Saturday, May 03, 2008

in my last suicide group, I uttered blasphemy. People were going on and on about their beloved whoever and I blurted out, "but my brother was a shit". I don' t have fond memories of him, no I don't. He abused his stepkids, he broke his wife's nose, he was a drunk for most of his life. I can still be sad. I can still mourn him. But I don't have to make up some story about his wonderful life or what a great guy he was. He wasn't a great guy. He was a tortured guy who figured out the only way to stop feeling the pain was to hang himself and let the kids find him. And leave a 5 page suicide f-u note. Maybe I'm a little angry. Maybe I'm being truthful because there is no other way. To live.

I am grateful other people are coming over and taking care of Ramey. I would just like to go somewhere and be alone. Like on an island. Where there are no people. Like Alaska. Me and the bears.


Radish King said...

If what you said in your group was indeed blasphemy, you might want to find another group. Suicides are troubled. Surely your brother was not the first unkind person to take that way out. I find it troubling and sad that the group would react in any but a supportive way.

beth coyote said...

even the facilitator said...well, you can miss the possibilities...whatever. I can be grumpy if I want, so there. thanks, r.


Pippi L. said...

DEFINITELY be grumpy - AND it shocks me that nobody in your group joined you in the reality check. AND I'm glad folks are helping take care of Ramey. oxo, L.