Darlings-

I dropped off the car at the collision place and went to the rental place and they gave me a 2023 Audi which is undoubtedly the fanciest car I have ever driven. The dash is like the cockpit of a plane. with flashing lights and warning signs and beeping noises. And a heated steering wheel. What??? And an automatic sunroof and headlights that automatically adjust when it gets dark. 

Honestly. Oh and a keyless ignition. 

But here we will stop and contemplate the sound system. It is the most splendid kind of thing ever. I called Clark because we need to do a road trip just to play tunes along the way. Great bass and boomy and loud. 

BTW, I told the nice young man he really shouldn't let me leave the lot in such a nice car. He looked at me kindly, like the young people do, and told me I'd be fine. 

So far, I am. 

I did leave the sun roof open last night. Oops. 

This just might be a meditation on the vagaries of the capitalist system that continues to entice us with bigger better more and more. Heck, I learned to drive in my mother's Valiant with the slant 6 and the 3 on the tree and a radio. I still could drive that thing even today. 

Horses got us there, maybe more slowly, but they left fertilizer behind.

 To continue with the adventures of last weekend, I was on the forest crew down the street, wrassling black berries and ivy and other invasive stuff when my tenant called to say the water in the toilet and sinks was brown. Oh lordy. That doesn't sound good. I hoofed it home to investigate and because it was Saturday, I called the 24 hour people. A nice young man with a nose stud (!) came over and said I needed filters and my galvanized pipes were ancient and prolly my hot water heater would give it up in no time. BTW, when the fire department flushes the hydrants, it knocks out all kind of sediment, which is what we were seeing. Who knew. Anyway, I have some new plumbing in the basement for a mere $4000. And no, I didn't buy a new hot water heater. I mean, come on!

Then after a birth, I was hanging with Kenny and the big dogs when Kody, his big black goofy lab, ran into, slammed into my right knee, the funky one. I went down and lay in the road for a bit with concerned neighbors around me. 

I have to take ibuprofen before bed so I can sleep, which I'm not doing anyway. 

I sure hope the knee recovers cuz surgery is just not that appealing. Or necessary. 

My garden is bananas right now. 

Love forever,

Beth

 Felix got a bath and a haircut today. He sorely needed it. 

And the auto glass guy is finally here replacing ALL my car windows. When you have snow and ice on your car, DO NOT use a scrubby abrasive thingy on all the windows and then hope those couldn't be scratches on all the windows. 

How embarrassing. I should know better. Sheesh. 

Next week the car gets a new front end from the rear ender I had a few weeks ago. There is a shop story but not sure I wand to share. Suffice it to say,  the shop I hired went out of business, like, going over there and the door is unlocked and there are no people. There are a lot to cars in various stages of repair, parts lying on the floor. 

 https://www.peanuts.com/about/pigpen

Actually I put this here because Pigpen from the Peanuts strip is my alter ego Luminous Cloud. He is surrounded by detritus and happily so. I am inundated with mental detritus so when I see a bit of light shining behind the clouds, I also feel happy. Like tonight when I was meditating. There was a big puffy cloud with the later afternoon sun tinting the edges a creamy gold. 

I had the most lovely day. I sat early with my dear teacher Mary. Then me and the boy dog went to Cougar Mountain in the pouring rain. He got astonishingly muddy so I had to hose him off before he could come in the house. Then I met up with dearest Clark for a concert (?) of modern Swedish music involving two violinists. In an Episcopal church (shudder). My very childhood church. I just can't get a grip, so many memories from childhood. I almost genuflected when we left. Yikes. 

The concert was scalded cat level. Screechy and thumpy. I was very well behaved until after we left. We are inexcusably terrible together. I was laughing so hard I almost crashed the car. Clark is my brother, my companion, my dear queer beloved. We ate Indian food and blasted Swedish pop music in the car with the windows rolled up. Is this any way to behave when you're my kind of age? I believe it is. I mean, when will I laugh so hard tea comes out of my nose? When will I turn up the volume and car dance? When can I swim in the lake with the Clarkster so we can freeze our hands and feet and tell stupid jokes in the water? Now, I say, right now is the perfect time.

Has anyone seen the movie Summerland from 2020? Great for a good blubber fest. 

I had homemade granola and yogurt for dinner with a few strawberries. 

May we all be safe and well and may dear Sophie be home in her own bed NOW.

So here's my tentative title for my Master's thesis

Elder Women, Elder Trees: Making Interconnection Visible in a Fractured World. 

