Today at the pool, a young pregnant woman asked how I was. I replied that it wasn't my best day. She teared up and said she was worried about her daughter who will be born in September. I cried with her as she said, "And I'm gay".

I worry about my trans friends and my queer friends. And all the women who will have to carry unwanted pregnancies or who will attempt to miscarry and hurt or kill themselves. I worry about the poor and marginalized. 

Dangerous times. United States we are not.

We are not. 

 Dear friends-

$125.35-------Current student loan balance

                                                          PAID IN FULL

I graduated in 2002, yep, twenty years ago. 

Time for a small celebration. 

 My dears,

I'm back from the wilds of California (and many driving hours and $$$ gas money) to spend time with my family, well, parts of my family. My grandson is lovely and wonderful and my heart bursts with pride to spend time with him. He's polite and funny and nice to everyone. His girlfriend came (wearing braces) and they are traveling to Greece with her family this summer and then they have agreed to part ways as love interests because they want to explore others and themselves. What teenagers are so deliberate and thoughtful? He even asked if I minded that he drank a beer??? I reminded him of my family hx of alcoholism and the evils of alcohol in general. But I was so impressed that he ASKED ME. Of course he can have a beer, dearest boy. There were more adults around than kids and we were in the middle of nowhere. He's a sensible guy and I can't explain how much I love him. 

My old girlfriend came too. Last minute she called and we arranged for her to fly to Sacramento where I would pick her up...it was wild, added miles and time to my drive but I didn't mind. We'll see each other again in October...and December...and February. Be still, my heart. We talked endlessly and laughed and held  each other and kissed. At our ages, honestly. Her kisses still make my toes curl. And that's all we did.

I have been reflecting on all of this rekindling and I have realized some things. 

My mindfulness and meditation practice is affected by some excitement and distraction. I'm noticing and tending to these feelings with curiosity and tenderness. 

When I came out many years ago, she was the first person  I fell deeply in love with. Deeply. In. Love. We had so much to work on and over the years, we have. She's still the same and she's totally different. Just like me. I  have released her over and over, with anger, resignation, sorrow, all the ways. 

Now I have no expectations. We may visit each other 4-5 times a year and live on opposite sides of the country. Maybe we'll live together again one day. I don't know. Before, everything felt so important, so imperative. Now, I'm ok alone and I'm ok with her. Both ways are satisfying and peaceful. 

Back in Seattle, one of the midwives has covid (natch), so I'm on call today, tomorrow and Saturday. I really hope I can go to Pride on Sunday. This year feels so important to show up. 

Before our rights are taken away. When I think of my beloveds who are queer and trans and non-binary, I feel so much sadness and fear. Losing Roe, what's next. So I will go downtown and cheer and yell for all the drag queens and muscle boys and marching bands and dykes on bikes and all of us in our variety and glory. I will remember the ones we lost along the way; to AIDS and hate crimes, addiction and suicides. 

Living with this undefended heart is so hard-to just let the pain and sorrow in, to feel it, to tend to it, without hatred and anger. 

I will be there  for Tommy and James and Jim and Crazy Thunder and Clark and Paul and Chase and Richard and Kenny and Alison and Hazel and Micha and Diane and Robin and Gina  and Michi and Holly and Judith and Hazel and Raven and so many others, for all of us who came out.

Ólafur Arnalds - Full Performance (Live on KEXP)

Me and Clark saw/heard/experienced this musician and I must say my wee mind was     BLOWN    by gale force winds. There were pianos and strings and a drummer and they're from Iceland which might be in another galaxy. This group had been cancelled twice in Seattle over the last few years because of, you know, and they were so GRATEFUL to be performing in front of a live audience. 

Clark and I cried and gasped and held hands. I'll send another clip of them. Absolutely phenomenal.  

Ólafur Arnalds - Zero

Dear friends-

It has been a rough week. Today feeling better, some better. The sorrow of the world bears down. We are in this together, of that I am sure. And all I know is to love family, friends and strangers alike. Especially the strangers, the most desperate among us. I can't call those that pull the trigger monster. They are someone's child, baby, relative. I recently read that adolescent gunmen are suicidal and wanting to die. They just take others with them and cause untold suffering. But deranged? Sure. But they are someone's kid too.  If we can find a label, then we've 'solved' the problem, contained. That's not how it works. 

We're in a world out of balance. Guns ARE the problem. When will it end? When? And how do we continue to love the world anyway we can? 

 There is nothing to say right now. I was in ignorance on Tuesday until I wasn't.

How do we bear the most terrible news? We are the mother of the boy with the gun. We are the mother of the dead child on a classroom floor. We are the law enforcement person who rescues their child but not others from the deadly building. We are the governor saying words that don't make sense, that continue to harm. 

And that's all I have. I do not understand my fellow humans. 

 Dear friends

Warm and overcast. 

My mind a muddle and my emotions are churning. I'm letting love in again and I don't mean universal, ever expanding love for all beings. I mean love for a particular person. Someone I've known for a long time. And I'm twitterpated. Seriously. I think 'those' feelings have been in the deep freeze for a long time and then the pandemic and all the things. 

