"We are all broken by something. We have all hurt someone and have been hurt. We all share the condition of brokenness even if our brokenness is not  equivalent. I desperately wanted mercy for Jimmy Dill and would have done anything to create justice for him, but I couldn't pretend that his struggle was disconnected from my own. The ways in which I have been hurt-and have hurt others-are different from the ways Jimmy Dill suffered and caused suffering. But our shared brokenness connected us."

                                  Bryan Stevenson,  Just Mercy

If you want a thoughtful, heartbreaking and beautiful book, try this one.

In the Bay with my children and grandchild. Gratitude for sweet family and many comforts. Good food, jigsaw puzzles, blessed rain.

May justice and mercy prevail on Earth.

Waiting in the airport to go to California. Meeting Eden in San Fran where we'll pick up a car. Whenever I get together with my children, I relax. They plan, they drive, they cook. I act like a proper grandma and do whatever I want.

I've learned the trick of checking my bag at the gate. No cost and I don't have to lift the damn thing over my head into the bin.

I'm really hungry. Too bad. Airport food is, as we know, way expensive and not very good. When we landed in Lucca, Italy, the airport had an expresso bar and wee pastries. Diane declared that was the best coffee she'd ever had. Of course this was after an eleven hour flight but still. No Starbucks or Quizno anywhere.

I'd love to go back to Europe. Don't know if I'll be able to afford it again.  Eastern Europe with Eden. In the meantime, there's snow in the mountains and for Christmas, I want Houston to go skiing with me. Maybe Mt Rainier, a most exquisite place. Winter NW foxes. Shaggy peaks. Quiet.

The sump pump is going on and off as the rain rains on all around. Grey and cold. Still in bed at 10:30. So far I've ordered The Big Book of AA from Amazon, looked at the Social Security page to see how to apply for benefits next year (do I want to apply for benefits next year???), researched degenerative disc disease for my daughter (ug) and thought about, in a very circular way, how to finish the remodel on my damn house. It is very livable now but the basement is not rentable at all.

Retirement. Oy, when to retire? I got a call from the answering service a bit ago and someone is in early labor. Not looking forward to losing a night's sleep. Don't want to be on call anymore. As much as I love my work life, call is so...wearing. I've declared that age 70 is my limit. One of my partners is an ND and she's needing to have a clinic day to see patients which, selfishly, I'll be impacted by. I've been encouraging her to begin to see clients as a doctor and she's finally doing it. But.

The Dalai Lama is saying maybe he's the last of his line. The NYT had an interesting article about him at 80. The Chinese has effectively invaded and destroyed Tibet and scattered the Tibetans. As we all know, this leads to cultural destruction, a time honored tradition of all conquerers. We are all wanderers and immigrants, layer upon layer of civilizations in the substrata. Our layer will be full of Barbie dolls, cars and disposable diapers.

Yesterday I learned that a former client is very sick with cancer. She has a young child. My dear Jude continues to improve after treatment. She's even starting to eat again and she can walk around the block. Big improvement.

It's time to take myself to my cushion and offer it all up. Today the word is equanimity. Upekka in the Pali language. It is what it is, with wisdom and kindness.

Been a while since I've been here. Moved a lot of art from the basement to the actual house. Now putting it up here and there. How I've missed the photos and landscapes and abstracts and so on. Some of it mine, some my daughter's, some from friends. I won't have enough wall space to hang everything so I'll have to rotate.

The plumber came over today to give advice and an estimate for the basement. Ug. She said to keep the bathroom, just give it a spruce up. I think it needs dynamite but ok, I'll go with it-new drywall, new fixtures in the shower, a sliding door instead of a hinged one. Ok, that works. As for the kitchen, I'm to look for a counter top with sink already installed. We have recycled building warehouses in our town so I'll be haunting the aisles looking for something that will fit. And she said, build out the MIL kitchen first so I have a kitchen while the upstairs kitchen is being torn down and rebuilt. Good idea!

