Dears-I'm leaving my current relationship. I couldn't be married, even though we could be married in Washington. And I felt myself going farther and farther away, too many missed connections, too many misunderstandings, too much to write here in a public way. I'll just say that it is with sadness and relief that we must part. It was clear after my recent trip to the Bay area, time to be away with my family and just simply away that I needed to be honest about the end. We can have something else, if we want.

Of course I'm sad. Who ever wants to cause pain to someone else? But the pain of making myself small and quiet and invisible was wrong. I can see so far out now, where there is light and adventure and space.

One thing I've learned (again) is the influence my mother has had on my life, so persistent. I mean, christ, can't she leave me alone? It's pathological, this need to be good, to swallow the anger at slights and insults and dismissals. And she disowned me anyway.

I go along for a long time, biding my time. Then there comes the turning point when I'm done. And I'm done now.

I'll be ok. I will. I'm going to Tuscany next August to perform a wedding for my lovely friend and her man. I'll go on retreat. I'll dance my feet off. I'll deliver a bunch of fat babies. I'll love all my friends and I'll love myself as well as I can. And Felix will keep me entertained.

Who knows. Maybe I'll go to Lloyd, Florida just to give Mary M a big hug. And say hi to Elvis the rooster.

I've got more life in me yet to live. I do. Even if I fall right over on my face after leaving the pool today. (Well, the floor was slippery!) Tomorrow me and Holly are driving to Bellingham to dance the New Year in.

Be well, all sentient beings. Be at peace. Be free.

My sweet daughter and I spent time at Harbin Hot Springs, surely an upscale hippie clothing-optional place in the hills of northern California. She's in a grieving and wounded place so I was happy to be with her so we could soak and eat and have massages and dance and talk.

I held her in my arms in the warm pool as she cried. It felt holy and tender. I felt blessed to have her friendship and trust. We talked about her childhood and the difficulties of being from a 'divorced' home. We talked about so much that was deep. Today she woke feeling sick so we took Milo and left for the day so she could rest and be in bed. This evening, I read her big parts of 'Polishing the Mirror', the latest Ram Das book. He writes so eloquently about loss and grief and transformation and love.

It's a special kind of pain, when you can't shelter your child from suffering. No matter how old they are. And no matter that they have their own journey, you still want to ease their way a bit, somehow even though you know you can't. At some point I realized that my very dying would cause my children to suffer. Ah well, it can't be helped.

The night at Harbin after we had done all our activities, I wandered back to our room to collapse. Maya was still dancing. I went into our room in the dark looking for a light switch when I heard strange noises. Squeaky squeaky until I realized there was, um, fucking going on in the room next to ours. Fast, slow and grunty. And again in the morning. Twice.

I was dying to lay eyes on the randy couple but short of lurking outside their room waiting for them to come out or getting my hands on the roster for the weekend, I was out of luck. Not quite a meditation retreat environment where there's no talking, no eye contact and definitely no sex!

Back to Seattle tomorrow.

My wit faints.

Another questionable nativity scene for your viewing pleasure:

 Uh, Joseph and Marty?

On my walk, three eagles and a woodpecker. And many people in the park with relatives from out of town. Going to California on Thursday to celebrate my darling Maya. We're going to the clothing-optional spa (I went years ago with nary a thought but now. Er, well, a sarong can cover additional poundage from the ensuing years, right?) We're gonna soak in the hottest water and then cold plunge. You do that enough times and you get high, legally. We'll have massages too. Maya's birthday party.

While looking at bras online (don't chide me here, I hate going to stores, hate it), I found a bra that was $180. For one bra. What's it made of, gold, frankincense and myrrh?

Sheesh.

Going dancing now with my Sunday darlings.

It"s been 40 years since I caught my first baby!!!! Holy smokes. I was a hippie girl (natch) with no training or experience except the birth of my own child 6 months before. Sheesh. And Maya was there with me. She's about to turn 41. It is impossible to imagine that I have a 41 year old child. But I do. A few chin hairs, a few wrinkles and a dog that barfed all night and kept me up, like a baby does. Like the baby Jesus did (see above).

Solstice today. My neighbors are putting solar panels on their house because it's so sunny here. hahahahahahahahaha.

Time to get up and look for barf spots I missed in the middle of the night.

Tonight we attended Dos Fallopia's annual Xmas performance including the Sequim Men's chorus (three 'guys') and The Spudds, Euomi and Wynotta Spudd.

Indescribable, really. And then there's Dina Martina and her show. I laughed so hard I was choking. A friend today was asking about Dina and calling her 'he'. But she's Dina, she's not a drag queen, she's her own universe of fractured mispronunciations, terrible singing and horrifying costumes. A dress made of red astroturf?

I love her.



Dina helps me through the holidays.

Today is the day to wrap and pack and shlep to the post office. So I'm in bed in my bathrobe, willing myself to get moving.

