or write in crowded coffee shops. I'm convinced that no one else can, either, they're just pretending.

beth coyote said...

thank god for that. I have to be in my bathrobe with some weepy music on and the cat walking around on the desk and my hair looking horrid.

Radish King said...

You don't have to forgive him. Fuck all that Oprah crap. Some things are unforgivable.


GoGo said...

I just wrote like 8 paragraphs in this comment before realizing, I think I might have some unresolved issues with this subject.

I am so glad you are speaking about it. Until I read your blog, I never put it together that only a few people know about my grandfather's suicide, and this includes only one gyrlfriend too. It was such a secret, I think I've always carried it that way.

As for coffee shop writing, I like it sometimes. I believe no one is looking at me, otherwise I probably wouldn't do it.

Thanks for your words.


beth coyote said...

hey gogo, there was a 40 something woman at the meeting whose mother killed herself when the woman was 5 years old!!!!! whoa, I say and she is just dealing with it now. better late than never.

thanks r,I'm permantly warped...

Dave said...

Its only creepy to you, trust me! It's a good reading.

I agree on coffee shop writing, though sometimes I've managed because that's where I happened to be when I had to jot down a thought. But it ain't where I'd choose to write. I need silence... and my big, bulky, ancient desktop. My laptop is a pocket-sized, spiral-bound notebook.