and good will toward certain people that work at the apple store like Evan who fixed my problems, well not the bad hair problems but I was so pitiful because I dragged in the offending printer too and said basically I was going to sit on their little black stool until everything was fixed. And he fixed everything and I felt so grateful I was driving home and the sun was out just a bit and I realized the feeling I was having was happiness. Whoa.
Then I went to Martha's house and she has a watsu pool in her back yard and she did a watsu session with me. The water is body temperature and you get in and she swirls you around and sometimes takes you under water and she bends you all up and then she cradles you and swooshes you around some more. It was amazing when I closed my eyes and the sun burst out behind my eyelids and I thought about the whole amniotic thing which is, I think, the point. Martha wanted to know how I was doing and I told her I was OK and during the swooshing and floating I thought about my brother. He will never get to do watsu. I imagined him in the water floating around and crying and letting all the sadness go out. Then he could just worry about having pruney fingers. I don't always know what to say when someone asked about my 'feelings'. I think they are in a safe place for now. Monday I can go to suicide group again and I'll see how I do.
I personally recommend that in lieu of killing yourself, you have a bath until you are wrinkly and you've gotten the newspaper all wet and the tea is all gone.
It is a kindness to the rest of us.