Dealing with anxiety, situational anxiety. I hate it. I want it to go away and never come back. I think there are tigers who will eat me and I will DIE. Metaphorically speaking, of course. Can't say more than that right now.

Made it through Thanksgiving. Hardly thought about Geoffrey. While sorting through basement detritus, I found a few pictures of him, and other dead folks too. At one point I made a shrine to all who have gone on but there are too many now, doesn't stop, the parade of the dead. My dear Jude is getting better but boy howdy, cancer treatment sucks.

Kindness begins with me. Right here. To myself and to all beings, I send loving kindness. So much suffering in the world. May it all be touched with kindness. May we all be free from suffering. Everywhere.

Neighborhood rock, um, art with bunnies

Still in bed and dealing with work stuff in my pajamas. Difficult situations with clients. As they say, comes in waves. On call today and tomorrow. Then I'm cooking Thanksgiving dinner for six? seven? people. Hope the babies let me sleep Wednesday night!

It finally got cold in Seattle, felt like it never would after the weird sunny summer we had. Reluctant to put on layers and boots and slog through the mud in the yard. A pathway is in my future.

Talking with my siblings. Attending AlAnon meetings. Whew. It seems like the healing never ends. My sis told me she's always wanted a relationship with me and now we have one. After 47 years. I counted. A whole new chapter unfolds.

Now thinking about the next remodel project. Kitchen or MIL? Or both together for more fun fuckery. The kitchen because it's gross and I do like to cook. The MIL because it's a revenue stream and maybe the future home of my GF.

My knee is miraculously better. After some serious work on the IT band, which hurt like hell, by the way, it is practically all better. Danced on it on Sunday. Signed up for the Vancouver half marathon next year. I've done it twice before. Beautiful route in a beautiful city. I'll have to train. 13 miles is a long way. I'll walk-run it.

Ok, time to get up and deal.

Sara called to say that their hot water heater died and the plumber won't install a new one until they've rid their basement of the rats. Blech. Ah, the ratty problem. Been there. Ask me all about the life cycle of the rat. I know it.

This photo is the back of my house. Daycare colors, right?

Vancouver was grand. Yes, it rained and we didn't care. We laughed a lot. We ate sushi and Malaysian food. We went to the movies. We went to the market on Granville Island where the chocolates and bakeries were food porn. Towering stacks of strawberries. Local cheeses. Reminded me of the markets in Paris.

We were on the 10th floor of a high rise overlooking Stanley Park. And on Sunday there was a dusting of snow on the mountains. We had an amazing view of the park and the ocean and Whistler.

I didn't want to come back. At all.

I have an actual living room with painted walls and a rug on the floor and a couch.

It feels weird to be living in the living room. After the cave bedroom where I was for a year. Houston asked about curtains in the new bedroom and I don't want to put any in there because I want light. Born in February, I'm a natural melancholic.

I'm sitting under my beloved angel lamp which finally has power...

And the living room is painted, and I have paint all over me. There is a rug on the floor that's been rolled up in the basement for a year. Furniture all rearranged. I have to figure out how to hang pictures with lathe and plaster and picture rails.

And Houston and I are going to Vancouver tomorrow for the weekend. Yippee!!!!

My knee is not as wrecked as I thought but the PT person says 6-8 weeks of healing. Whaaaaa. What about skiing?? Or swimming. Or even walking. Sheesh.

It's supposed to rain all weekend so we'll bring boots and raincoats and umbrellas and books and knitting (well, I'll bring knitting) and we'll watch dumb TV and sleep in and well, you know. And eat fabulous food and walk in Stanley Park.

No dogs. No katz. No clinic or births.

I just might sleep for 12 hours a day.

My grandson is turning 13. How in the world did this happen? He was just born.

Last night the rain let up enough so that Houston and I could scamper to the hot tub and get in it. The moon was sliding through the clouds. After all, it was Halloween and a perfect All Souls moon.

It is so interesting, falling in love. I turn it over in my hands like an intricate shell. Who is this person? At our sort of age,  we've got a lot of weather in us. And time. And suffering. And wisdom. And yet. We're tentative, the back and forth dance. And yet. We can't always be on our best behavior. That game has to slip sometimes. And there we are, revealed in our mistakes and small cruelties and shame.

