In honor of Yogi, the best dog in the world

 Kenny, my angelic neighbor, sauntered over last night and asked if I had any use for an AC. Whatttttt?????

He borrowed my wheel barrow and came back with an AC and tools for installing it in my bedroom window. Most of my house is 90-ish and my bedroom is a delicious 74. 

I did spend most of the day in the lake. As I will be spending tomorrow as well. 

Tuesday I go to LA, WHERE IT IS COOLER THAN HERE. 

What the actual fuck. 

BTW the dog and cat have melted. Completely. Poor animals covered with fur/hair.

 Face timed with Eden. Face timed-what have we come to, is that a word?

She's ok, trussed up but says she fed herself today with one hand/arm. And she told a very funny story about the Rumanian doctor who removed the staples in her head; heavy accent, bright costume jewelry, painted nails, about 60-ish, tut-tutting the staple job, blamed it on the young intern and called Eden honey, as in 'oh honey'. Reminded me of her Hungarian grandmother. As much as my former Hungarian in-laws used to anger me, I admired them. They were survivors, made it to the US as refugees and rebuilt their lives in upstate New York. Their two children went to Harvard and Columbia. Steve, my ex, became a doctor (I know, a stereotype-my son the doctor). But they left Budapest with nothing, just the shirts on their backs. Steve's dad once showed me the backpack Margaret, his wife, made for 6 year old Steve to wear as they escaped the communists that had overtaken their city. 

I was an asshole back then. I was young with two small children. I wasn't Jewish and I had daughters, not sons. (yes, I heard that the day I gave birth to Eden) Still, with hindsight, they suffered incredible losses and they survived, they survived. As so many do in this world. They weren't perfect but they loved their grand daughters. And Eden has honored them by her Hungarian cookbook. May it be published!

In other news, we're experiencing a heat wave. The city is freaking out. It's amazing. Seattlites. LOVE to discuss the weather because it's so...um nothing here mostly. Rain? OMG. a bit of snow-apocalypse now. I will admit, it's mighty hot here and we have ourselves to thank for the heating of the planet but we'll get through this bit. Kenny came over with two fans under his arms to offer me as he was getting AC. And I have a standing invite if it gets too much in my house, even the dog is invited. 

My solution: go swimming and wear my wet suit until it dries out, then go swimming again etc. Not me wet suit as in neoprene, just my regular polyester suit. Felix swims too and retains wet hair. Sheesh. 

I will admit. Felix is pretty limp.

Well dears. I must water the garden as the sun goes down. Tomorrow an early swim and then a quiet day. And a visit to a new baby :-).  I ma have to go jump in the lake one more time...

 Just got the word. Surgery tomorrow at 7 AM. And I'm not going back until next week. I let go of being there right away. It'll be ok, she'll be ok. My midwife brain says go now but I can't. Sweet baby Jeezus. 

Let all the benevolent beings protect and watch over her. My beautiful girl.

 Dear friends-

Back from LA and waiting for Eden's surgery to be scheduled. She's been to a few appointments and she needs one more x-ray before final approval. Sheesh. 

I cooked and cleaned and watched Netflix with my girl. She showered a few times and I combed out her tangled hair and braided it. What a tender thing to do, comb long wet hair. I haven't combed her hair since she was a child. 

Her cousin has been very helpful and present. Today I'll buy another ticket to return, probably next Monday or Tuesday. The less said about air travel right now, the better. Fortunately LA has a few small airports so I don't have to fly into LAX, a huge behemoth. 

The pull to be with her is so strong. Watching her be in pain is so hard. My dear friend and dharma teacher Mary visited me and we sat on Eden's dinky deck and laughed and chatted, was a relief to step outside the caretaker role for a minute. I am of course thinking of all the caregivers who tend to a loved one, day after day. Heart wringing. Persistent. 

This morning I'm meeting Clark for a lake swim, the first of the year. I better get going. 

Love to you all. 

