It's been a day. No longer going to the store, no longer spending time with my people except virtually. Hanging with the dog and cat. Gave the dog an horrendous haircut but at least he can see. I'll be doing the same to my own head soon enough. I allow myself one long walk a day with Felix, zigzagging down the street to avoid being near to other people. Talked so much on the phone I ran out of power. Counting down the days until I can consider myself out of danger with no contact with others. I figure about 6 more days. In the meantime, every slight throat tickle, every cough brings cold dread into my body.
Started with a virtual guided meditation from some sweet nuns who live in California. They guided us and then let us talk to them/each other. I blubbered as I talked: about my fear, my sadness for leaving my midwife life in such a sudden way, selfishness that I'm not on the front lines with other first responders and feeling useless at home conducting virtual visits with prenatal and postpartum folks. And consults, so many consults. Women are so fearful to deliver in the hospital, they are considering home birth or birth center birth. How awful to be the parents of young children, babies right now. Talked with a dear friend who is a dharma teacher and she reminded me that my feelings of selfishness are sorta self-centered, that I can let go of my 40+ year career as a midwife and let others do the work. That doing what I can to save my own life is ok, there is more to come, I may have more usefulness and that death is inevitable. Of course we all know that. Being able to look directly at that reality has never felt more immediate than now. Swinging from panic to calm to 'normal' back to panic again. It's exhausting.
I've actually written a list of 'things to do if I am unable to because I'm sick in the hospital or I'm dead-caring for the animals, where is my will, who to contact, etc. I asked my teacher if this is a compressed course of "A Year to Live" and she said certainly.
Mary, my teacher, also reminded me to feel the grief, maybe the selfishness is really grief. So I broke down again and fell into the grace of her loving words. Ah, the suffering of this world. The oddness of the beautiful weather as spring breaks forth over us all and the plague crawling through the human community, picking us off. I won't even comment on the slow and misguided response of those in power. It helps no one. I'm grateful Washington State has a good governor who is doing his best to make rational decisions. I think martial law might come as the numbers continue to climb.
I volunteered to sew masks for our health care workers on the front lines.
Tonight Maya and I watched two episodes of Outlander while on FaceTime. It's our thing. We sync up our computers and watch together.
Lots of food was delivered yesterday by dear friends. I'm good for a while. A little worried about cat food but Felix has three months of food. I wish Lola would eat dry food that she then wouldn't barf up. Sheesh.
Well, I feel like I just vomited all this up. It's the anxiety talking. I'm not in a constant state of panic. It comes and goes. That's how feelings are. When I was still going to the pool almost every day, one of my hot tub pals said, "It's been a good life. I've lived a long time...." I'm just not there. I don't want to die just yet but we don't get to choose that one, do we?
For those of you who stuck it out all the down to here, (and of those who didn't), may you all be safe and well and feeling supported by those who love you. Our world is no longer one we recognize and if we are together on the other side of this human catastrophe, we will be changed. We are changed.
May all beings be free from their suffering. May all beings be well. May my love be with you.
6 comments:
We all feel like this. We've all been told we may die, it's unlikely that it will be you or me but of course there is a chance. But that same chance exists crossing the street or driving your car.
Everything you wrote, I feel too. Thank you for sharing your fears. It helps to know I'm not alone.
I am swinging from emotion to emotion too. Thinking that Glen and I need to get our affairs more in order.
Who could have imagined this? I'm sure that many people could have. Just not most of us.
Don't be ashamed of your feelings. We come by them honestly. We are getting up, we are doing things. We are tending to our own little worlds as best we can. What more can we do, Beth? Here's my virtual hand. Let's hang on.
You've articulated exactly the cycle of feelings and thoughts running through my own head. That gives comfort. You are so wise, and I deeply appreciate the words of wisdom from your teachers. They help more than you might realize.
It's not easy. What a lesson for us to learn, how fragile life is.
Be well. Take care.
Dear blog friends. Thank you for coming here and reading, maybe finding some comfort in our common humanity.
We all do want the same things. And when we are faced with a pandemic that isn't ''over there' on some other shore but here, lurking among us, we feel the immediacy, the fragility that is the truth of our lives.
Love is all we have. Really after all. As Ram Das said after his stroke, "It's all love. "
Beth feeling the same cycling through the same panic at every scratchy throat every springy sneeze. Do you order Felix food through chew.com? They are busy but only a few days out for ordering. We will keep on as long as we can.
Love
Rebecca
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