Saturday, April 04, 2015

A warm April day. Stayed in bed until 10:30!!!! almost a record. My body feeling every bit of her 65 years today. Achey knees, sore back, easily winded, sprained finger throbbing and inflexible. Anxiety my friend and companion. An email from the owner of the birth center where my clinic is-raising the rent $300 a month and by the way, they'll be out of town for a week (in Maui) so get back to him with any comments after they get back. Ha!

I can't figure out the whole thing. I'm privileged to live in a house. I have enough food. I'm white in a white dominated culture. I have health and dental insurance. I'm pretty healthy. I'm fortunate enough to have and care for pets. I can spend time going to retreats. I will somehow manage to go to the UK with my children this summer. My problems are 'First World problems' as they say in my POC sangha.

And yet I'm afraid. I'm afraid that my business will fail. I'm afraid I'll end up old and alone. I'm afraid I'll outlive my meager savings. (whine, whine, whine)

Where's the joy in all this?

I planted hostas, a crab apple and a hydrangea today. In my new yard. Felix found every muddy trench on our walk on the Chief Sealth trail, an asphalt trail under the power lines that winds and climbs through my 'hood.  The white dog with black paws, that's my dog.

On my mantle is a beautiful hand carved Quan Yin, her clothing lifted by the winds and her feet held  by the surging waves. In her hand she holds a vase dipping downward symbolizing spilling the waters of compassion. She Who Hears The Cries of The World.

Beside her is the awful photo of Michael Brown's father wailing at his son's grave. surrounded by other mourners.

We all suffer. We all have the capacity for joy. And between those two places we swing.


Elizabeth said...

Suffering is universal, and I just hope the acknowledgement of our own sometimes limited perspective is enough to not damn those of us who are so privileged. Does that make sense? That photo of you with that big baby is incredible. What's most incredible is that you're 65!!!! You look far younger -- not just physically but light-wise, coming out of your eyes and pores. And that baby has to be the luckiest little person in the world right now to have been ushered in by the likes of you.

Birdie said...

Beth, you are not alone in your feelings. A few days back I discovered I owed a little in income taxes; just $125.00 but I started crying. I never go anywhere or do anything. I don't go to get my hair done or buy jewelry. I don't remember the last time I bought new clothes with the exception of scrubs for work. I was angry. I work for the sole purpose of eating and keeping a roof over my head. I am tired every single day. It is discouraging. I am angry because I checked all the boxes. I got married and had babies and got an education and I pay all my bills every month. I don't break the law. I don't smoke or drink or do illegal drugs. Shouldn't I get something for all that? Apparently the answer is no. One of my nurse leaders thinks I should become an LPN but I wonder if it is worth it because then I am stuck with student loans. The newest thing in my province is you lose your drivers license if you don't pay back your student loan on time. WTF?

OK, I have grumbled enough. I do understand. We are supposed to live in the best countries in the world and yet....

lily cedar said...

I read your blog but seldom comment. It's nice to see your face and that baby is lovely. At one time I would have loved to be a midwife but labor and delivery scared me during my nurses training. Now I care for those leaving this world.

And worries, yeah, I worry too. I think that's universal.

Birdie said...

Just how big was that baby?

Joanne said...

It's not at all that I ignored everything you said in your post. What I want to comment on is that you're so pretty and you look so natural holding that infant. I like you instantly. From your kindness from your writing and now seeing you with the baby. Your humanity just shines through.