Monday, March 31, 2008

I lost my glasses today. Seward Park now has two pairs of my glasses. I was running and they slid out of my jacket. They are the practically invisible kind, I can put them down in the house and lose them so outside in the woods, it was hopeless. Do you know how much nature there is out there? Twigs and mud and dead leaves and new green things coming up. It was all too much. However, I had been looking for trillium and didn't see any. After I started looking for my glasses and going slowly, I saw them, trillium, under bushes and in the shadows. That's how they are, they hide.

Now I am wearing glasses I bought in the 60's at a junk store, round granny glasses, real silver and a prescription that is 10 years old. No wonder I have a headache. And I saw my therapist today and mostly cried the whole hour. I think they should give you a discount if you don't actually say anything. I mean, how much can a handful of kleenix cost? I realize that my brother is really dead and he will stay that way. And I believe that I could have saved him. Right. Even though I am walking 20 miles and raising money for suicide prevention, I don't really think suicide can be prevented, not like cancer or heart attacks. If you want to kill yourself, you will, you just will. But I persist in thinking I could have saved Geoff. By being better, more perfect, gawd. You jump into a hole and while you are falling, you realize the hole goes all the way to China and beyond. Actually, there is no end, you just keep falling. This continues to be not fun. Meanwhile, the cats are still on a diet and look no thinner. I think they are sneaking out at night and taking the car to Mc Donald's for fish 'n chips. They leave the empty wrappers on the lawn. Cat litterers. Then they sleep all day and give you those big round eye looks, 'what, us, we didn't do it, huh?' I'm leaving a camera around to record them, like at the ATMs. That'll show 'em.

2 comments:

Pippi L. said...

have you ever thought of rowing?????

beth coyote said...

I went rowing once and it was freaky, so tippy. I would end up in the drink, as they say and lose yet another pair of glasses...