When Holly and I were coming back from the monastery in Oregon, I started making jokes about suicide. She thought I was being tasteless but I realized that I can make jokes about suicide if I want to. I GET TO IF I WANT. Sometimes people say something like, " If I have to hear that song again, I'm going to kill myself", then they sneak a little look at me to see if I'm gonna get all upset, like, how insensitive can they be??? But it's OK, honestly. There is pain and weeping. Then there are moments of brightness, like the house around the corner from me that is completely covered with lights. They need a generator so the neighborhood doesn't blow. I always go see that house this time of year. It makes me happy to see Santa, reindeer, the baby Jesus, candy canes, stars and spiral Christmas trees all in one big kitschy lighted up mess.
That's why the shrink guy I saw last week isn't too worried about me. He thinks I'm resilient, I'm not going to crack up or try to off myself. It was reassuring to be with someone who had confidence in me. A hopeful sign.
By the way. At the Zen place, we learned to make origami lotus blossoms. It was like crafts hour at the home.