Beth

River - Joni Mitchell (Cover)

 Dear friends-

Last night I got a call that no parent wants to get. Eden, my younger daughter, was in the ER after an incident with her poorly controlled rescue dog. She'd already gotten a bloody nose from being pulled off balance by her dog who lunges at other dogs, people, etc. This time she was knocked down, sustained a concussion  and a broken collar bone and a laceration on the back of her head. She lost consciousness briefly. Her friend was calling me to let me know where she was and to tell me that they are recommending surgery because the broken bone could potentially puncture her lung. 

(pause)

It was the middle of the night. The first flight I could get was this afternoon so I'm anxiously waiting to leave the house, cleaning the kitchen, cleaning out the litter box, scrubbing the toilet...you know, to stay busy. Thank goodness for credit cards. I called family to let them know. Her dad and my brother are stepping up to help her financially because she's self employed and who knows when she'll be able to work again. Thank goodness for them. Nancy, who just house sat for me, responded to my midnight text with -'sure, no problem, I'll stay and care for house and dog and cat'. Thank goodness for her friendship. She has two daughters too. She knows.

I'm trying not to cry but I just start up. I hate that I'm so far away. I'm grateful that we can fly again and I'll be there tonight. Our babies, we can't keep them safe, can we? Felix knows something is going on. He's very quiet and staring at me. 

I return on Sunday. My objective is to give the effing dog back to the shelter, get my girl set with visits and friends and food and trips to the doc, you know, all the things. 

We do anything for them, don't we?

I don't even know what I packed. LA is very hot. I don't care. I just want to get there. To hold her and tell her it's gonna be ok. 

In the ambulance I held you in my arms

you were small and limp

wearing a nightgown with light blue flowers

I thought you might die

sirens pitched through country roads

I was making deals

please take me 

I can go in her place

take me

I knew then I would do anything

mothers do this

they give all the bread to the children

so the children might live

they stand in front of soldiers with guns

they swim across with the baby on their back

everywhere, mothers are holding out their arms

walking forward into the burning fields

saying, take me so she might live

 Dear friends-

Today I took my last vancomycin. The last one. I'm still drinking aloe vera juice and taking probiotics but no more antibiotics. Hooray! I walked all the way to Kubota Gardens with the dog and boy it was hard. I ran out of steam. I'm just hoping my strength will return. 

I pulled up all the spinach in the garden as it was bolting. Of course I ate all the leaves. I've also gotten strawberries, not so sweet because we haven't had many sunny warm days. Still it's such a treat to pick strawberries from the garden. 

I'm rewatching Glee, surely a silly campy series with singing and dancing and queerness and bullying and all. 

The elderberry is once again making oceans of tiny blossoms which will be berries for syrup. I'm ready. I have honey and spices and ginger. 

Some friends and I are getting together tomorrow in their yard. We're all vaccinated so we can hug and sit around mask-less. It's so weird to leave the house without a mask now. I know I can but I still carry a mask because I want to be in solidarity with those who are not vaccinated.

I volunteered at another vaccination site yesterday. We served folks from Ghana, Kenya, Mexico, Vietnam and Honduras. We have loads of translation services. One of the volunteers from Kenya brought a boom box with great music and I danced, of course I did. We were outside under white tents. 

It's gotten much harder to reach people. We are now dealing with hard to find folks and vaccine-hesitant people. About 50% of Washington is vaccinated. What really hurts is throwing out vaccine at the end of the day. 

Anyway. 

Tomorrow is Memorial Day. I don't know what we celebrate on that day. My dad was in the Navy. Many many humans have died and/or fought in wars, endless wars. 

I do know that for the first time, The White House recognized Vesak: https://tricycle.org/trikedaily/vesak-white-house/

I do love me some Joe Biden.

 R.I.P. GEORGE FLOYD

 An update on the sorry state of affairs over here. I'm better. Which means I no longer have terrible cramps and an unmentionable bowel situation. I am wrung out and weepy. My naturopaths have me drinking aloe vera juice, swallowing green tea extract, various probiotics, vit D and calcium and eschewing gluten :( and dairy :((.  How does one live without bread? And pie? And cookies? etc. 

They did give me a recipe for congee, which is the most delicious food in the entire world. It's white rice cooked forever til it's mush and then you add sauteed veggies and some ginger and broth and soy sauce and slurp it up. It honestly soothed my whole body. And I ate it for three days. 

