Apple pie in the oven, salad from the garden (!) and halibut wrapped in foil for the barbecue. Waiting for the company to get here. I am on a mission to make good crust. There are recipes for crust with egg in them, WTF. I didn't do that. Flour, butter, ice cold water and my granite countertop, yeah. Butter crust smells mighty good.

The back porch is hot, very hot.

Gotta get the MIL finished. My contractor is off on another job so naturally I'm anxious about him returning and finishing before August 1st. Plus I can't go down there without hazmat and a mask. Sheesh.

Sarah Vaughan has an astounding voice, yes she does. Jesus, her phrasing. I put the ole I-tunes on genius so I'm listening to stuff I don't usually cue up. DAMN. She can hold a note and then drop you off a cliff.

The 'o' on my keyboard is stiff. There's probably crumbs, dust, a very small mouse underneath it.

Lettuce is starting to bolt, as are the collards. We had a good run, the collards and I. Time to plant more.

Anxiety my old friend. Working with 'difficulty as teacher'. Bla.

Hi sister in Florida. See you in September!!! Looking forward to it.

Still in bed, feeling slightly guilty about it. Finally out of the woods financially, I think. I wrote a whole bit about the problem and just deleted it all. Can't talk about the details. It's been nip and tuck, I can tell you that. (my mother's expression)

Today I head to the basement to clear out the mess and do a dump run (fun!) Rick is doing a great job down there but damn, what a messy guy. My other contractors have been quite tidy, cleaning as they go but Rick, sheesh. Anyway, he's at another job so I can get down there and do some work.

We've had a major bunch of babies recently, running from one birth to another. I had the pleasure of seeing two babies for their final six week visits. I caught them and their older siblings. Very special.

It's gray and overcast here, a typical NW day.

After 47 years, my sister and I are good friends. That is, I believe, a miracle.

A day in the life:

Got to clinic to start the day. One midwife was already at a home birth with the student so I'm alone. Charts haven't been pulled. That's ok, I can figure that out. The laundry is upstairs unfolded but I'll get to that when I have a moment. I check messages to see if anyone has cancelled or needs to reschedule or wants to make a new appointment. Nope, all quiet.

My schedule opens up because the gal in labor had an appointment. My receptionist arrives and and listens to messages that came in while I was with clients. A dad has called to report that his wife is in labor and left the message on VM. Gawd. That was an hour before. I call him and he tells me she's very uncomfortable and is trying to poop but she can't (!!!!!!!!!!). I tell them to get to the clinic ASAP and I run around preparing a room, calling the third midwife to come in and seeing if the student can come from the other birth. I drag my equipment and scrubs into the clinic. And wait. And wait. We're standing by the window waiting for the family to arrive. Finally they do. She's not pushing, has plenty of time to go before the baby arrives. I go back to my clinic visits after the other midwife arrives.

I hear Lynn calling our receptionist from upstairs. Sounds urgent. Soon I hear an ambulance coming for the mom. The baby's heart tones are very low and they need to get her to the hospital NOW. Off they go, sirens wailing. Crash c/sec with a crying baby. Whew. The dad never even got into the building because he was parking the car while she was rushed into surgery.

Sheesh. After all that, we reassure ourselves that all is well. The dad should have called the answering service, thank god Justine listened to messages as soon as she got to clinic and I insisted that she come to the clinic immediately because she sounded like she was in active labor (or getting ready to push)....Gawd.

What a crazy job. What a crazy life.

Here in cloudy San Francisco with Maya and Milo  for Mother's Day. We're getting the greatest   response on our Facebook page from old clients with pictures of their little ones here .

Today we're gonna head for the beach even though Milo has a mountain of homework. Negotiations are currently underway.

I've received my current dosage of Dansko shoes from Maya. I deliberately left space in my luggage to bring them all back to Seattle. I wonder if there are Dansko sniffing dogs at the airport.

Breakfast is ready and I didn't cook it!!!

Dear ones,
We're in glorious Vancouver BC for the marathon. I'm only running/walking the 8 K because the 1/2 marathon is, frankly, a bit too much. So I downgraded today. As long as I don't come in last, I'll be happy.

