Celebrate Black History Month

 Dear friends-

Well we watched the inauguration crying a little and laughing a little and listening to a 22 yo Black woman OWN the mic and her words for all of us. And we saw Barack and Michelle and the Clintons and even Mike Pence. And at night we watched some pretty splendid fireworks and people with their arms around each other, the people we voted into office in their finery and we didn't even care that they didn't have a big party with swishy dresses and music and champagne. And we heard our new president speak some powerful words with his faith, his heart and as my friend Rachel said, maybe he can be a spiritual leader, this man of sorrows. I hesitate to go there because he is a politician but, damn, he knows loss. And grief. 

Today is the day after and Biden is doing his best to right some wrongs, rejoin the WHO and the Paris Climate Accord and reverse the Muslim ban and reunite children with their parents and streamline citizenship for thousands of undocumented folks who harvest our food and wash the dishes and work in a multitude of ways invisible to many of us. 

He can't hurry up the distribution of the vaccine but he can tell the truth about how many more dead there will be and when, just when we might get to a place where fewer and fewer of us are dying. And maybe then our front line workers can get a good night's sleep and have breakfast with their children. 

We have lost so much. And Biden spoke directly to the loss of life. As horrifying as those numbers are, telling the truth is what brings a kind of respite to our hearts. We know...but being gaslighted for 4 years has hurt us more than we can know. The long nightmare is not over but we can begin to awaken to start tending to our wounds. 

Of course, it ain't over, the damage. We have seen what is before us. Once again, a great racial reckoning, a turning to systemically change systems of oppression. We have seen the ugliness in our fellow citizens. Now is not the time to go back to sleep. The State will continue to kill and imprison Black and Brown folks unless we stand on the front lines to protest and refuse to sanction by our inaction. 

This might be a rant. Or maybe it's all we've been saying for these many years and months. Maybe it is a collective howl. 

Most forcefully yesterday I felt the loss of all those lives, men and women and children of all colors and privilege who died from the virus because of the callousness of one man. The ghosts in all our cities and towns urging us to show up and be active in our lives, for goodness and healing and love. For that is our birthright, the softness and brilliance of our hearts. 

Dear friends-

I've been off on a (virtual) women's retreat with two of my favorite teachers. There were about 40 of us, sitting and walking, chanting and being silent. And no internet or cell phone. I allowed myself a chance to read and so I finished the John Lewis biography. What a splendid and beautiful man he was. The book "Walking with the Wind" is thick. His life was long and eventful. He moved us along. He loved us and this country. And non-violence was his light. 

I've just made a lasagna. Because I live alone, I don't get to cook epic dishes like I used to when I had children at home and there wasn't a pandemic. My friends down the road have agreed to let me cook for them sometimes and I'm delighted. So far we've enjoyed squash soup, miso soup with ginger, flourless peanut butter cookies and a loaf of bread. When this hefty thang comes out of the oven, I will ferry most of it over to them. They're gonna give me some curry although Deanna admits they don't cook much. I am eyeing an olive oil cake recipe that sounds great. 

It's been gray and overcast for days. We've had enormous rainfall too and last week a storm blew through here with 50-60 mile an hour winds. I woke up to a loud bang !, a big flash of light and driving rain pounding on the windows. Many folks lost power and there were lots of downed trees all over the city. And for some inexplicable reason, my mattress warmer turned itself on...maybe it got scared?

These are, unfortunately, only part of my next knitting project. Uh-oh. I should probably stick to hats. 

The 20th is upon us. 

The Loft Presents: Danez Smith "Let America Be America Again"

I know.

Another terrible day.

So many people dying in California.

Berserk white people, mostly men, in DC. 

Loss.

There were three people in the crowd who had 'medical events' and they died. I saw that one of them was receiving chest compressions and I thought 'heart attack'. 

Of course. When our hearts break, from pain or loss or anger, they may stop beating. That fragile fruit, hanging within our ribcage. So easily bruised, frightened, damaged.  

When we rise up against one another, with our righteousness, there is a darkness that overcomes us. Whenever I heard a friend say she hoped Trump would die from the virus, I felt it like a blow. I shrank from the thought. Somewhere he is a trembling human. All those men swarming the capitol building are humans, with the same needs and cares and worries like mine. 

Today I put on my wetsuit and met a bunch of women by Puget Sound. They were in bathing suits and t-shirts and yoga pants. We stood, paddled, floated in the 48 degree water for 20 minutes, enough time for my hands to go completely numb. Makes getting out of a wetsuit rather challenging. Came home and got in the hot tub, drank hot cocoa and got into bed with my electric mattress pad turned up. 

