My Little Golden Book of Phobias

I've lost the paper with the amount I'm supposed to pay for my very first car payment (in years, in a long time). I smoked a cigarette. (blech). I've been eating weird because I won't be eating much very soon. My student told me she ate rice and peanut oil for 9 months when she was in the Sudan because she didn't know what the 'meat' item was. She said her stomach stuck out a lot by the time she came home. I'm eating avocados and coconut bliss ice cream and vegetables and apples and cookies. I have a pre Haiti eating disorder. My kitchen and dining room are really messy now, very messy and full of medicine and bug spray and dried food and piles of clothing and gauze and more medicine and baby clothes and water purifier stuff and headlamps and a battery powered fan and throw away phones. Oh, and a pile of money in small bills. It looks like a demented clinic where you only go if you're desperate and you dragged yourself there over broken rocks for days. I feel deranged. I am deranged. Michael is going to cut my hair tomorrow. Maybe he can put me back together. I'm heading for the cave high up on the mountain where the tigers live. I'm not ready. Too bad. All the wheels are whirring and grinding and the centrifugal force is more powerful than I am. So I'm disappearing by degrees. By. Degrees.