I do lie around for hours. I make myself take one reasonable walk with Felix. The weather has been prefect, about 55, partly sunny and lush. I'm eating from the garden. No raw veggies so I steam the lettuce and spinach. I just can't let them go to waste. I am a wastrel. I could be writing the GAN (great American novel) or at least a book of poetry but instead I scour netflix et al. for anything I haven't already watched. Lying on the couch drinking tea and bemoaning my fate. 

I meet with my Year to Live folks tomorrow. I told the teacher I might have taken the assignment a bit too seriously. Next week I'm doing another vaccine clinic (I'll be fine. I've done two already and I wasn't feeling so hot for either of those.) I think I suck as a sick person. I vacillate between feeling useless and depressed to contemplating the meaning of life, all to no avail. I don't want to talk to my friends because they want to know if I need anything and I'm good. I don't want to talk about it. Then I think about my many friends who have/are dealing with chronic conditions or cancer scares and I think I'm just an asshole. 

Jeezus.

These are my unvarnished thoughts, y'know. I don't want advice. I don't want to complain. I just...float here in this sick/healing body with foggy thoughts and hyper sensitive feelings. 

If I'm perfectly honest, I'd say I'm waiting, being patient and trying to be kind to this uncertainty, this off-kilter physical experience. I'm dizzy, unbalanced (literally) and unsure of my strength. Before this happened, I would launch into the day, ride my bike, swim, walk and hike for miles. Garden and water. Give myself daily tasks to write and meditate and do good deeds. Now I'm emptied out. Depleted. I do think about what it is to die, the withdrawing of the elements from the body. Not morbid here. Honest. Just a reflection on the corporality, the frailty of the body. Its' impermanence.  

Floating, that's what I'm doing. Floating. Taking the time to really look at the present moment without my usual distractions. Maybe in the world but not of it. Interesting. Very interesting. Untethered. 

What is important? We've been there for over a year. What matters to us? What really matters? I'll be coming back down the mountain and maybe I'll have some stories to tell. 

Welp-

Just got out of the hospital. Why, you may ask? Well, remember the two week regimen of horrid antibiotics? Well, a side effect is an overgrowth of C diff, which is another nasty bug that causes a type of colitis. I'd been babying myself, probiotics, yogurt etc etc thinking I just needed to restore my poor gut flora while my gut got sicker and sicker and more painful. I'd call the clinic and I'd get an appointment for  three weeks away (!!!!) Finally after a night of fevers and horrible cramping,  I dressed and drove myself to the ER. When I got into the exam room with a doc, I just started crying. Not to be a drama queen but from pain and fatigue and relief. I was there for 8 hours, got labs, another CT, an IV etc etc. They wanted to send me to the hospital in an ambulance but I got a friend to take me.

Everything I read about C diff is pretty scary, it can return, it is contagious, it can kill ya. We're hoping for the best-it doesn't return, its just a dread memory but at least if it does come back, I know what it is!!

BTW conscious sedation is the bomb.

Jeez and we just started being able to hang out with each other. 

Raining here. I love the way the plants glow with the water they ingest.

Thankful for my many friends who helped out over the last few days. They are the best. 

 Dear friends-

Happy mother's day to all the mothers out there, whether you have human children, fur children, beloved chickens and gardens and/or you regularly 'mother' yourselves. In fact, all of us. 

Micha visited with May, who is her beloved foster baby. May is 7 months old and a fat and happy babe she is. Micha told me she has never loved anyone as much as May. Don't we know that feeling!! May's extended family is going to take her 'home' after a futile search for the birth dad. Apparently the birth mom is MIA too. Micha is facing heartache, oh boy. Comes with the territory, doesn't it?

