Thursday, December 14, 2017


am said...

"... I know what men can do when they are angry ,,," (a voice from the TIME video)

And I am no longer living in fear of them.

Thank you for sharing the voices of these women and men.

Along the same lines, although not about inappropriate sexual touching, I also know what women who feel alone and powerlesss can do when they are angry. The first person that I know of who was angry and alone and powerless who assaulted me and my sisters was my mother. I have little doubt that her sexual boundaries were violated previous to that. My father, as far as I could see, was mostly absent and benign. I grew up terrified of my own mother. It never occurred to me that a man would attack me until at age 21, I was crouched defensively on the floor shouting as loud as I could to the man I loved, "NO!!!!!! YOU CAN'T HIT ME!!!!! He stopped hitting me. He never hit me again. Our relationship was irrevocably broken that day. Years later he said with respect, "You stood up to me." He was a man who was brutally beaten as a child by both his mother and his father. He was a man who was molested by a man when he was a boy. He was a man who died as a result of drug addiction and alcoholism.

So much is being brought to light in these discussions. I did not expect my mother's violence to come up for me in this context, but it has today.

am said...

Much to my surprise, during sitting meditation after my first comment, I had a vivid memory of inappropriate sexual touching of me by my mother when I was in my late teens. I had never fully acknowledged how completely inappropriate it was until this morning. I was not allowed to have any boundaries with my mother. I didn't realize I was being touched inappropriately. I am also recalling that I always had an "icky" feeling when my mother kissed me on the lips. I had no idea that I could say to her that I didn't want to be kissed by her on the lips until I was nearly 40 years old. Up until that time, I had been bulimic and anorexic since my late teens and on diets since I was 10 years old, which was when I had my first menstrual period and sensed my parents' dismay at my budding sexuality. Once I stopped throwing up and starving myself at age 37, I began to separate from my mother. I wonder if she ever forgave me for setting boundaries with her. Up until that time, because I was the oldest daughter, I was designated as the executor of her will. After I set boundaries with her, she changed her will and made my middle sister her executor. Now I am wondering what happened to my mother that left her without appropriate boundaries with me.

Thank you for helping me get in touch with my first experiences of inappropriate sexual boundary violations, their repercussions, and my moment of enlightenment today and awareness of my freedom to go forward without fear.

I certainly didn't expect to be writing these things down this early morning

beth coyote said...

Dear AM-

Thank you for your post. As women, the experience we are now having in the nation is one of relief, dismay, anger, sadness and 'me too'.

You are not alone. You survived. We survived. We believe one another. And if anything good has come from the predator in the White House, it is this movement. We will not be silenced any longer.

****go forward without fear***** May your liberation be sweet.

XX Beth