Of course, people who threaten others for their ideological beliefs or misadventure, misunderstanding or confusion...well, there are consequences. Nothing is ever 'lost' forever. Racism was never 'gone', it was just buried. The laws of cause and effect are eternal laws. Karma, if you will. Karma actually means action and it is said that our actions are all that we truly have. 

Going into this new year, we can choose. I think of Mary's chickens and her love for them. Or Elizabeth's writing. Or the beautiful music and quotes that Sabine publishes. All of us here in this little virtual community enrich and care for each other. Yes, there is so much despair. But there is standing in terribly cold water and feeling the body rising to meet the challenge. Our hearts can rise to meet the challenges of our broken and troubled world. 

Sisters, I love all of you.

Beth

 On Eden's last day, we hiked the Mt Washington trail. It SAID it was 8 miles round trip and a hella lot of elevation gain. We groaned and complained on the way up. When we hit snow and ice, we decided to turn around. Without reaching the summit, we still did 9+ miles. Ha! A wee bit sore the next day. 

Then Eden somehow packed everything into her car and left for LA. She's with her sister now in the Bay area. The first morning as I lay in bed I thought I should get up and make her some coffee...but she wasn't here. 

How can we explain the love we feel for our children? There are the usual tropes. We've all heard them and they are true. There is no other relationship like it. A child, born from our bodies, grows up and becomes who they are, distinct from us and yet, we see glimpses of ourselves repeated. I can't decide if it's a peculiar kind of narcissism or concentric circles of our interconnection. Eden and I share a warped sense of humor, the kind where we 'get' each other. What joy that is. A side eye from her conveys a volume of meaning. And yet. And yet she inspires me. Music she has introduced me to. Her activist anti-racism. Her sparkling intelligence. Her love of adventure. Her conversations with my dog. Her sublime silliness. Her last command to me "Momma, don't die before I see you again!"

Dear girl, I'll do my best. 

Three days ago, I got the first Moderna vaccine. I go back for the second in a month. I was instructed to sit in my car afterwards for 15 minutes before I left to see if I would have a reaction. So I sat in my car, sobbing. It was relief and anguish. Relief that maybe I could see clients in person again eventually. Anguish that so many folks will be waiting months to be vaccinated. That a combination of my 'status' as a health care person and the fierceness of my boss and serendipity led me to a pediatric clinic where there was a line of folks waiting to be vaccinated on a pair of folding chairs out in the rain. The 'rollout' is a hot mess. Another legacy of the outgoing chaos. 

But.

Happy New Year to all. 2020 was surely a terrible, bad, not very good year. It will take a long time for us to recalibrate to-we don't know what is ahead. 

In the meantime, I'm gonna suit up and go swimming in Puget Sound tomorrow with the other cold water lunatics. 

Love and kindness all around.

Naomi Shihab Nye reads "Kindness"

 

Aprons are done and we have discovered that all the hems are crooked. We don't care. They are Eden's famous asymmetric aprons and they are beautiful.

Dinner yesterday. Popovers, ****beautiful salad***,  cauliflower pie, stuffed squash. and a French thing with caramelized onions, anchovies and olives. 

I won't be eating again this year. 

She leaves in a few days. We are currently watching Bridgerton, a trashy bodice ripper with some serious eye candy, gorgeous sets and questionable fantastic wigs. And white and Black people all mixed together. for example, the queen is Black and her ladies in waiting are Black and asian. Yeah! Oh and naked sex scenes, lots of them. Apparently we can now watch soft porn whenever. 

 

Two of my favorite beings.

We fast approach the Solstice and an end to this very terrible terrible year. 

“To Know the Dark"

To go in the dark with a light is to know the light.
To know the dark, go dark. Go without sight,
and find that the dark, too, blooms and sings,
and is traveled by dark feet and dark wings.”

                         -Wendell Berry

We are still working away but almost half-way there. Maybe Eden will still be here for Christmas. Last night we had Korean pancakes-fermented rice, beans and kimchee. Sooooo delicious. And cauliflower mushrooms. A friend of hers brought us homemade kim chee. I will go back to my tiny menu of steamed veggies and grains and oatmeal after she leaves. 

It's raining and cold here so=muddy dog. He gets so much attention and kisses from Eden. We hosted a neighbor's puppy yesterday for a few hours. She sat on Eden's lap the whole time. It's so dear to see my child be so tender to animals. 

Sweet girls. 

Dears-

Waiting for Eden to come home from a (distant) visit with a friend. We'll have waffles and pear/blueberry compote for breakfast and then back to the salt mines, er, sewing machines. Selfishly, I don't want us to ever finish because when we're done, she'll leave. :-(. My beautiful children. This visit has been so enjoyable and fun and full of laughing, podcasts, great food and conversations. How did I get so lucky? She has heard me tell my story of her birth many times but while I am working from home, she hears my conversations with clients and I continue to talk about her birth. Crazy parents having their baby in their bedroom, back in 1975. Talked the doc into coming over, his first ever home birth (!). He showed up with his little black bag. I think he put gloves on. She came so fast, he had barely arrived when she was born.  My fast furious girl with the bright mind and nervous energy. Artist, cook, goofy sense of humor, kind, self deprecating. 