In case I haven't mentioned this before, Diane and I are going to visit the Bristlecone Pine forest in July where the oldest trees ON THE PLANET LIVE.  Some are more than 5000 years old. That's effing old, y'all. 

Who says writing a thesis is boring?

 

 

Meet Raine Ayla, born this morning after a powerful birth. While I'm tired, I'm not as tired as her momma. Folks are still having babies; fresh, shiny, delicious babies. 

What an amazing life this is.

Love, 

Shoun (Luminous Cloud)

In case you're wondering, that's my Dharma name bestowed on me by Roshi Joan Halifax. A few weeks ago. Whew. 

Dear friends-

I just sat through 2 hours of a talk and small groups on-line with One Earth Sangha, an earth justice based community. Goodness, I have opinions. It seemed a pointless few hours, I must say. There were a lot of people with obvious concern for our dear planet mixed with despair and sorrow. 

So here's the thing. Global trauma is really here. We have the list. What to do with our sadness and worry?Refill the hummingbird feeder. Walk around in the garden and notice signs of spring; magnolia buds, crocuses and daffs, daphne scent, the dogwood about to blossom. Wherever we live on our tiny patch of earth, tend it. Have kindness for our neighbors, even for the vicious dog who lives next door (I give him dog treats now instead of avoiding the front door.) He seems confused now. Delight in our bodies that still work, however imperfectly. Pour our love over everything, indiscriminately. 

Allow ourselves to feel joy. 

Yes, terrible things are happening. I'm not suggesting that we close off to the suffering. Instead we can allow our hearts to completely break open. Open to all of it. 

Milo left this morning :-( and the daughters will be leaving  tomorrow :-( :-(. They did rearrange my entire living room and Milo insists that I purchase a bigger flat screen. Sheesh.  He's the loveliest 20 yo boy and so tall and sweet. 

Yesterday was so fun. It was my birthday and we/I had a house full of people, the ones I love that live here and of course the fam. We ate and talked and laughed and played charades. I think the best was a word I had -'baby shower' and my team came up with 'baby rain'  'baby snow' 'baby ice' 'baby icicle' before Traci landed on 'baby shower' Today I'm feeling the let down of a mostly empty house. Ah well, it's all impermanent.  

We've had snow and rain and more snow that looks pretty and then melts. 

I might be quitting midwifery sooner than I thought. I think I'll be ok. Maybe I'll get a part-time job. Did I ever say I have money anxiety? Like forever. I'll talk to my financial guy next week and ask for his guidance. As my income continues to do a nose dive. 

My bra is tight. In the last week I have been hanging out with foodies and we're not done eating our way through the farmer's markets and bakeries and such. Eden knows a chef here in Seattle so we have to go to his restaurant for lunch. Then I will not eat for a week, k? 

I'm ready for some sunshine and a bit of warmth. Any time would be splendid. 

Love you  all.

Welp, my coccyx is broken. No wonder it hurts. Now I have drugs so life is better. And yes, takes forever to heal. :-( 

The adventure continues. While in Holden Village where there was a mountain of snow, I fell on my tailbone while skiing THREE TIMES. Ouch. So now I'm hobbling around and whining. My chiro said I didn't break anything but I am using a CBD ointment which maybe helps. But no swimming (sob) and walking, driving, sitting up is uncomfortable as heck. 

The workshops went well, I think. They ask for evals and they will send me those pertaining to my workshops and they strongly hinted that if I wan to return, I would be welcome. 

I interviewed an elder who is my taichi teacher and this is her gorgeous dance blanket. She is Chinese and Tlingit and she has been learning Tlingit so sometimes she will conduct our class in Tlingit! Not such an easy language.

 

Diane is here and it's so wonderful to cook for her and have her bring me tea in bed. Maya has just put in an offer on a townhome in Santa Rosa. Fingers crossed. I hope it goes through. The house she has rented for the last 15 years is  going to go on the market so she needs another place to live, hopefully something she owns.

I'm gonna lie down now with a very spiritual murder mystery (not) and let my poor sacrum/coccyx heal. I will ski again, by the way. 

Love you all.

Amazing, just amazing

 

Dear friends-

In a few days I'll be teaching at a women's retreat in Holden Village where I did trail work last summer. One workshop is called 'Grief and the End of Grief". Ha! As if there is an end to grief. I have gathered notes from everywhere; poets, philosophers, Dharma teachers, elders, you name it. I think it will be ok except that I have only an hour and a half, hardly time to go deep. Maybe we'll just meditate. Then a few days later I'll be leading a 'forest bathing' walk in the snow. That should be interesting. And Diane is coming with me. I just pulled the snowshoes and skis out of the garage, poles and boots and that. I have to unearth my ski clothes and long johns. My dearest Clark is coming to housesit and hang with the Felix. 

