Thursday, August 21, 2008

I feel mentally ill this morning. It's because of no sleep. I sleep about 4 hours a night. This is a poor situation for a midwife. I listen to a 'calming' cd and I think that is the problem. The cd makes me want to scream. Not sleeping makes me want to scream. The skylight makes me want to scream. My anger that recently surfaced makes me vibrate, a kind of high pitched whining sound, which makes me want to scream. I have been listening to the sound track from Mamma Mia! nonstop and you say, aha! that's why you feel this way. Mahler might be a better choice. But I am compelled. Every time I get in my car, I put on the damn cd. The songs are so bouncy and trite, they don't even use real instruments fer chrissake. I don't think the piano is real. The issue here is that I am driving to Portland today and I don't want to fall asleep at the wheel. Woman found today in overturned car, kayak smashed into the roof, soundtrack from Mamma Mia ! blasting.

Gawd.

My anger-this ain't no righteous indignation, baby. This is a flame thrower, Mount St Helens, an eternally burning lake, a nuclear explosion, stings from a million bees, a tsumani of papercuts. Seattle has been raining, at least if I spontaneously combust, the rain might put me out. I wonder how long I can a.) be this angry b.) be this sleep deprived and c.) listen to Mamma Mia! every effing day?

Without you, I am an incubus, a mini-bus, a blunderbuss.

Amen

5 comments:

April said...

"Woman found today in overturned car, kayak smashed into the roof, soundtrack from Mamma Mia! blasting."

I love you.

beth coyote said...

thanks, I love you too.

GoGo said...

Listened to a PTSD tape once 'cause I got some of that and it made me anxious. Switched up to Erin McKweon's "Fast as I can" song...totally calmed me down. If mama mia works, do it!

When I feel that kind of anger, I find myself a physical activity...one that exhausts the body in cathartic bursts.

beth coyote said...

thanks gogo, I have some metal techno that sounds like a car wreck, very cathartic.

Maggie May said...

blunderbuss is such a good word.

i feel that way when i listen to 'calm down' cd's too. i've always been like that. i think it's because my father (a nightmare) used to try to sing me lullabies. there is nothing freakier than a monster singing a lullaby.