Mostly I've been FINE with isolation and quiet. And my practice. I am certainly see how romantic love messes everything up, rearranges everything. As Ronny so famously said in Moonstruck, 

"Loretta, I love you. Not like they told you love is, and I didn't know this either, but love don't make things nice - it ruins everything. It breaks your heart."

So there you have it. I will say no more. To touch into this too deeply, maybe it will go away. For the time being, I'm doing all the usual things; swimming, dog stuff, laundry, gardening. And allowing my heart to open (and break).

Two deep breaths, darlings. 

Ólafur Arnalds with friends

Clark and I are going to see them next week!!!

Nancy and I went to The Marriage of Figaro on Saturday. What a blast. I feel semi-normal going to see things. Of course we were masked. 

Music is essential. 

Much love

 Dear friends-

Today Diane and I hiked Oyster Dome in Bellingham, about 1 1/2 hours from Seattle. Sunny day, about 5 miles, incredible view at the top of the Sound dotted with islands. However, we, um, took the wrong trail back to the car and ended up WAAAAAYYYY far from the car. So. 

As we neared the road we were not supposed to be on at the end of our hike, and realizing we were lost, a young man ***Johnny*** was just ahead of us and I asked, "would you be willing to drive us to our car?" Without hesitation, he said yes. 

Our angel with the beautiful blue eyes from Ketchikan who is currently working in a nursing home. 

Thank you Johnny. We ended up hiking 8 + miles on our old legs. But the view 

was pretty spectacular. And you saved our bacon. We love you forever. 

Dear friends-

Studying with Roshi Joan this weekend and just weeping a lot. You know, the kind where the tears just leak out. There are too many things to list so I won't. I know you know.

A bit ago, I got a message from DoorDash telling me my delivery would be a bit late????? I responded that I had't ordered anything from them??? and perhaps they had the wrong number. A while later, a young guy came to my gate with a large vase of flowers from my daughter for mother's day. Ha! He apologized for spoiling the surprise. I was so flummoxed I didn't tip him. Oops.  

Saw an old woman wearing a pussy hat when I walked the dog. It's that time again. Will be writing letters to strangers again to get out the vote. 

We are in the grip of Mordor, I'm afraid. 

I'm angry and sad. 

Meanwhile the garden continues to be extravagantly gorgeous. Nature don't care what we stoopid humans get up to. Still no hummingbirds. I'm worried about them. 

While practicing a death meditation, Felix came in and breathed loudly and fragrantly in my face. He just doesn't let me get too serious. Because he's a goof.

Much love, comrades. Keep up the good fight and love one another fiercely. 

Beth

Dear friends-

While at the pool today, I hopped into the water just before the swimmer in the other lane got to the wall. Thinking that she was swimming slowly, I'd have time to get ahead of her (always a jostle in the pool with multiple swimmers in a lane). Well, she zoomed by me in the water in time to yell at me at the other end of the lane. I was 'very rude', cutting in front of her. I apologized profusely but she harrumphed off. So I spend the next 20 minutes feeling like a shithead, I mean, how could I be so thoughtless etc. I waited to be sure she'd be gone from the locker room and I got into the hot tub when my fav life guard came over and told me he saw everything. I did nothing wrong. He almost spoke to her but didn't want to rile things up. 

Whew! Tempest in a teapot! 

I think we don't know how to be around people anymore. I surely don't. My feelings are so easily hurt. As my parents always said, I'm too sensitive (whatever that means). 

Anyway, spring here is cold, wet and beautiful. I've planted a tree peony and more azaleas. The apple trees are covered with blossoms and the dogwood is blooming too. I saw one of the cold water swimmers at the pool and she swims year round. She says the water is getting close to being 50 degrees. People, that's too effing cold. 

 My brother rescuing ducklings from a storm drain in Peasant Hills California. He says the mother duck was walking round and round with her 2 babies and when he looked in, there were about 10 ducklings trapped. He moved the grate and plucked them out. My brother the hero. Our father would have done the same thing. 

Haven't seen any babies yet at the lake but two of my three birdhouses have tenants. Chickadees. 

Love to you all. 

 Today is my death day. One year ago, I started a One Year To Live study and here we are. Next week we are born again. This morning I opened this message from my older daughter and sat crying in the food co-op.

Happy death day mama. 

I’m so glad you will be reborn today xoxoxo

Epitaph  - By Merrit Malloy

When I die

Give what’s left of me away

To children

And old men that wait to die.

And if you need to cry,

Cry for your brother

Walking the street beside you.

And when you need me,

Put your arms

Around anyone

And give them

What you need to give to me.

I want to leave you something,

Something better

Than words

Or sounds.

Look for me

In the people I’ve known

Or loved,

And if you cannot give me away,

At least let me live on in your eyes

And not your mind.

You can love me most

By letting

Hands touch hands,

By letting bodies touch bodies,

And by letting go

Of children

That need to be free.

Love doesn’t die,

People do.

