Dear darllings-

First off, Clark is back from the wilds of Maine so I have my swim buddy back. I might go to a 'prom' with him tomorrow night. Any excuse to dance, I say. 

I just yelled at the dog again for getting on my bed. He will NEVER learn. Never, Just like when he drops the ball after he's retrieved it and leaves it under a tree way down yonder. And poodles are supposed to be smart. He knows I'm mad at him but he doesn't know why. Sheesh.

In a few weeks, I marry Diane. The mere thought of it makes me weepy. And I have to say words. In front of her and my immediate family. It's just too much. And she will say words back to me. How can I possibly get through it without becoming a complete puddle? After all these years. At least I won't do something stupid like wear makeup that would run down my face. 

Very warm here. The lake is delicious. 

Oh, just reminded that it's the 4th. UG. War zone time in the hood. Poor Felix and the birds and other creatures.  

I have actually written through one interview and am part-way through another. My rule-no writing homework after evening. Then I can do what I want. Lately, I'd like to do a full moon swim. Sounds fun, right? I just have to convince a few other to come with me. Yeah!

Much love always.

 My latest trick is to move papers from one side of my desk to the other. Then I feel that I have accomplished **something**.

I just started a book called "Elderflora: A Modern History of Ancient Trees. The author is obviously brilliant. He uses words like phytocentric and dendrochronologists and apocalypticism. In spite of this, this rather thick brick of a book is exceptional. Perhaps he can write my thesis for me. 

People, I have to get serious. I have distracted myself enough. ENOUGH. I've even lost my keys twice, the second time for real. At least we have a new midwife in the practice so I'm getting a bit of a break there. 

Tonight I will dance with my people. And all will be well. Dance=life. 

 Ok, so I have become very creative with distracting myself from THE THESIS. Herein referred to as TT. Ug. I read some, I write some random trash, rinse, repeat. When I wrote my final paper for midwifery school, it was easy (well, pre-computer!). I would go to the medical school library, copy articles on the wheezing copy machine and come home, sit on my bed with the typewriter on my lap and type. I'd have to start over with any mistake. Sheesh. But I go it done because it was a discrete topic. This time, I'm trying to encapsulate my life experience with Buddhism, Feminism, earth chaplaincy and elder women. Gawd. Really? I'm tired already.

This elderberry is in my yard and as you can see, covered with flowers. That's all I want to say about Buddhism, green chaplaincy and elder women. Just that.

 Since yesterday I have been in the birth center with a mom and her husband. She finally got into active labor with the help of a castor oil cocktail and breaking her water bag. She is not happy now, after laughing for many hours and having mild contractions. My partner and I worry that after all this time, she won't be able to give the big effort as labor gets more intense and finally she pushes the baby out. She had a tub, nitrous, support from her husband and doula and us. Jen and I are pretty tired. Poor Felix has been in the house all day, with a few pee breaks. I can only imagine his anxiety. My neighbors have been lovely to let him out at walk him but he misses me. Nothing to be done. 

Tomorrow is a clinic day and I'm hoping to get home for some hours of sleep. Sheesh. This is exactly why I'm done with this crazy life. I'm tired, we're going on 24 hours and she's pretty far from delivery, the specter of a transfer always there. 

So what am I grateful for? Lets see. The sun was out all day. The baby inside this mother has great heart tones. This baby has some nice and sweet parents. My fellow midwife is someone I haven't known very well and now I do. We've told birth stories (she's the mother of 9 kids) and laughed and supported one another through the care and choices we are offering this family. 

I don't want to push too hard because I'm tired. It's such a fine line between offering sage advice and recommending something that may not land or work. Midwifery is a creative process and I've learned how to be a human being because of it. Patience. Intuition. Forbearance. Wisdom. Humor. Deep listening. All of it. My first training in letting go. In trusting the process. And knowing what to do when situations are scary. 

So I'm grateful for the opportunity to, as they say in my chaplaincy training, come alongside an intense experience of another traveller. To give birth. To pass through the doorway. To be born.