I love her always.

 My new beautiful tattoo-two koi and a yin/yang symbol.

My daughter Eden doing what she does so well. Soooooo happy to have her here in my house. We make each other laugh, the kind of laugh when you cry and your nose runs laugh. 

Kenny

 Dear ones,

Kenny lives two doors down and I've mentioned him here before. When I first moved in, he announced that he was gay and was living with AIDS. Since then he's had a heart attack and so he now has a pacemaker. He has two big goofy dogs who are very well behaved. Very. Well. Behaved. Much better than Felix. Since the pandemic began, he's become my gay husband, 

For the last two days, he has decorated my house with Christmas lights. Every year when my kids were small they wanted lights on the house. I was always too tired or busy. Now my house is cheerfully lit up. I'm sitting on my meditation cushion right now looking out the window at them. Seattle gets very dark very early this time of year. Now I can be one of those houses shining in the night. Because of Kenny.

Kindness comes in all forms, doesn't it? 

Darlings-

Eden is here and we are making 200 (?) aprons from giant rolls of fabric which she designed and had printed in advance of her cookbook. There are agents talking to her and all. I don't know anything about this. I just agreed to make aprons and let me tell you, I am exhausted. We have made two patterns, I borrowed a second sewing machine, we quickly figured out we need twill tape instead of rolling hundreds of yards of fabric for ties and we're about to order electric scissors because you can be crippled after cutting and cutting and cutting. Plus our working surface is the floor so there's a lot of stooping and bending and kneeling. Eden made knee pads from ace bandages and socks and blue painter's tape. Plus, as you know, she's a cook so she brought tons of food and took over the fridge and counters and has been making delicious food for us. Any weight loss I may have achieved will be undone. I don't care. It's SOOO nice to have her here. 

We've been masking and keeping out distance. Today she went for a covid test which she'll get in a few days. Then maybe we can be around each other without our faces covered. 

I got up at 4:45 this morning and went swimming IN A POOL. There is one pool a bit south of me that is open. No locker room, only 2 people per lane, masking until we're in the water. The pool was full. At that hour. And you have to register for times. I did get the rest of my wet suit-gloves and booties, so I have no excuse to go to the Sound again. It's a whole thing, apparently, cold water swimming. Precautions-don't swim by yourself and sometimes people have heart attacks and strokes from the shock. 

Eden, my gleaner, saw an apple tree in the green belt where we walk loaded with apples. We went and picked way too many apples and so they are sitting on the counter waiting for, um.....with our spare time we'll be dehydrating apples, I guess. 

In other news, John Oliver blowing up 2020 is perfect, just perfect.  

Please watch immediately

For now we can breathe a bit

 Here today I'm gonna swear off stress reading CNN/NYT for further damage, destruction etc. I will write to Georgian voters to show up for the runoff. I will go back to the massage therapist (Dan) who I found on Google in my neighborhood. He untangled my messed up shoulder by leaning heavily into my spasming trapezius and upper arm with his very large biceps. I whimpered a bit but didn't stop him. I could barely move my arm when I went into his studio. He was very knowledgeable about US politics and racism and all so he regaled me with stories, which I found strangely soothing. 

The body doesn't lie. 

Meditation is not always the answer. We also have to get off our butts and work for change, in our neighborhoods, with our fellow humans. The United Way is back to offer more food related volunteer opportunities. I'm going to the 'food forest' to dig and plant and prep for next year. The food forest is a public garden in a 'food desert' in my neighborhood where anyone can come and take food, for free. I have plenty of food. I have plenty. 

I will continue to do what I can. After four ruinous years, there's so much we can attend to. No such thing as retirement. Nope. 

She has come to live in my living room next to my altar. She Who Hears the Cries of the World. 

Peace and love always. 

 We drank a whole bottle of  Dom Perignon. It was delicious. We started to breathe after holding our breath for 4 days. Seattle is very quiet. I cried through Kamala's speech. 

This is real. It really happened. There's a lot to do but tonight we can relax just a bit. 

 I learned that more white women voted for Trump this time around, more than last election. WTF. How does fascism rise? This is how.  

And I fear my fellow citizens, the ones who support authoritarianism. Bigotry. Intolerance. It was always thus. This administration just threw open Pandora's box.

I can't watch. Kenny sends me updates.

This morning I drove up north to the Korean spa for ladies. I was the only person there for the first 30 minutes. I got a scrub as my skin has been feeling like scales. I sat in the steam and the hot tub. I had lunch in the little cafe. It was worth every penny.