I have arthritis in my right knee, y'all. I saw the sports medicine guy at my clinic and that's the news.  So I don't need dire surgery and recovery etc. The pain will come and go...ice, heat, aspirin. Somehow, I'm comforted knowing what it is. No more squats. Running not the wisest exercise. But I can do lots of other stuff.

Vancouver is a gorgeous city, ringed by mountains and water. There is a lot of $$ here, lots of wealthy young people in fancy cars and expensive clothes. Probably $$ from mom and dad. It's an interesting phenomenon, a second gilded age. There is always going to be greed, hatred and delusion in the human community. There is also going to be generosity, kindness and compassion. We make choices every day to be kind;  to notice our world in all it's diversity and sorrow and splendor.

My home sits on the Duwomish greenbelt and during sangha we acknowledge the debt we owe to a people who no longer have a land base. The trees I see from my back yard are newer trees. Of course the old growth trees are all gone. These trees are descended from the old giants. There are several streams that run through my little area too. My neighbor saw a coyote, a pair of hawks are nesting right below me and there are chickens that are backyard fugitives, wild chickens. Ivy has wrapped itself around many trees but the city and neighborhood school kids are helping to reclaim the woods, planting native plants and removing blackberry and ivy.

Eating from the garden now and it is such pleasure. To plant seeds in the earth that come up and become leaves and flowers and fruit. Next time I'd like to be a gardener. Gardeners just facilitate what is in constant motion, the life and death cycles of what lives all around us. Like midwives for plants. That's what I'd like to do next. Just remind me to wear gloves. I'm always forgetting.

Up after an all-nighter. I want to eat a hotdog. I won't because I don't eat hotdogs but I smell mustard and when I've been at a birth all night I have weird food cravings.

Baby Evie was a whopper at 9# 5oz. A lovely pink and chubby baby.

I've slept for about 4 hours so I'm up and pondering the day.

NO  OH NO.

I told betsy about this but I felt I should share it here.

There are bunnies in my neighborhood. After Easter, when everyone is tired of the bunny they got from Grandma, the bunnies are released to the GREAT OUTDOORS where they will presumably thrive and eat grass and newly planted vegetable starts.

I came home one night and a bunny was hopping about in my front yard. Then I saw a black and white bunny across the street. And finally, Felix and I often go into the alley to run and chase balls (well felix does anyway) and we found a smashed bunny.

We have been visiting the flattened bunny frequently and I can report that over time, decomposition happens. At first the flat bunny was recognizable as a rabbit but after a few days there was more fur and less, um, insides. Felix is mildly  interested in all the unraveling activity but because the bunny is essentially inert, he moves on to balls and other dogs who are barking at him from their yards.

And that, dear friends, is how it goes. We get run over and over time, we turn back into dirt. I expect we will continue to visit the flat bunny until there is nothing left except a bit of fur. O, the wonders of the microbiome!

Another unseasonably warm day in the NW. Creepy to have 80+ degrees in April. The apple trees are confused.

Just registered for a three week retreat in Burma next January. Hour long sits, beginning at 3:30 in the morning, two meals a day, no food after 12 noon, sitting and walking 10 hours a day.

What have I done???

First class airfare to Myanmar is $11,000+ round trip. Steerage is about $1,400. Uh, no contest. I'll just endure the billions of hours in the air, doubled over my tray table, pretending to sleep.

I owe two friends money. I borrowed from them last month in order to make payroll. Very scary. I've never had to borrow money before, not for my business. And I was ashamed that I had to ask for help. But they both offered, so willingly.

Now I feel like I have no business going half way around the world to sit in a monastery for three weeks. But I've gone and done it. As long as I keep up my end and pay my friends off in 2 years..hoping to be done in a year.

In other news, I'm cooking in my kitchen and I want to think I'll never take kitchens for granted again. Acres of countertops. Little drawers of silverware and knives. ****a dishwasher****

Honeys

We had three baby girls in the last three days. Lovely sweet births with lovely sweet families. And spring is on here in the NW. I picked lilacs and hyacinths in my alley across from my house and they are fragrance from my childhood-------------- Grandma Leiber used to baby sit us kids and she'd bring a huge bunch of lilacs to my mother, wrapped in tin foil.