 Dear friends-As you may know, my car is being repaired to the tune of $3600. I know, yikes. Well, I asked when I dropped it off if they could take out a scratch in the read fender while it was there in the shop. They just sent an estimate of $2100 for that. WTF??????!!!!!! It included the roof, the back door, replacing  a bunch of 'panels', etc. I responded with surprise and dismay, of course. The guy said they have to be able to 'certify' the repair so that's what it costs. 

Again I say, WTAF-A stands for actual. 

So I will live with a scratch in my bumper, thank you very much.

I will have to give up the Audi of fever dreams, the Audi that drives itself with the Bang and Olafsen sound system and the automatic sun roof and the keyless ignition and so on. I mean. I shouldn't be driving a car this nice. Not with a dog and gardening tools rolling around in the back. Honestly. 

It's cooled off here but Clark and I have been swimming in the lake anyway. Heaven.

 Dear ones-

Warm and sunny, like California. That's what we have here. Clark and I will venture into the lake on Sunday, with a wet suit, by golly.

Reading some Pierre Teilhard de Chardin, a Catholic priest who believed in evolution and the natural world as sacred. His writings and beliefs are blowing me away. As John Muir before him, they were practicing union or merging or ecstasy in oneness. Before I float away here, I am living this experience sometimes. As did/do artists and writers and those in the spiritual life. Leonard Cohen's 'secret cord'. William Blake's drawings and poetry. Van Gogh's sunflowers. (altho that could have been cadmium poisoning).

I am trying, without success, to explain or encapsulate these embodied musings into some kind of form (form in the formless) for my thesis. Seems impossible. My advisor gave direction and used two words, 'interesting' and 'courageous' to describe my formative ideas. Oh dear. What do I do with that? A friend suggested that I just write and I might write into the answer. 

For the time being, I am reading three books at once and pretending I don't have a deadline.

And I am writing my half baked ideas here. 

Does that count?

What IS the sound of one hand clapping?

Or as my teacher once asked- Who hears?

Love forever,

Shoun (Luminous Cloud)

 Does anyone here care about the coronation? I thought not.

There have been 202 mass shootings in the good ole USA so far this year. Does anyone care about THIS?

Jeezus.

My knee has osteoarthritis and I dropped my cell phone on my little toe and I think I broke it. I really think this behavior should stop. I mean really. This is ridiculous. 

Darlings, I've been gardening which includes hauling bags of mulch and pulling acres of weeds. Today my dear Clark and I take a road trip to Scenic Beach on the Hood Canal (a tributary of Puget Sound-salty) to have a picnic and drive in the Audi of excess, the car I have right now. We will sing and play tunes loudly and enjoy each other. 

An old girlfriend of Eden's is now a guy. He is a Hollywood person who was in The L Word. He's here for a Trans film festival and we have been hanging out. It's been SO FUN. Last night I attended a film with three young queer actors that was brilliant. They are children being kids as well as dealing with their queer selves and supporting each other. There is beauty in their world as well as danger. Danger was a current running throughout the story. And yet, there was this innocence.. 

Before that I attended a queer kickball final that was hilarious. Felix barked and I cheered for my team (we lost big time). One of my friends is on the team so I had to go support him. Of course there was a boom box playing disco tunes and pizza. 

So I've been having a gay old weekend here. 

I'll limp along the beach with my broken toe and send all of you my love. 

Robb is on the mend, btw. It seems to be the season of broken bones and broken cars. There is a metaphor in there somewhere.

X

Darlings-

I dropped off the car at the collision place and went to the rental place and they gave me a 2023 Audi which is undoubtedly the fanciest car I have ever driven. The dash is like the cockpit of a plane. with flashing lights and warning signs and beeping noises. And a heated steering wheel. What??? And an automatic sunroof and headlights that automatically adjust when it gets dark. 

Honestly. Oh and a keyless ignition. 

But here we will stop and contemplate the sound system. It is the most splendid kind of thing ever. I called Clark because we need to do a road trip just to play tunes along the way. Great bass and boomy and loud. 