Now I'm lying on the  couch eating fancy chocolate under a down comforter. Today the lady who scrubbed me with her scratchy mittens touched me ALL OVER. I'm gonna sleep well tonight, guaranteed. Joe just might get to be the next prez. 

Keep the faith, dear friends. 

 Just had a good long cry after reading Mary's blog here. Holding her hand through this shite. What I have is a cat who had taken to peeing large puddles in front of the front door so when I step into the house, I step into a pee puddle. Being gone for two weeks has sent her right round the bend. Don't tell me animals don't feel our anxiety and stress. 

Nancy is talking about going to Germany and living in her brother's house until they kick her out. She doesn't feel safe here. Casey is looking into a visa for Portugal, in prep for emigrating. Tracy and her fam are planning a trip to Mexico but she said to me today that either candidate is still part of a system that doesn't give a fuck about her brown self and her brown children. 

Still. 

Four more years of woman hating, queer baiting, BIPOC hating, LIFE DESTROYING for personal gain policies and speeches and agendas is too much to bear. So I just cried and cried til the snot was running down my face. The cat is perched beside my computer purring away. I think she's trying to soothe me or maybe herself. 

At least with Biden we could have some sanity around the pandemic, some coordination, SOMETHING. Repairing our relations with global leaders.....jeezus. 

Felix and I went to Cougar Mountain for a good long hike in the rain. 

My younger daughter is driving up here from LA some time this month. We're going to be the workers in a small sweat shop in my house making aprons as promo for her book. 

Felix likes to go to sleep and then wake up at 2 or 3AM and start woofing, softly, over and over. Why does he do this? Other than making me want to kill him. You try sleeping through a 'woof' every 3 minutes. 

Thanks

BY W. S. MERWIN

Listen

with the night falling we are saying thank you

we are stopping on the bridges to bow from the railings

we are running out of the glass rooms

with our mouths full of food to look at the sky

and say thank you

we are standing by the water thanking it

standing by the windows looking out

in our directions

back from a series of hospitals back from a mugging

after funerals we are saying thank you

after the news of the dead

whether or not we knew them we are saying thank you

over telephones we are saying thank you

in doorways and in the backs of cars and in elevators

remembering wars and the police at the door

and the beatings on stairs we are saying thank you

in the banks we are saying thank you

in the faces of the officials and the rich

and of all who will never change

we go on saying thank you thank you

with the animals dying around us

taking our feelings we are saying thank you

with the forests falling faster than the minutes

of our lives we are saying thank you

with the words going out like cells of a brain

with the cities growing over us

we are saying thank you faster and faster

with nobody listening we are saying thank you

thank you we are saying and waving

dark though it is

I watched Good Will Hunting again the other night. Robin Williams acts the hell out of his part. His gestures, asides, the way he uses his body to convey deep compassion . Sometimes we are witness to greatness. Bless him for giving us that light. 

The rain is raining all around. Going to bed and if Felix won't stop woofing, he goes into the guest room.

 Dear Friends-

As I said, I was not going to be one of those people who swim in 50 degree water. Those fools in wet suits dragging yellow or orange balloons behind them so boats or jet skis don't clobber them. Those idiots who swim from buoy to buoy. Not me. Nope. Although I have endless fascination for all outdoor activities. Rock climbing, never want to. Mountain climbing, ditto. Biking is great. Running, can't do anymore. Hiking perfection. Downhill skiing, never ever, would kill myself. Cross-country, now we're talking. And my favorite, swimming. Not scuba diving, scares me. But swimming is closest to heaven, body-wise. 

With the pools closed, what to do? Wait for the lake to get warm enough. Then----- autumn. Nooooooo. So a wet suit it is. And let me tell you. Those fuckers are tight, really tight. Like the Black Panther movie tight. And who thought a zipper in the back was a good idea? Doesn't matter that there is a long shoelace thing tied to the zipper so you can try hauling it up your back. Right.

However.

I went swimming yesterday. And I decided to zip it up by myself. So I part way zipped it, contorted myself into the suit and zipped it ALL THE WAY UP. Yeah!!! As I said, it's like trying to pull on a stretchy thick inner tube up your legs, over your torso and over your arms. Right. But I did it. I drove to the water (beautiful brisk fall day) and swam. Well, the shock of the water was, shall we say, alarming. My body was warm, my hands and feet had no feeling and my face was frozen. Like when you eat too much ice  cream too fast frozen. 

I made it out to the buoy, paddled around a bit and then went in because even I realized the insanity of it. 

I might go tomorrow but that is absolutely the last time. I'm not completed crazy. 

I might post again after, you know, Tuesday. Probably not before. 

Stay safe out there, everyone. As Seth Myers says at the end of his shows-We love you.