I told her I've signed up for the full catastrophe. Why not? The biggest challenge is to stay right here and not go galloping off into the future or the past.

This brief life. This too brief life.

I've decided to rejoin my family after 47 years. Major, I know. Being disowned really fucked me up.  (duh) and now I'm looking at my remaining siblings with tenderness and love. They have persevered with me and I've been holding them at arm's length. The folks are dead.  My youngest brother committed suicide in 2007 and this year his anniversary is Thanksgiving day. Ug.

Brevity, dear ones. Let it propel us all to increasing kindness in our lives and make amends where we can and are called to.

Let peace begin with me.

I'm in the kitchen at the birth center listening to a momma in labor. She's been here all day and she's getting louder now as darkness falls over the city. Mammals have higher hormone levels at night so we birth when the predators are sleeping, or so they say. We're ancient, you know. In spite of soap and bath water and Glade plug-ins.

I've been here all day seeing clients in the prenatal clinic. Babies and moms and dads and toddlers. We've got a few babies who are struggling to gain weight, to nurse properly. Little babies don't have a lot of reserves so we stay on them til we figure out what is wrong. Low milk supply? Sucking disorder with a tight frenulum? Back when my kids were small, you shoved a boob in the baby's mouth and hoped for the best. I was so sore for a while. No instructions on proper latch or position. We know more now but still some babies need donor milk or some formula and some mothers just don't want to nurse, for a variety of reasons. Reminds me of the recent NYT article that talked about the disservice done to mothers who don't breastfeed. We make them bad or wrong. Honestly, you don't know, looking at a bottle fed baby. Perhaps the kid was adopted. Maybe the mom has to work.

Today I talked with my young colleague about buying the business from me (gulp). I need to find someone to 'value' the practice so I know what to ask for, price-wise. In the next five years, I need to stop being on call for births and 'retire' from that end of midwifery. I could still do some clinic and keep my hand in training students. But the night call is, shall we say, difficult. In five years I'll be 70, jeezus. How on earth did that happen. And I might want to spend more time with the ones I love, including my honey. She remains my honey, after almost three months!

Much time has gone by. I know.

Still here. Got sick again, so tired of being sick. I went on a 6 day retreat and spent much of it sleeping. It was so glorious to sleep and sleep and sleep some more. And have someone else do the cooking. My dear teacher, Adrianne was the dharma teacher and she gave me full permission to do whatever I needed to care for myself. Of course, on day two, I stepped out of bed and turned my knee just so so now I've been hobbling around with a elastic knee thang. Got a hitch in my giddiup.

The planet keeps turning. We've had about a billion babies. Yesterday about 3AM, Lynn called to tell me she had a 'situation'.  From a dead sleep, I snapped upright. Wha??? Apparently, a young lady who lives a mere three blocks from me was pushing and I would probably miss the birth but could I get over there NOW? Yeah, sure, ok. I threw on my scrubs and ran out the door. Stupid Mapquest sent me to the wrong house. I staggered up the stairs with my heavy gear to see someone peering at me through their blinds. I ask if it's 4010 Burn Street and they say no. I mean, a wild looking woman on their porch at 3AM. You'd say no too. So I go back to the street and start walking, looking for a likely house with lights on. There are no visible house numbers. Then I see someone opening the door a crack and I head for it.

I drag my stuff up another flight of stairs to find the momma lying on her (white) couch with a baby on her chest. The dad and the doula helped deliver the wee girl. Placenta is still in so I get to work, getting out gloves and scissors and meds and such. My student arrives with the other midwife and together we tidy up and finish the birth. The grandma had two hour labors too.

Whew.

I saw them today for their 1 day home visit and the mother is radiant. Really. She's so happy to have her new girl and her family around her.

Last night I spent time with my dear Jude, who is in the midst of cancer treatment. We decided that cancer treatment is time spent in the hell realms. She said if they offer her more of the same, she would refuse. Dear sweet woman. She's on oxygen and a feeding tube. I read to her until she got tired.