My computer is not letting me post photos (sigh). I'll have to mess around to see what I can do about that. Apps invariably want you to pay something. Or if stuff is 'free', it is terrible to navigate. Meanwhile the second richest man IN THE WORLD hosted SNL. The first host on the spectrum, ok, that's good, but jeez. Billions of dollars so he can build a rocket ship. I will continue to be astonished at unbridled greed and heartlessness. 

https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/how-wealth-reduces-compassion/#:~:text=In%20one%20study%2C%20they%20found,others%20on%20a%20regular%20basis.&text=In%20addition%2C%20their%20heart%20rates,feelings%20and%20motivations%20of%20others.

One doorway to compassion is through our own suffering. We are aroused by the sorrow of others because we too have been there. The rich suffer when they contemplate losing their vast wealth. Not a problem I think I will ever have...

I did another vaccine clinic yesterday. It was the Asian counseling center near my house and wowza. What a beautiful building filled with modern Asian/Pacific Islander art. Just splendid.

Nancy's birthday was yesterday and we met in the park where we always meet for her birthday. We sat on blankets, ate cookies and read poems to Nancy. It was a great blustery day with a soccer game going on, people with their kids flying kites and dogs chasing frisbees. 

I visited a 3 day old baby this morning. A fat, pretty boy with lots of dark hair. And his happy mother and mother-in-law. So sweet on mother's day. 

Time to walk the dog. I promised hours ago.

Much love to all. 

 Dear friends-

Wednesday I went to the Ethiopian Muslim Association mosque. We vaccinated about 60 people. The Imam guided us around, taught us to take off or cover our shoes, cover our heads. The interior of the mosque had a carpet that is designed for individual prayer rugs and there was tape on the floor so folks would be safely spaced. We women and men were set up in different rooms with screens  and folding tables. My companion Lauren and I chatted together between giving shots. She's a public health nurse. Some of the women were scared, most were stoic. Several had two scars from smallpox vaccine. All of them were refugees with identification cards. 

We were fed lunch from a local Panera. During lunch was a call to prayer. How beautiful, the words in Arabic. Men and women came in and knelt down praying. 

I know woefully little about Islam, nothing really. So I will study, at least to have some idea. 

I'm taking a course in comparative religions from Harvard, free to audit. The focus is Buddhism and I'm learning so much. All the different schools from Pure Land to Tibetan, so different from one another. 

Humans are a mystery, right?

Tomorrow I again attend a 'pop-up' vaccination clinic for half a day. 

I continue to be amazed. 

 Dear friends-

I wished a bunch of people a happy mother's day and my daughter told me it's next Sunday. My response-the early bird catches the worm.

Sheesh.

And so it begins, right?

Waves of the pandemic, like waves in the ocean. Some bigger, some smaller. Some knocking us over and tumbling us around. And so on with that metaphor. 

We are thinking it's maybe over but it's not, not for a long time. I knew that last year, I just knew. This illness would grab us and shake us and threaten us in spite of vaccines and health precautions and all. And so many of us would die. 

The spring continues to bless us with her beauty. Maybe I'll get more than a handful of grapes this year. Judith and I went to Cougar Mountain to hike and we saw wild bleeding hearts and trillium and tracks of a deer. Felix got gloriously dirty. 

My sister called and asked if I still performed weddings and of course, I still do. She wondered if I were available next October and of course I am. She then told me she's getting married. WTF. She's been dating this guy in Florida for several months and he's a retired teacher from the Bronx with kids and grandkids and he's a widower and he is very fit for a 74 yo guy who bicycles and likes to dance and she sent me a photo of the two if them on New Year's Eve. And she's been totally silent all this time!!! He came on the phone and I said, Brooklyn? The Bronx? He replied, "two block from the Yankee Stadium." Annie's attended a Seder already. He's a very tall, slender man with his arm around my sis. 

Whaddya know. I am delighted for her and jealous too. I'll get over it. I mean, how lovely to find someone during the plague years to play with. Going to Florida was a smart move. So I guess I'll be helping them with a wedding in the fall. I got excited about going to Florida (Mary!) but they think they'll be in NYC. 

And that's it from the Pacific NW. Wednesday I vaccinate some folks. 

May all beings find happiness and the causes of happiness.

May all beings be free from suffering and the causes of suffering.

May all beings experience the joy that is without sorrow,

And may that joy never leave them.