So, when all that’s left of me

Is love,

Give me away.

Easter Wishes Cold Open - SNL

 Still unseasonably cold here but the flowers persist. I haven't seen any hummingbirds at all. Wonder where they are. 

Going to work in the greenbelt this morning. We'll be clearing blackberries and ivy. There's a downed tree over the trail, don't know how that will be resolved. There's an abandoned (I think) homeless encampment too so that will be an issue. I walk through the greenbelt all the time so it's time to give back.

Been very busy with clinic. One of the midwives got sick so I stepped in, went to a birth, have done a bunch of home visits and worked an extra day of clinic. It's fun to be with my clinic 'family.' I don't know any other folks who are so funny and cynical and caring, all at the same time. I am reminded that I spend so much time in silence, being in a noisy clinic full of yelling kids  and pregnant women is quite an adjustment. I'm also reminded that the midwives and the office manager are my friends. I care about them and their lives. 

The kaffer lily is blooming, always does around Easter time. As I write this, I looked up the definition of 'kaffir' and found that it is an 'extremely offensive word for a Black South African.' Great. Well, let's give it a new name, k? Any suggestions? 

It has a nice fragrance. BTW, I've had this plant since 1976. Got it as a wedding present.

 It snowed (!), then hailed and rained and then the sun came out. The garden is gorgeous right now.

And this is just one tree flouncing her flounces.

Waiting on mothers at the brink of labor. Tomorrow Clark and I will eat delicious food, wear blue hats and watch Moonstruck with Cher and Nicholas Cage. It's pretty much a perfect movie. Because 1) Cher and 2) demented Nicholas. And NYC and the script and accents and the whole thing. 

It always helps to walk around in my neighborhood. There's the vicious doberman where we cross the street so he and Felix don't have a snarling dog argument. There's the fish market with crabs piled on top of each other in tanks. As much as I love crab, I just can't seem to eat them anymore. There's the neighbor with the wild assortment of ceramic elves, frogs, sheep, the baby Jeezus etc. as a tableaux. There's the woman with the beautiful garden and the view of the lake. 

I was thinking about Elizabeth's Sophie today. I met her in LA. The famous Sophie. She radiates love. I don't know how to explain it. She is present in ways most of us aren't. 

The chickadees and juncos are feasting on the seed I spread out for them just now. I haven't seen the hummingbirds lately. Maybe they're tending to their families. 

I just finished a book called The Chimpanzee Whisperer: A Life of Love and Loss, Compassion and Conservation. It's about a Hutu man from Burundi who survived the war and found himself caring for chimps in protected reserves in spite of his third grade education. Because of his great heart and kindness towards the primates most closely linked to homo sapiens he has traveled the world and spoken at the UN and met (of course) Jane Goodall. Oh, and he has bunch of kids, both his and adopted. He is everything Putin and Bezos and half the congress are not. He's a mensch. A good person. 

The thing is, when the Dalai Lama meets anyone and I mean anyone, he treats them as his friend. I'm just not there. 

The last retreat I attended was a deep dive. There were over 200 people on the retreat. I like to think there are many of us who are doing their best to be ethical and kind and generous. Every one of us counts. 

 Two things happened today that made me cry.

1.  The first Black woman was confirmed to the Supreme Court.

2.   The hot tub at the pool opened. 

Both are occasions for radiant joy, 

 On another retreat. With 

this guy.

He's German, multiple PhDs, many books, many languages including Chinese and Pali. His books are dense and in person he's funny, kind and wise. I'm enjoying spending time with him and the class of 200+ people on Zoom. 

Spring is well and truly here. The magnolia tree down the street is ridiculously gorgeous. Massive. Covered with flowers. Tiny lettuce and spinach greens poking up through the dirt. 

Much love and kindness radiating all around, dear ones.

Keith Urban performs "Higher Love" | One World: Together at Home

I told my child I've been listening to Keith Urban and she said, oh mom, NO. I told her I'm officially an elder and I can listen to whatever the fuck I want. 

It's Sunday and pissing rain. The dog is a muddy mess. 

Just out of my recent retreat...

May we realize that this earth is sacred and live accordingly.

May the suffering arising from oppression, hatred, and fear be righted and remedied.

May all those in the grips of insecurity be released to the safety of understanding.

May those weighed down by grief be given over to compassion.

May those lost in delusion find relief in the path of wisdom.

May all wounds to forest, rivers, deserts, oceans, all wounds to the earth be witnessed and healed through our right action.

May we work for the ending of suffering from consumerism, the climate catastrophe, war, economic disparity, racism, sexual violence, and the abuse of children.

May those in refugee camps and prisons find their way home, with our support.

May those who are alone or abandoned by friends and family, and those who are unsheltered find a safe and loving harbor in community.

May we have deep time in practice with each other and in the solitudes, to be taught by sangha and by silence, so that we have the courage and equanimity to be a source of love and wisdom for all beings.

May we all have the health, wisdom and energy to serve in the years ahead.

May all awaken and awaken others.

Roshi Joan Halifax