From one world to another. Today my hot tub was installed. Tomorrow I hope to plug it in, fill it up and heat me some water so I can sit on my new deck in my new tub (with my new honey) and contemplate the night sky.

Pray for Peace

Pray to whomever you kneel down to:
Jesus nailed to his wooden or plastic cross,
his suffering face bent to kiss you,
Buddha still under the bo tree in scorching heat,
Adonai, Allah. Raise your arms to Mary
that she may lay her palm on our brows,
to Shekhina, Queen of Heaven and Earth,
to Inanna in her stripped descent.

Then pray to the bus driver who takes you to work.
On the bus, pray for everyone riding that bus,
for everyone riding buses all over the world.
Drop some silver and pray.

Waiting in line for the movies, for the ATM,
for your latte and croissant, offer your plea.
Make your eating and drinking a supplication.
Make your slicing of carrots a holy act,
each translucent layer of the onion, a deeper prayer.

To Hawk or Wolf, or the Great Whale, pray.
Bow down to terriers and shepherds and Siamese cats.
Fields of artichokes and elegant strawberries.

Make the brushing of your hair
a prayer, every strand its own voice,
singing in the choir on your head.
As you wash your face, the water slipping
through your fingers, a prayer: Water,
softest thing on earth, gentleness
that wears away rock.

Making love, of course, is already prayer.
Skin, and open mouths worshipping that skin,
the fragile cases we are poured into.

If you’re hungry, pray. If you’re tired.
Pray to Gandhi and Dorothy Day.
Shakespeare. Sappho. Sojourner Truth.

When you walk to your car, to the mailbox,
to the video store, let each step
be a prayer that we all keep our legs,
that we do not blow off anyone else’s legs.
Or crush their skulls.
And if you are riding on a bicycle
or a skateboard, in a wheelchair, each revolution
of the wheels a prayer as the earth revolves:
less harm, less harm, less harm.

And as you work, typing with a new manicure,
a tiny palm tree painted on one pearlescent nail
or delivering soda or drawing good blood
into rubber-capped vials, writing on a blackboard
with yellow chalk, twirling pizzas–

With each breath in, take in the faith of those
who have believed when belief seemed foolish,
who persevered. With each breath out, cherish.

Pull weeds for peace, turn over in your sleep for peace,
feed the birds, each shiny seed
that spills onto the earth, another second of peace.
Wash your dishes, call your mother, drink wine.

Shovel leaves or snow or trash from your sidewalk.
Make a path. Fold a photo of a dead child
around your VISA card. Scoop your holy water
from the gutter. Gnaw your crust.
Mumble along like a crazy person, stumbling
your prayer through the streets.

~Ellen Bass

Another shooting at a school, this time in Oregon. Are we becoming inured to it?  We're helpless? Nothing will happen? Nothing will change? Gun laws won't change, can't change?

Reading Between the World and Me, by Ta-Nehisi Coates. He's coming to Town Hall here but already sold out. Astonishing book.

The Peace of Wild Things

BY WENDELL BERRY

When despair for the world grows in me

and I wake in the night at the least sound

in fear of what my life and my children’s lives may be,

I go and lie down where the wood drake

rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.

I come into the peace of wild things

who do not tax their lives with forethought

of grief. I come into the presence of still water.

And I feel above me the day-blind stars

waiting with their light. For a time

I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.

In bed (again) with a rotten cold. I just finished with a rotten cold only to get another one. And this time, I'm quite grumpy about it. I have things to do, places to go, babies to deliver! I think flying isn't good for me but it's the fastest way to get from place to place. Recycled air loaded with germs in planes.  What's up with my immune system anyway? Too many years of sleepless nights???

I sound like an old man who has smoked for 40 years. Felix is terribly bored with me so I'll take him for a walk in my sweats.

The hot tub is being delivered next week. Last night I got up and took a bath. Water, the great soother. With a hot tub, I'll be able to immerse myself without throwing water away every time.