May all beings live in balance and in harmony,

freed from greed and aggression,

Believing in the equality of all that live.

 Dears-

I just started a 'program' called A Year to Live. The book is by Stephen Levine. With my dear friend  and Dharma teacher Mary Stancavage. On Saturday she led us in a meditation that set our 'death day', 365 days from 4/25/2021. We have daily practice and we'll be meeting once a month, until we die. 

One of my writing group called it 'morbid'. Granted, I'm two days in but I have thought often about this season. Spring. Will this be my last spring. How can I enjoy it completely. Last year allowed spring to unfold for me in the most intimate and illuminated way. Daily I attended to buds unfurling and weeds flourishing. The vegetable garden was bountiful. The elderberry was prolific and lush. With the fear of death hovering over us all, moments were more brilliant, our very breath life giving or life ending. 

Right now from my window a crow is perched on the top of a maple tree. Unconcerned with the ending of her life. We humans know we will die, just not when. But I know when (hypothetically). I want to be ready to meet it. I don't want to be like my friend James who struggled and suffered and was overcome with fear at the end. 

As I said to a therapist many years ago, "I don't want to be afraid to die because I was afraid to live."

Much love

 Dear friends-

I was diagnosed with a nasty GI bug and put on 2 weeks of horrid meds, which I have completed. Made me feel terrible. Still dealing with the repercussions. There will be a recheck to see if I'm 'cured' and then life goes on. At this point, replenishing my poor gut with fermented foods and probiotics. 

My healthcare provider offered NO help. I know you know. If we want to know what is wrong with us and we want to improve our health, we have to be proactive and do it ourselves. Dr Google helped me to understand what the bacteria was and suggested ways to recover. That's why so many of us visit naturopaths and acupuncturists and chiropractors. Western medicine is so inadequate. 

Of course, western medicine has made amazing advances, for example-vaccines for covid. But who has access to vaccines? Who gets to live and who dies? The inequities are so obvious. I'm lucky. I got vaccinated early. Unlike so many of my fellow citizens. 

I've registered to help with the vaccination effort in Seattle. Just waiting for my 'assignment'. I've asked to work in my neighborhood, which is largely Asian and immigrant Somalis and Ethiopians. 

I guess I'm just angry this morning. 

In other news, I attended another birth yesterday with our young midwife, Emily. It was the family's fourth baby. A strapping boy. She's a pediatric resident and he's a stay-at-home dad. They plan to return to Alaska to work in the Alaskan healthcare system. I'll go visit them on Sunday to see how they are doing and check in on their babe. I wish every mother had access to the type of care we provide. Back in the day, I thought that home birth with midwives would change the world. Ah, my young self. 

We moved the dogwood from the front of the house where it never bloomed to the back of the house and it is covered with blossoms. It needed to be cooler and out of the sun. What do we each need to thrive? 

Apropos of nothing, here is my new Website: mayasgarden.org.

I think it is very pretty. 

May you all be well and safe today. 

Dear friends-

I'm back from the wilds of California and Oregon.  I drove many miles in my spiffy new car, blasting tunes and stopping occasionally to pee. Can I say? There were LOTS of folks without masks at rest centers, Safeways and gas stations. WTF. I know many of my fellow brethren distrust vaccines but jeez. How hard is it to wear a mask?? I know, I know. But the numbers of dead are so huge, our little brains or compassionate responses cannot handle it. Unless we know someone who has died, some of us just don't care. I can't comprehend the numbers but  I care, of course I do. Signed up to help with the vaccine effort here in the great NW. I give shots, I can give shots or whatever they want me to do. 

Driving through southern Oregon and into California, the views were breathtaking. Literally. I kept saying, 'holy shit'. Bluest skies, and mountains, some still with snow. Just gorgeous. Mount Shasta area, damn. Every time I drive through there I think I want to move there. I did also pass through burned acres, many burned acres. 

Eden was surprised to see me. She was confused, thought I was her sister at first. Hot springs, Pinnacles National Forest and a stop in Eugene to see old friends. Loved it all. 