At least I wiped off jelly jars. They are so sticky, they stick to each other and the counter.

Why don't I have enough boxes? I'll have to go get some.

My left knee is hinky but I assert that each day it gets better and I won't need anything horrid like surgery. I can walk! I can dance! I can't bend it all the way.

Alright, grumpybus, get up and get dressed and get your holiday cheer on.

Sheesh.

I just learned that the meter reader guy has BINOCULARS for looking at meters in yards where there are dogs. He says that summer is harder because of the leaves. Pure genius.

There's someone in early labor but I will commence with xmas fiddling. I have to wrap and mail and continue knitting and hope I still have addresses for people who need some grape jelly. Many jars have been on the counter since September and now they must be sent off. The jelly is amber this year. Very pretty.

Eden always gives me mending and hemming to do whenever I visit her and this year she's getting it all back in her xmas box. Sometimes she expects a miracle to occur with pants that are shredded and unmendable. This time she gave me socks I made for her with large holes in the heels. People! When homemade socks are holey, repairs are possible if the holes are no bigger than a quarter. After that it's hopeless. I just have to whip up new socks which I don't mind doing. They do take a while.

Reading Rebecca's blog reminded me of my adventure with surgery after a car crash. My left wrist was crushed so they put titanium plates along the two bones and cut the carpal tunnel so the nerves could function. The first night they hung my arm up in the air so it wouldn't swell up and loaded up the morphine. It was very, um, surreal. They operated and couldn't close the skin so they grafted a piece of butt skin from my right butt cheek over the wound. Then they put a drain in the butt cheek area and slapped a big clear bandaid over the whole mess.

THEN

They sent me HOME. Hahahahahahahahahahaha. That's always the best part. I mean. How the fuck was I supposed to take care of myself. My left hand/arm is in a big honkin' cast and my right butt cheek has a drain attached to a vacutainer tube hanging down. Yeah, I know what you're thinking. You wanna jump my bones. Oh yes. And many narcotics were involved during this time. I couldn't drive, I couldn't do laundry, I certainly couldn't cook, I could barely wipe my butt and as for bathing, well, I'd get in the tub and kneel down by the faucet and sorta get parts of my body wet while holding my arm out of the way and avoiding getting my right butt cheek from getting wet too. Uh huh.

And I'm supposed to start physical therapy. They actually wanted me to bend and wiggle my fingers. While in a cast, my left hand became a frozen claw. The first time John, the PT guy asked me to touch my thumb to my index finger, (1) I couldn't and (2) I burst into tears because it hurt like a motherfucker. And I was on drugs. And I thought I might be one handed from then on. I have a serious scar from the middle of my palm and about 6 inches down the inside of my wrist. I look badass now like I tried to kill myself (and obviously failed).

One night when I had passed out in front of the TV, I awoke to some aqua suited televangelist exhorting the one and a half persons watching to come close to the screen for healing. So I staggered over and laid my arm on the screen so Jesus could heal me and take away the pain. Didn't work but maybe my faith wasn't strong enough. That's probably it.

I'm very grateful my hand works as well as it does. My downward dog looks a little funky.

I was looking for British Isles 'packages' tonight as I've gotten serious about saving money to go there with my children. The year I turn 65. I want to wander the moors and look all pensive. And visit Scottish distilleries. Stonehenge. Ireland. Castles. Pubs. etc. My mother's people. I do not want to eat spotted dick however.

Today there were contrails and a sickle shaped moon and an eagle in the tree ( I have taken to calling her MY eagle) and a fool on a paddle board on the lake in 15 degree weather.

Tonight it was a mad party at my biller's house. She does this every year for all her customers, mostly midwives. We hang out, drink, eat and talk about stuff. I miss my sister midwives all the time so getting to see them is wonderful.

I got two emails today that I just have to share. Justine is my office manager and her sister is who she is referring to.

Subject: People!

Date: Dec 7, 2013 12:34 PM

I caught the damn baby on the bathroom floor! She was all over the map with her contractions all day, 18 min apart, 9 min apart, etc. Then she went and puked her brains out, sat on the toilet and that shit blew up. Sally was telling us we should probably get in the car to go to the hospital.  It was clear that we weren't going anywhere and then he was crowning.   Put me in the rotation ladies! And then there is this:  Hello My wife Katy Johnson and I are 9 weeks pregnant and have heard many raving  reviews about Rainy City Midwifery. We would like to schedule a consolation.  In the consolation are topics such as insurance coverages covered in the consolation? Thank you for your time. Dion Johnson

Two babies in the last 48 hours. One of them was 10# 7oz and came out facing us. For real. Big honkin' girl and came out sunny-side up. Women are amazing, always amazing.

I'm tired and I'm eating chocolate and drinking a wee bit of brandy. I deserve it.