Beautiful day outside. Time to take the Felix to the park and shop for food which will miraculously heal me.

Just home from a daytime birth, lovely with the great-grandma, grandma, two sisters and their kids there.

Pretty pretty babies this family makes. So nice to have a normal birth in the daytime, no less. 

I'm home and eating leftover pho with added veggies. And I think I'll have a lie down even tho I didn't lose sleep. Flew to southern California over the weekend for this:

Damn, it was hot and dusty. The wedding was swell. The best part was my sis and ex-husband were there---and we had a grand time dancing and hanging out, admiring my brother who raised the bride from the time she was about 4 years old. He walked her down the aisle and what a proud man he was to be hosting her wedding. 

Annie and I roamed the wee town, went to the movies and found a massive swimming pool (50 meter length!!!) to cool off in. When you're used to 25 meters, 50 meters is an enormous distance. Loved it. We talked and talked. We made a pact not to let time and distance get in the way of communicating. Annie, I know you're reading this, ain't it so?!

Life rolls on. I am about to have a deck out the back of the house. I will step out my bedroom door into the hot tub. Yeah!!! So what if my debt is eternal. 

My new sweetheart is more and more wonderful. She came and got the Felix for a run today while I was working. He seems actually tired. And she continues to like me. She left me a note on my pillow...

All in all, a good day.

Dear hearts-my house is lime green, deep pink, sky blue and coral.

It looks like a preschool.

I don't care.

When I figure out how to transfer pictures from my phone to my new computer, I'll show you.

Today I have ferns in my antlers too.

The sun is highlighting the clouds through my bedroom window. I still give thanks I'm not living in the cave anymore.

Hugo took a trip to the vet as he has lost a hideous amount of weight. The vet gave him fluids and drew blood. He's got a 'confusing' blood panel and he could have pancreas problems or a heart issue but there is nothing to do for either. After I brought him home, he ate huge amounts of food. Actually, every time I see him, I feed him. Lola is pissed off but her figure is a bit more svelte. Anyway, a sign that Hugo was feeling better was the wee pile of entrails on the kitchen floor this morning. Sigh.

I am having a blast with my new g'friend. Yesterday we went to a quiet suburban lake so she and her friends could paddle board and I could kayak. She came over to help me load the boat and it was SO MUCH EASIER with two people. I've been so used to doing everything by myself, it's been challenging to a) ask for help and b) have help offered out of the blue. I've been running my business, managing the home front complete with a remodel which will never be done and caring for myself and assorted animals alone. Mostly, it's fine. And then I start a relationship with this new person who is offering to be part of all this and I'm flabbergasted. Really. I don't know how to act.

She brought up all my art supplies from the basement so now I can put my studio together.

She likes me. She thinks I'm great.

Wow.

Hanging at the birth center, waiting on a momma who just met us last week and here today on her due date in labor. Whew. She transferred after seeing the 'birth center' in the hospital where she was planning to deliver. Nope, too much like a hospital. She wants a nice peaceful experience away from the hospital vibe. Now her insurance might not cover us (arghh) but she's here, she's lovely and we do free care sometimes.

She's walking up and down stairs with her man and her sister. Moaning with contractions. Felix is spending another night with Randy, the best dog person in the whole world.

My house painter almost fell off the ladder last week and now she has scaffolding. Sheesh, no more episodes, ok? We were all there: her son, my contractor and I.  We grabbed the ladder and coaxed her down. She was hanging from a soffit on the second floor. She said my voice was the one she listened to because I used my birth voice on her.

Lights, radio, double locks, don't fail me now.

And blue doors please. Sky blue doors.

It's a new day at the Coyote household. There will be motion detection lights in the back yard and keyed locks. There are timers on the lights and locks on the gates in the front. Before I get an alarm system, I've done what I can.

I replaced my computer. Had to. I did leave the dog alone tonight because I'm at a birth.

I'm digging up the yard bit by bit, turning over the sod and breaking up the clay. We took out the sidewalk so getting to the front door is interesting, especially after it rains. Yes, rain, beautiful rain, lovely rain. I have one dahlia in full bloom, a gift from the previous owners. It's huge and bright red. Dahlias, the hussies of the flower world. Big and brassy and fabulous.