Unfortunately I also got news of results from my endoscopy. I have H pylori, a nasty bacteria that causes ulcers and stomach cancer. Awesome. Many of us, maybe 1/2 the population harbors this dread bug. Anyway, I'm taking 5 pills twice a day for two weeks. Yuck. One of them makes my mouth dry and taste nasty. Fun times. Until I'm done with the treatment, there's no point in taking yogurt and probiotics. And I feel less than stellar. In fact, I'm planning to spend today in my bathrobe. I have to make myself take the dog out. But I'm grateful I have a diagnosis and it could be way worse. I've helped my friends who have had cancer and THAT is truly terrible. 

Anyway, I'm glad to be home. It's a typical day here, grey and rainy. I must admit, being in all that California sunshine was lovely. But the magnolia are blooming and so are the daffs. 

May we all enjoy our bodies, in whatever shape they are in at the moment.

 Dear friends-

I would like to complain and then I'll stop, k? 

It's cold and rainy here. Every day. Ug. I am a tolerant woman but sometimes it's just too much. My sister who has braved northern NY for years is now in Florida and planning to move there. I get it. Florida summers might be a bit much but she breezes out of the house in shorts and sandals while I'm up here gearing up in rain clothes and boots (again). Sigh. 

And I'm to 'isolate' until my endoscopy tomorrow. Covid test negative. Well, there's that. 

It's not dribbling outside. It's actually raining big rain drops. I know, first world problem. But day after day, c'mon. 

Because I can't leave the house until my procedure except to walk the dog (there's nobody out there, trust me) I have one day to get myself together to leave for Cal. 

Oh gawd, I am truly whining. 

In other news, I give a bit of money to causes I care about. They are monthly donations that come out of my account automatically. You may know that I facilitate two weekly meditation groups and one of the participants sends me money for each session. I always offer these sits for free and I told her she didn't have to send money but she does, every week. So I just pass it on to Buddhist nuns, a Dharma teacher and the Duwamish tribe (for 'rent') as I am living on their unceded land. 

See how that is? 

Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. We are caught in an inescapable network of mutuality, tied in a single garment of destiny. Whatever affects one directly, affects all indirectly.”                                                                                                                                                      MLK

It adds to my understanding of karma, which I partially understand. The idea of passing it on, passing it through. That how we are in this life affects everything with implications for the future, our descendants and theirs and so on. And we're reaping actions from the past, sometimes the long past. Maybe there is 'instant karma' but I think that is a truncated understanding. 

We don't know how far and wide our goodness and generosity will travel. I do know it feels good to do good. To be a good person. I have often said that I don't know about enlightenment (or nibbana or nirvana or whatever). I aspire to be a mensch, a yiddish word for good person. 

I'm starting to counsel women who have had traumatic birth/postpartum experiences. I remind them that I'm not a therapist and I don't charge for listening. That is what I do, listen. I had my first person last week and I have another woman before I leave. Trauma lodges in the body and telling the story can help. I don't try to fix it or minimize their experience. I listen with kindness. There is so much pain in this world!! In a tiny way, perhaps this activity can alleviate a bit of suffering. 

 Dear friends-

I'm listening to Gabriel Byrne reading his memoir, "Walking with Ghosts". Beautiful writing with an Irish brogue. 

I talked to Dena, my brother's wife a few days ago. We told each other to stay in touch. What does that mean, stay in touch?

I talked to Eden this morning. She has a new dog who has behavioral problems (ha). She noted that we talk to each other more now. And it's true. As hard as it is to change the habit of a lifetime, the pandemic has changed my ideas of self preservation and self protection. Just as my brother turned his back on all of us, I did the same thing to my younger siblings. And, I now know, to my kids too. Parting from them was so painful and in those years when they went back and forth between their father and me so unbearable, I would close up...

So here I am, a mother who regularly talks to her kids. Eden's month with me loosened up our relationship too so that connection is more solid as well. 

I'm in a writing group now so I'm writing much more. It helps to be with others who are writing. One woman knows her word count (!). I fear I don't understand the relevance of that but maybe it's a publishing thing.

Time for a spring walk with Felix. He is sitting by the back door looking out. It's his Buddha pose.