She called our hands 'patties'. We were to wash our patties before dinner.

I'm so tired but it's good, a good tired.

Tonight we went to the cinema and watched 'Live From the Met'-Madame Butterfly and it was gorgeous and heartbreaking and during the intermissions some opera lady interviewed the principal singers and the noh dancers who moved puppets around magically. There was one singer who is singing all the Queen roles-Ann Boleyn, Elizabeth and Mary, Queen of Scots and she was interviewed too. She had, um, really bad hair and Houston and I laughed so hard we were snorting and crying and misbehaving so that Kristi kept scolding us.

Her hair was trying to leave her head.

I'm waiting on a baby. Story of my life.

I planted beets and fennel today. I can't tell you how much I love growing veggies right next to my house. When they get big enough, I can go out and pick dinner.

I ran/walked across the 520 bridge, the longest floating bridge in the world. Honest. The Guinness Book of  World Records was in town.

There must have been 30,000 people attending, including babies in strollers.

I got a tee-shirt. I came in before my friends who are 20+ years younger than I am.

I am still a badass even though I 'm pretty sure I have arthritis in my knee and in my right toe joint.

My kitchen is done and I have actually cleaned my house, except for my office. Save the best for last, as they say. I made banana bread last night. In my new kitchen . It was miraculous.

Plus most of my flowering trees and plants are, um, flowering. Also miraculous.

Once in a great while, I read a poem I wish I had written.

Like this:

THE BULL

He stood alone in my backyard, so dark
the night purpled around him.
I had no choice. I opened the door
& stepped out. Wind
in the branches. He watched me —
his eyes kerosene blue.
What do you want, I asked, forgetting I had
no language. He kept breathing,
to stay alive. But I was a boy
then. Which meant I was a murderer
of my childhood. & like all murderers, my god
was stillness. My god, he was still
there. He looked like something prayed for
by a priest with no mouth. The green-blue lamp
swirled in its socket. I didn’t
want him. I didn’t want him
to be beautiful — but needed beauty
to be more than hurt gentle
enough to hold. So I
reached for him. I reached — not the bull
but the depth. Not an answer but
an entrance the shape of
an animal. Like me.

— OCEAN VUONG

My current kitchen

 I have no idea where the cat is. Felix is in the bedroom because he would be bouncing around and barking with joy that there were several MEN in the house who could a) throw a ball or some skeechy dog toy b) give him a part of a sandwich or c) pet him and scratch behind his ears.

The main guy told me they might not be done by today. The countertops are supposed to go in tomorrow. I don't at this time care. Because there is PROGRESS, I am delighted, overjoyed, ridiculously happy as I sit in my horrible dusty living room with all my kitchen detritus around me.

As in:

There is a kitchen sink in my future. And countertops. And drawers to put things. 

I still haven't opened the GS mint cookie box. I have self control. 

As a testament to my mental health, I have an UNOPENED box of thin mint Girl Scout cookies on the (incredibly dusty) piano. I bought them yesterday from the pet store lady who is shilling for her GS daughter.

I have, in my day, inhaled the entire box. In one go.

In case you can't read that, a 'serving size' is 4 cookies and 4 cookies = 160 calories. There are 8 'servings' per box so therefore, an entire box of cookies =1280 calories. Basically the majority of my caloric needs for the day. 

SO

I can just go ahead and eat the whole box, take a few vitamins, drink some water and call it good.

I'm becoming a bit unhinged. If I don't get a kitchen this weekend, I might have a breakdown that won't be pretty. 

So y'all have been warned.

'Woman found passed out amidst a large pile of thin mint GS cookies. She was taken to Harborview where she remains under observation. Apparent GS cookie poisoning victim.'

March 20th is the day the people come with a truck and cabinets and countertops which they install with crown moulding and floor vents and drawer pulls. I will have a kitchen. Then the horrible mess that is my house can go back to semi-normal.

The basement/MIL is another issue but is being worked on as we speak. The bathroom is done and the wee kitchen has plumbing.