Hugo, my gorgeous big cat, has gotten quite skinny. He was such a killer for the summer but not recently. I fear we need a trip to the vet. Maybe he's just old. I've had him for 12-13 years and who knows how old he was when he showed up in my back yard.

Animals...

Thievery and mayhem

Dear thieves who broke into my house, hosed my dog so he'd stay back and flooded the floors with water, stole my computer, my grandmother's silver, my grandfather's gold ring, my Kindle and a few other pieces of jewelry---

You must be desperate. I've stolen in my life. I've stolen food when I was homeless and poor. I've taken things that weren't mine for the taking.

I told a lot of people about the theft and their reactions were like this:

"Bastards!"

"I'm buying an alarm system for my house."

"I'm so sorry."

"Do you have motion lights?"

"Go to the pawn shops and or Craig's list and look for your stuff."

Dear thieves-Thank you for not hurting my dog or trashing the new walls or breaking windows. Both the katz are here and accounted for. Thank you for dropping a lot of jewelry in the driveway as you fled. Nothing valuable but gifts from friends. Thank you for reminding me how important it is to back up my computer. I have an external hard drive that I used as recently as May, hooray for me. Thank you for reminding me that my business is doing well enough to pay for another computer, and for that I'm grateful. Thank you for the opportunity to talk with my neighbors and to warm them to be safe and lock up.

The second precept encourages one to "refrain from taking that which is not freely offered." Apples on the ground are freely offered? Discuss amongst yourselves. The second precept also discusses generosity as the two go hand in hand.

Im my situation, what is being offered to me? Forgiving the thieves, who are probably between the ages of 11-17, according to the police who were here. Allowing myself to feel sad that I won't be passing along stuff from my maternal line to my children. It is just stuff, after all. Continuing to be generous in all the ways that I can. Generous with my time. Generous with my resources. Generous with my love. I hope I don't sound hopelessly naive. I'll still lock my doors. I'll consider hiding my computer when I leave the house. But I still need to forgive my younger desperate self the food I stole. And the unseen young (probably) men who entered my house, riffled my underwear drawer, and made away with some objects I was hoping to give to my children.

Those young men have learned to break and enter. What else will they learn as they grow up?

IT RAINED LAST NIGHT AND IT'S SUPPOSED TO RAIN TODAY.

PRAISE BE TO ALL THE BEINGS THAT MADE THIS HAPPEN.

Our poor Eastern Washington with huge wildfires, the smoke so thick the air in Seattle has been bad; hazy, hot and red suns in the morning and red moons at night. Firefighters have lost their lives. Houses have burned up. Of course there is no mention of all the creatures who have died. And the forests-all those trees. Great suffering in all ways. Relentless hot days, day after day after day.

I am performing a wedding on Saturday. Rehearsal dinner and run-through tomorrow. The young couple moved their ceremony from Eastern WA because of the all the fires and evacuations. They say it will rain for a few days. We expect the rain. We welcome it. It's part of our collective mystique.

And I caught a cold after a birth I did on Tuesday. Guzzling all sorts of symptoms suppression and tea and tylenol-the usual stuff. As long as I can get through the service without sneezing, coughing or blowing my nose.

I went to the lake early this morning with my kleenix and cough syrup to meet Houston on her paddle board. When Felix and I got there, she was nowhere in sight. Eventually she appeared, coming silently across the lake. Lake Washington is huge, y'all. A mirage woman on the quiet lake.

Even though I feel crappy, gotta go water my wee plants in my p-patch.

Then back to bed with my hankies and movies.

No contractors for two weeks. Exterior paint and then the deck gets built. Then a break while I figure out how to re-do the kitchen cheaply. I might just tear out everything and live in stud cavities. I'm used to it. And when you have an actual house, you have to clean it. Lola has already herked up a hairball under the bed on the new floor. It's like getting a dent in your new car.

Now I can relax.