Well, while about to offer a homeless guy a dollar from my car, I rear ended someone. Sheesh. The guy I hit has been so polite and kind and nice. WTF. He even thanked me for being gracious. I think it might be a lesson in choosing how to respond. I've gotten upset and scared when I've been hit so maybe I didn't behave so well. But this guy, Joe, has apologized to ME. Wow. 

Anyway, I have been talking to my car and saying sorry. She's ok to drive east of the mountains but she'll be in the shop for a week after I get back.  Possessions are such an irritant, aren't they?

Jason and I walked through my garden and he gave me pointers. I have to prune. It's a thing, apparently. In my small space, everything has become rather large so the little pathway is impassible. I even pruned the apple trees. 

Felix sits on my meditation cushion and barks at random things. It's his version of mindfulness. 

Tomorrow night Clark and I go see some taiko drumming. Should be loud and exciting. I do love the big city because there is dance and music and poetry and art. Before I get too decrepit, I want to take it all in. 

May we all enjoy the springtime as if it were our last. 

Much love. 

Well dears, a rat died in my vent system. I know, yuck. And the smell is very special.  Owning a house is, frankly, a pain in the ass. My tenant's BF is moving in and he has a solution to the smell, dead body, whatever. He seems like a great guy and he has PET RATS. Gawd. I'm just happy to have another person in my house. And he seems very capable and kind. 

Diane arrives on the 2nd and we go immediately to Wenatchee to catch a ferry to Holden Village where I did trail work last summer. This time I'll be teaching forest bathing/meditation/trauma relief or some such. I really need to do a bit of prep before we leave. And joy of joys, my kids and grandson are all gonna be here for my birthday at the end of the month! Eden might even be here for 10 days. And Diane will be here too. I can't wait. I love all those people so much. 

Well. Time to swim and go get my new glasses. I have a drawerful of glasses from yesteryear. 

Chaplaincy starts up again in early March. I wrote a 'spiritual formation' paper and sent it in yesterday. It was supposedly a recap of last year. Ha! I think what I wrote was almost incoherent. Really. 

 

 The sky this morning is streaked with wispy clouds. We've had rain forever but not the awful kind like California. I've been calling my friends and family there daily to be sure they are ok. As my friend Misha said, "Climate change is well and truly here". It's so disorienting to be here in my snug house on an ordinary Seattle day while other parts of the globe are getting hammered. I guess we always live in the delusion that as long as we're not actively experiencing a weather event (or a war or a pandemic) we aren't affected. But we are. We are all interconnected and we do feel the suffering. I once had a teacher who told me he read the paper every day so he knew what to pray for. We could say that prayer is ineffective. After the latest school shooting or racist attack, there is the trope of 'offering thoughts and prayers'. But if it inspires us to demonstrate kindness in our lives and compels us to act in our communities to alleviate suffering, however that shows up, thee we are leading with our hearts. For the suffering in the world is ever with us. And we are always being called to respond to it. 

This year of chaplaincy is the year we write our thesis. I've decided to study and write about elders; elder trees and elder women. I have two interviews already scheduled and I've asked that each woman find a favorite tree to stand beside so I can take a photo of them together. I'm still working on the details but I want to study the way trees communicate with one another and are 'mother trees'. How are the elder women 'mother trees' too? In a culture that wants eternal youth, I want to celebrate the old wise ones that we ignore to our peril. 

We'll see how it goes. I will be recording conversations which means that I will be transcribing those talks, not my favorite thing to do. Takes forever. 

Well, time to take the pup out. May we all find joy as we are. 

 Dear friends-

It's a new year and the sun is out after a few weeks of rain and snow and ice. Time to walk Felix for a while. I've spent a lot of time by myself these past few weeks, no longer checking anxiously my rapid covid tests. I'm symptom-free and wearing a mask whenever I'm with others in an enclosed space. On New year's eve, I hosted an intention setting meditation for my community and it went well. Folks came who I didn't know and that was fun. We shared our intentions (not resolutions!) to be kinder and more compassionate. Lovely. I asked that I be of service and at 3 AM on New Year's day, the phone rang for me to attend a birth. So there you go, being of service. Later that day a bunch of us went to a Chinese restaurant for dim sum. Boy, was it crowded. The whole parking lot was full. One couple brought their 4 yo grandson with them and I got to cuddle him. Little boys are so delicious. Reminded me of Milo at that age. 

