in my last suicide group, I uttered blasphemy. People were going on and on about their beloved whoever and I blurted out, "but my brother was a shit". I don' t have fond memories of him, no I don't. He abused his stepkids, he broke his wife's nose, he was a drunk for most of his life. I can still be sad. I can still mourn him. But I don't have to make up some story about his wonderful life or what a great guy he was. He wasn't a great guy. He was a tortured guy who figured out the only way to stop feeling the pain was to hang himself and let the kids find him. And leave a 5 page suicide f-u note. Maybe I'm a little angry. Maybe I'm being truthful because there is no other way. To live.
I am grateful other people are coming over and taking care of Ramey. I would just like to go somewhere and be alone. Like on an island. Where there are no people. Like Alaska. Me and the bears.