BTW, I told the nice young man he really shouldn't let me leave the lot in such a nice car. He looked at me kindly, like the young people do, and told me I'd be fine. 

So far, I am. 

I did leave the sun roof open last night. Oops. 

This just might be a meditation on the vagaries of the capitalist system that continues to entice us with bigger better more and more. Heck, I learned to drive in my mother's Valiant with the slant 6 and the 3 on the tree and a radio. I still could drive that thing even today. 

Horses got us there, maybe more slowly, but they left fertilizer behind.

 To continue with the adventures of last weekend, I was on the forest crew down the street, wrassling black berries and ivy and other invasive stuff when my tenant called to say the water in the toilet and sinks was brown. Oh lordy. That doesn't sound good. I hoofed it home to investigate and because it was Saturday, I called the 24 hour people. A nice young man with a nose stud (!) came over and said I needed filters and my galvanized pipes were ancient and prolly my hot water heater would give it up in no time. BTW, when the fire department flushes the hydrants, it knocks out all kind of sediment, which is what we were seeing. Who knew. Anyway, I have some new plumbing in the basement for a mere $4000. And no, I didn't buy a new hot water heater. I mean, come on!

Then after a birth, I was hanging with Kenny and the big dogs when Kody, his big black goofy lab, ran into, slammed into my right knee, the funky one. I went down and lay in the road for a bit with concerned neighbors around me. 

I have to take ibuprofen before bed so I can sleep, which I'm not doing anyway. 

I sure hope the knee recovers cuz surgery is just not that appealing. Or necessary. 

My garden is bananas right now. 

Love forever,

Beth

 Felix got a bath and a haircut today. He sorely needed it. 

And the auto glass guy is finally here replacing ALL my car windows. When you have snow and ice on your car, DO NOT use a scrubby abrasive thingy on all the windows and then hope those couldn't be scratches on all the windows. 

How embarrassing. I should know better. Sheesh. 

Next week the car gets a new front end from the rear ender I had a few weeks ago. There is a shop story but not sure I wand to share. Suffice it to say,  the shop I hired went out of business, like, going over there and the door is unlocked and there are no people. There are a lot to cars in various stages of repair, parts lying on the floor. 

 https://www.peanuts.com/about/pigpen

Actually I put this here because Pigpen from the Peanuts strip is my alter ego Luminous Cloud. He is surrounded by detritus and happily so. I am inundated with mental detritus so when I see a bit of light shining behind the clouds, I also feel happy. Like tonight when I was meditating. There was a big puffy cloud with the later afternoon sun tinting the edges a creamy gold. 

I had the most lovely day. I sat early with my dear teacher Mary. Then me and the boy dog went to Cougar Mountain in the pouring rain. He got astonishingly muddy so I had to hose him off before he could come in the house. Then I met up with dearest Clark for a concert (?) of modern Swedish music involving two violinists. In an Episcopal church (shudder). My very childhood church. I just can't get a grip, so many memories from childhood. I almost genuflected when we left. Yikes. 

The concert was scalded cat level. Screechy and thumpy. I was very well behaved until after we left. We are inexcusably terrible together. I was laughing so hard I almost crashed the car. Clark is my brother, my companion, my dear queer beloved. We ate Indian food and blasted Swedish pop music in the car with the windows rolled up. Is this any way to behave when you're my kind of age? I believe it is. I mean, when will I laugh so hard tea comes out of my nose? When will I turn up the volume and car dance? When can I swim in the lake with the Clarkster so we can freeze our hands and feet and tell stupid jokes in the water? Now, I say, right now is the perfect time.

Has anyone seen the movie Summerland from 2020? Great for a good blubber fest. 

I had homemade granola and yogurt for dinner with a few strawberries. 

May we all be safe and well and may dear Sophie be home in her own bed NOW.

So here's my tentative title for my Master's thesis

Elder Women, Elder Trees: Making Interconnection Visible in a Fractured World. 