Now all I need is enough $$ to make payroll this month and life will be sweet. Every year, this month is a crunch with $$ and I freak out. Rolling anxiety, gnawing worry, etc etc. Then the checks start coming in again regularly and I relax.

In the meantime, I'm a hot mess. My sister told me a story about a person in her Overeater's Anonymous group who buttered her Oreos.

Right now I'm having a buttered Oreo kind of day.

Today was opera/spa day. A friend and I went to the movies for a "Live From the Met" of Puccini's Manon Lescaut. Ok, I blubbered my way through the third and fourth acts. She does die, after all. Gorgeous singing. And the production takes you back stage to watch scene changes and talk with the singers and the conductor. It was us and a lotta old people. I know, I am approaching the old people situation myself. All this for 20 bucks. Much cheaper than the real opera.

Then spa time. I"m squeezed, pressed, humidified and pulverized. With olive oil, cream, cucumbers and honey. Really. I taste sweet tonight.

When I got home, there was a bunny in my yard. Is he/she eating my plants? What to do? Last year it was moles. But bunnies? Dang.

I've been looking at wedding dresses on-line. You can look like a cupcake, an hourglass or a slut in white. And so expensive!!

Since I am in the house with your basic rotten cold, I'm today making my way through all the Harry Potter films. It's several hours worth of entertainment. It's either that or Angels in America, a 6 hour extravaganza.

My fridge is stuffed with food, I have tinctures, tea, clean hankies and Felix at my knee. My sweetheart has been quite solicitous as well and my clinic schedule has been rearranged so I don't have to work for the next few days.

Tomorrow the workmen come back and the banging and hammering and sanding will begin again. Such is my little life.

Crocus are coming up as are the tulips. There are no daffodils but I'll remedy that in the fall. Buds are swelling on other plants and weeds are appearing as well. I have to admire weeds for getting an early start.

Uh-oh, maybe a cold is creeping up on me. I've been so healthy as my two partners have sickened and collapsed. We had seven babies in seven days plus clinics and home visits. And now we have a break with no one in dates, as they say. No one who is 37 weeks yet. Ah, a break. Time to get sick for a bit?

Downing elderberry tincture, astragalus and cough drops. And kombucha. I even bought a 'growler' of kombucha. I have no idea if it is really good for me but it is tasty.

Houston and I went to the ocean for my early birthday/Valentine's Day. Because we are idiots, we turned our backs on the ocean and the ocean obligingly sent in a large wave that knocked the dogs down and filled up our boots. This while the weather was blustery and rainy and cold. RaaJaa, the dachshund rallied valiantly but sheesh.  He's a shorty. We walked on the beach anyway while RaaJaa gave us the stink-eye. Honestly, we were soaked. We stopped to empty out our boots and squeeze out our socks. Of course the boots stayed wet the entire weekend.

The last Republican debate was the most amazing shit show. And that's all I'll say.

Watched a docu last night about the Freedom Riders in the the South in 1961. Incredible. I was eleven. Courage and bravery; multiple arrests and awful beatings. Young men and young women. Finally the Kennedys got involved and the National Guard.

The next push in the remodel saga. The basement has a new beautiful bathroom and doors and lighting. Hoorah. Next down there will be a kitchen and painting walls and ceilings. Then there's the upstairs kitchen. All kitchen stuff is spread around the house, ah yes. Covered with sheetrock dust. There is a new ceiling and a doorway has been eliminated. Most exciting are cabinets, countertops and a new sink, already paid for that will be installed in a day, very cheaply. Windows and the exterior will have to wait.

Ok, are these hot flashes or do I have a fever?

Shit.

At a labor. Sitting in a bedroom in the dark listening to the mother breathing and moaning.

This job is crazy.

I live in the south end. The family lives way the hell and gone on the other side of the most rapidly growing city in the universe. AND there were school busses. AND accidents. AND it's raining (natch). I used up my curse words getting here. And I was saying not nice things about school children who were getting on/off the yellow busses.

Ok, be here now. Not in traffic anymore. Just here with this family and a new human.