Just watched a Netflix doc called Live to Lead with the likes of RBG and Bryan Stevenson. They are Boddhisattvas all, here to be kind and thoughtful and inspiring people. As we all are in our way. 

I host the first 'forest bathing, walking meditation' experience in Volunteer Park this Saturday. I wonder if anyone with show up...

I will go back to Kubota Garden tomorrow to garden. It seems like forever since I've been there. And Tai Chi I've been missing too. 

John goes back to S Africa and I'm so sorry to have missed meeting him. He and Eden are trying to figure out how to have a relationship when they live so far apart. I've forbade her from moving there but I wouldn't stop her, of course. It certainly would be a lot farther away from me than LA! she said selfishly. 

May this year be one of clarity, peace and love for us all.

Fish For Fallen Light

If each day falls

inside each night,

there exists a well

where clarity is imprisoned.

 

We need to sit on the rim

of the well of darkness

and fish for fallen light

with patience.

~Pablo Neruda

the covid blues

 Well, this is day 5? after my positive test. Pretty mild symptoms. Runny nose, tiny cough, night sweats like I had when I went through menopause (now that's fun!) Oh and I went to the ER with severe belly pain a few nights ago. No Dx except that it's a thing with covid, who knew. It's gone but they worked me up and gave me paxlovid. Now that med is terrible tasting stuff. But I guess I will recover quicker as an elderly person. 

My neighbors and friends are taking such good care of me, shopping for food and inquiring daily how I'm doing. I am SO GRATEFUL to them for their kindnesses. 

We are in a effed up ice storm. My poor tenant (fellow midwife) went to a birth early this morning in a crummy car and said it was the worst drive of her life. I'm sure. The roads are solid ice. Poor Felix slid/fell down the stairs when I let him out this morning. And now there's another birth happening. It's bad. Well, I'm out of commission. that's for sure. 

I took a shower today because, well, even sick, I was um, smelly. Then it's back to the couch and wondering if there is ANYTHING I haven't seen yet on Netflix. I alternate with reading my book and meditating, at least today. And eating carbs. 

There's a Pali word: Dukkha which translates as dissatisfaction. The definition of suffering. I'm actually feeling oddly ok. I could dwell on being stuck in the house, missing the fun in California and so on, but I'm at peace with it. As soon as I saw the red line on my first covid test, I felt somehow settled. So there it is. Impermanence. We don't control shit.  We really don't. In this weird way, I'm feeling surrounded by love (as we all are) even when we don't know it. Is that too hippie? 

Tonight I'll hold my usual meditation at 7 PM. We'll see if anyone shows up. I'll be there. Life just be this way sometimes. 

May you enjoy the slow returning of the light.

Beth

 Well, shit. I got covid. And I will be missing Maya's 50th birthday party. She knows I love her forever. 

We might try to play Rumicube on Zoom. 

 Dear friends-

I'm sitting in a living room in Ballard, snow is falling outside and I can hear the laboring woman downstairs. My midwifery partner is here too and we are talking about being able to care for the other two women who are in early labor as well. Whew. 

Poor Felix. He's been inside except for a few potty breaks. Can't be helped. 

I've had a bit of sleep but surely not enough. This is definitely my last year doing this crazy job. And I don't even go to that many births anymore. But damn, The people here are so sweet. I've been fed oatmeal for breakfast and homemade squash soup for lunch. There are two white cats and a black one who are very curious about the goings on. 

I leave for SF on Friday to see the fam and meet Eden's new guy from S Africa. We have plans to see the new Avatar movie together on IMAX. Should be a spectacle. Apparently Eden is engaged. All I want is for her to stay in this country, not move to SA. 

As the year ends, I wish for us all a peaceful transition from this year to the next. May we all be free from sorrow, distress and suffering. 

Much love,

Beth

 

Dear friends-

I finished my 'gloss', a document that reflects my understanding of the precepts. This is one page of the 19 page booklet. I painted a small picture for each page. 

This is my 'matriarch's lineage on mulberry paper. 

and this is the 'blood line' all the way from the Buddha to now, all hand drawn. One mistake and I started over, four times. Eventually I left the mistakes in. 

Rachel and I sent in EVERYTHING we were assigned and then we rested. I don't drink anymore but I had a glass of wine. If, after this, I suggest another rigorous higher education project, you have permission to talk me out of it. 

It might snow tomorrow and I, for one, will love it.