In case I haven't mentioned this before, Diane and I are going to visit the Bristlecone Pine forest in July where the oldest trees ON THE PLANET LIVE.  Some are more than 5000 years old. That's effing old, y'all. 

Who says writing a thesis is boring?

 

 

Meet Raine Ayla, born this morning after a powerful birth. While I'm tired, I'm not as tired as her momma. Folks are still having babies; fresh, shiny, delicious babies. 

What an amazing life this is.

Love, 

Shoun (Luminous Cloud)

In case you're wondering, that's my Dharma name bestowed on me by Roshi Joan Halifax. A few weeks ago. Whew. 

Dear friends-

I just sat through 2 hours of a talk and small groups on-line with One Earth Sangha, an earth justice based community. Goodness, I have opinions. It seemed a pointless few hours, I must say. There were a lot of people with obvious concern for our dear planet mixed with despair and sorrow. 

So here's the thing. Global trauma is really here. We have the list. What to do with our sadness and worry?Refill the hummingbird feeder. Walk around in the garden and notice signs of spring; magnolia buds, crocuses and daffs, daphne scent, the dogwood about to blossom. Wherever we live on our tiny patch of earth, tend it. Have kindness for our neighbors, even for the vicious dog who lives next door (I give him dog treats now instead of avoiding the front door.) He seems confused now. Delight in our bodies that still work, however imperfectly. Pour our love over everything, indiscriminately. 

Allow ourselves to feel joy. 

Yes, terrible things are happening. I'm not suggesting that we close off to the suffering. Instead we can allow our hearts to completely break open. Open to all of it. 

Milo left this morning :-( and the daughters will be leaving  tomorrow :-( :-(. They did rearrange my entire living room and Milo insists that I purchase a bigger flat screen. Sheesh.  He's the loveliest 20 yo boy and so tall and sweet. 

Yesterday was so fun. It was my birthday and we/I had a house full of people, the ones I love that live here and of course the fam. We ate and talked and laughed and played charades. I think the best was a word I had -'baby shower' and my team came up with 'baby rain'  'baby snow' 'baby ice' 'baby icicle' before Traci landed on 'baby shower' Today I'm feeling the let down of a mostly empty house. Ah well, it's all impermanent.  

We've had snow and rain and more snow that looks pretty and then melts. 

I might be quitting midwifery sooner than I thought. I think I'll be ok. Maybe I'll get a part-time job. Did I ever say I have money anxiety? Like forever. I'll talk to my financial guy next week and ask for his guidance. As my income continues to do a nose dive. 

My bra is tight. In the last week I have been hanging out with foodies and we're not done eating our way through the farmer's markets and bakeries and such. Eden knows a chef here in Seattle so we have to go to his restaurant for lunch. Then I will not eat for a week, k? 

I'm ready for some sunshine and a bit of warmth. Any time would be splendid. 

Love you  all.

Welp, my coccyx is broken. No wonder it hurts. Now I have drugs so life is better. And yes, takes forever to heal. :-( 

The adventure continues. While in Holden Village where there was a mountain of snow, I fell on my tailbone while skiing THREE TIMES. Ouch. So now I'm hobbling around and whining. My chiro said I didn't break anything but I am using a CBD ointment which maybe helps. But no swimming (sob) and walking, driving, sitting up is uncomfortable as heck. 

The workshops went well, I think. They ask for evals and they will send me those pertaining to my workshops and they strongly hinted that if I wan to return, I would be welcome. 

I interviewed an elder who is my taichi teacher and this is her gorgeous dance blanket. She is Chinese and Tlingit and she has been learning Tlingit so sometimes she will conduct our class in Tlingit! Not such an easy language.

 

Diane is here and it's so wonderful to cook for her and have her bring me tea in bed. Maya has just put in an offer on a townhome in Santa Rosa. Fingers crossed. I hope it goes through. The house she has rented for the last 15 years is  going to go on the market so she needs another place to live, hopefully something she owns.

I'm gonna lie down now with a very spiritual murder mystery (not) and let my poor sacrum/coccyx heal. I will ski again, by the way. 

Love you all.

Amazing, just amazing